1 hr run

It's Tuesday, and I am on my 1 hr run routine. I talked to Gail last night and we kind of thought it would be better to do this on a treadmill as it's a controlled enviroment and I can stop anytime, as well as there is no wet shoes/clothes issues for my weak body. But after taking my hubby to work, I figured I'd stop at the local Tryon park and run there. I had a minor concirn of some "fullness" in my left shin, what brought back vivid memories of my compartment syndrom I had to battle with. So off I went to the trail, after changing in a car and plugging an I-Pod. It started quite uneventful, but by about 10 min I felt - indeed, I had had a flu, not a cold. I could run with a cold, even a 50k race, even win it (actually happened), but the flu completely drained my body and robbed me off of any energy. My legs are still weak and the chest is tight, even though I only had 2 bouts of cough during a run (and 1 very long after), I kept thinking: this is NOT a "good pace" run, it may be considered a "good effort", but pace sucks!". Nevertheless, I loved been out there, beat plogging in a gym for certain. I made sure to run all ups however difficult it was, and made a resolve to change my race goals. I can't make it the way I planned, and it's better to accept it now and not hit my head on the wall after. So there I was, splashing dirt, enjoying steady rain - yep, it was rainy, and I was prepared with my hat. I think baseball hat is THE thing in a rain. I hate it when the cold water streams on my face and I can't see a thing (I actually don't like direct sun rays either), and since I am yet to see a jacket that protect from rain and at the same time is breathable, I only care hat for the runs. Oh, and gloves, but today was too warm for those. I didn't feel any pain in my leg, the one that had weird feeling, but that fulness came back right after I finished. I also noticed how much easier I breathe after at least 40 min of running - another indication I am a long distance runner. It's like my lungs require a certain amount of endorphinA to open up. My stride gets smoother at that time as well. I ususally say I need 1 hr 45 min of warm up to really fall into a zone and start running. That's why I prefer runs of 3 hrs. After that it's a cycle of feeling high-feeling low, but always perfectly loved no matter what. I finished up with a shower at the gym (I need to use my membership for something, if only to save water in my house), got a haircut, and changed oil in a car. All this as I was thinking along about some insecurities that visited me yesterday. The thing is I found out last night there will be a girl coming to Avalon who I raced against after. I don't like predictions and hate expectations. But, as Gail pointed out, it was nice to ride a wave of "underdog" the whole last year. Nobody knows me, so no pressure. I don't know anybody, so I just run my own race, without stacking myself up to anybody. Life is great. Things are changing, and I am not dealing very well with that. It's like I need to please, need to fill in the shoes, or I won't be loved anymore...I felt that so brightly after Leadville...I am on a learning curve here, so no judging. I can do a talk about blocking outside world all by myself, but it doesn't quite work for me yet...but I am trying. So here I go, exposing it to the computer (luckily I don't have many visitors): I am scared of the upcoming Saturday, so help me remain calm and focus on all the fun and why I really do it. I really do do it for fun! I met today with my chiropractor, and he tried to put things in perspective for me. How it's all personal challenge and how much I enjoy been out there, on trails, to simply see more of wonders of the nature and wonderful people and what I am made of. So this is what I am going to do. And help me God.