Lethargy and slow recovery.

Whether it's a 50k through the muck, a loss of overall endurance in the long 9 months of short bursts of running and long staying indoors, the time change past weekend, a sudden (as it always seem to be) coming of our humid summer, my thyroid acting out again, or who knows what, but I had been lethargic for the most of the week. Probably the combination of all of the above. Bear in mind, I, surprisingly, wasn't sore at all the following hours and days, I was just feeling lethargic. I can't believe I used to pop a 50k, a 50M on consecutive weekends, then a long Gorge run, and in-between never stop putting quality workouts. Now, the marathon took a full week to feel normal, and so does this past race. I ran, or rather shuffled, this week a few times, and it was an effort every time. With the time shift, we are able to get on trails now during a week from time to time, and Larry and I took an opportunity on both Monday (when I manage to lock us out and we had to break a door) and Thursday to go to our old apartment complex and run Ken's loop variations (and Stephen hung out at the pool and a hot tub with his old friends). The temperatures are up in the air, and it moist and sticky already, a reminder why I actually don't plan to live here for the rest of my life. Something we long to forget when a season "something else" stays here during winter months...

I shuffled through one road run too, and went to the gym and Bikram, but in general, I was just drained and tired and crashing hard at noon, practically driving around with my eyes shut closed. Didn't help that I am still off coffee and that Stephen had a spring break, what meant I dragged him to various appointments (doctor for the camp form, dentist for cleaning, oral surgeon for consult twice and to schedule a thing to do, skate park, friend's house,  whatever thing so he feels entertained...) and still put in a full work week. By Friday I was toast and begging for the soul search, so I slept in (6 am, baby!) and instead of heading to work, waited till the sunrise and ran the River Place trail (The Staircase). Ran would be an overshot, as I mostly hiked every up-stairs and painfully struggled to maintain something running-related the rest of the way, but it was wonderful for the heart and the mind. The live felt much better, and I squeezed my work into a few hours to leave early and get a haircut! I was getting tired to have my hair all frizzy and messed-up and practically dead, and needed a change. Humidity didn't help either, so I was with a hair-do on Friday night...the night before the long run, sure:)

Doing 15 miles this morning in my condition wasn't the smartest idea, but I am full of stupid decisions, and Larry was out for the 27M trek around Georgetown lake, so I went to Barton creek. Thank God I didn't press that silly "start" button! I ran pathetically slow, but I ran, looking around, talking to bikers, meeting a guy from Oregon (he wore "Hood to Coast" shirt, and I stopped him and we chatted, and he lives in Tigard where I used to be, and he ran my PCT50!!!), talking to HCTR grizzly Jim Baltazar, having some chatting with Meghan Hailey...and eating pumpkin pie for calories that I made the night before and sucking on a soy sauce packet I picked up for salt! Yes, I am like that, when it comes to training runs that are not important, I just get out and hope for the best. Unlike Larry, who prepares for his long runs (and medium runs) like he is leaving the house for good on a cross-Arctic expedition. My clothes were soaked wet and disgusting, and I was in great need of food and salt, but I had enough water - and plenty of time to shuffle back to the car.

On the medical front, I think my foot will never be the same. It hasn't gotten worse, although there are days (or times) when it feels pretty bad, but overall I am able to work through things. At the same time it's not getting any better and feels structurally misaligned completely. My right quad got something pulled in there (lateral head) and it hurts and also doesn't hold me knee well anymore, so the knee hurts, and today the shin began to pain too. I am an old and horrible mess. I bet it's time to crosstrain for a couple of days and visit my stationary bike - and a book that I didn't finish reading while riding it ever since I jumped back into running.

That's all not to say that I am complaining by any means. I am simply sharing thoughts in my mind. I am adjusting my own life and running to the new ways of how it behaves. As we all get a little older, we need to treat our bodies a little different. May be while I kept doing those training/racing combo non-stop, I was tricking my body into thinking it still can, but once a long break came in (even if not planned and even if I did plenty of other things), it remembered that it is, indeed, not 30's anymore. And I need to take it into the account to make sure I keep doing what I love for a very long time.

Today Stephen has a skating event, and we are going to check out plants for the yard (I am used there only for purpose of beauty opinion as I have no green thumb and will kill anything, but Larry, on another hand, is crazy good with this stuff). Tomorrow is my CE class for LMT, and this should give me a much needed rest (otherwise I'd jump back on trails, I missed them so much).

And last, but not least, I can't not to show off my latest product - my newly knitted top made of organic cotton, soft and breezy.

The hair, though, is the "before" the one above. See the difference?

p.s. the cake story has been completely resolved, as the "cake guy" had emailed me with a story repeating one of my friend and we kissed and made up. In the future, though, if you'd like me to treat you better at Cactus Rose or any other races I own an aid station at, please bring a Shepard pie instead!

We are in Oregon again, Toto!

And it sucks ass! I mean, when on Thursday evening the thunderstorms rolled in to Central Texas, and weather predicted non-stop rain for the next 4 days, it didn't deter me to go and run, it just made me adjust my plans. Instead of shooting for sub-5, I promised myself to push it as close as I could, and run every step. Since I am a known self-proclaimed "I am not a runner, I am a power-hiker and a downhill coaster", until this day I was yet to run every step in an ultra. Really. Swear to God. So, as we rolled into the start at McAllister Park in San Antonio, I told Larry (who were to run a 10 mile tempo sometime after we left off) that I am going to try for 1:40 a loop and see what happens. I saw John Sharp, Joe Prusaitis, a handful of other regulars at races I attend, and a bunch of either local trail runners or road runners trying to convert. Yeah, that was the day for christening, indeed...

Joe and I at the start, where the mood is high and hopes are too.

I knew that we file into single track pretty quickly, and went out very close to the front, as I didn't want to deal with passing. the rain wasn't bad, and in 15 minutes I took my wind jacket off. I seemed to have been going some too fast for me and didn't feel comfortable from the get go, but kept not being able to pull back. So there I was, having a handful of people passing by, but in general, wallowing in self-pity questioning why am I here. Nothing was clicking today. Just nothing. Yes, it was wet, muddy and watery, but I am from Oregon, and while I am out of practice, I wasn't complaining. It just felt off, my whole body did. And then at mile 5 or so the real bad section began. About half of the trail was either in standing water, trenches or simply slippery wet, but the section between about 5 and 7.5 is one covered in a special kind of clay type of stuff, and was not only sliding (and it was that stupid 3% incline), but it would cake up on your shoes and would make you carry about an extra 5 lbs easily with every foot, so the hip flexors really screamed for mercy. I was bored and hurting about everywhere, and I, as Larry pointed out later, often have no plan for contingency, so my gels and salt were numbered. I was not having a good time. On top of it, at around mile 5 Brian Rickets was passing me with some guy and said hello, and the guy turned head and exclaimed "So you are Olga who ate my cake from my tent at Cactus Rose 2 years ago!". I was kind of out of it, and truly thought it was his way to be funny (I have my own questionable ways of sarcasm), and responded with "Yeah, now I am suffering" (not very witty, but trust me, I was surprised to not bite his head off, and it wasn't because of him). To my total awe, he said something like "it's ok", implying it actually happened! In his mind anyway. The rest of the way that phrase bothered me a lot...

But back to the race. Having gone about 8 miles (and having been passed at mile 7 by a woman who looked like she knew exactly what she was doing, and the only way I stood a chance would be a miracle on my side and a serious disaster on hers), I finally stopped that pity party and waffling on the decision whether or not to drop. I told myself to not be a complete pussy and not whine, and that I had to finish that damn thing, time goals be gone, and stick with running every step no matter what! Yes, mud and all, I WAS running. I knew all I had to do is to enter loop 2 (race is 3x10.33M loops) and I am golden, because once I am done with 20, I am crawling my way to the finish.

Loop 1 was completed in 1:43, and I took a minute to re-supply...confirming that I am extremely low on gels and salt. Oh, well. Having used to be self-relied, the thought of going to an AS and taking a gel hasn't even crossed my mind. yeah, I am that smart when I race in a bad mood.

The second loop actually went ok. I finally backed off that pace (or effort, because it is hard to call "pace" something in tune of 12 min/mile sliding and gliding) and became feeling more comfortable, more at peace. I know, races are not supposed to be comfy, but I decided I rather make something out of my miserable day instead of killing myself and doing stupid things. I was very upright and while sliding was a given, I never came too close to falling or even catching myself. Believe me, I bet 80% of today's field ended up on their rear numerous times. By mid-loop my gels were over, so was my last salt tablet, and I was doomed, with gloom on a horizon. I did what I could, and caught up with that Brian finishing 2nd loop.

Finishing 2nd loop.

Larry was waiting for me there this time (3:38? for 2 loops), fresh off his run and all changed up, gave me my bottles and the 3 measly gels I had left. I downed the V8 juice (at least some salt!) and barked that I am running on empty (especially because he decided to tell me the front woman is about 3 minutes ahead). Who cares? I pray to survive! Here Larry exercised his brain capacity, ran to an AS, made me eat a gel right there and shoved another one in my hands. Things were looking up.

I swallowed a second gel to try and make up on that calorie loss about 10 minutes later, and another mile after that my foggy brain cleared up, and I had enjoyed a good few miles stretch at least mentally. My body was screaming, everything below my waist was in twinges, my left foot was on fire, my right quad and knee (something knew from old days I picked up at the marathon, probably, again, from overcompensating for the left foot pain) were in stinking weak state and stingy pain, I was sliding like hell (by the way, as weird as it sounds, by 2nd and 3rd loop the cake-mud wasn't sticking AS bad, and I figured why I didn't remember it that bad from my PNW days: when it's REALLY wet, the mud gets diluted enough to be slushy and not so sticky, if you know what I mean, it's just too watery to stick), but I was RUNNING EVERY STEP STILL! Damn it! So, around mile 7, in a midst of the miserable section, I smiled to myself widely and said "F&*& it, girl, you are really going to do this shit!" Made me all cozy inside. It was great to realize I am still that tough gal I know myself to be, and I can pull a race out of my ass no matter what life hands me, and I am sticking to it, boring, flat, wet, muddy crap, and to my goals!

Considering I was out of any kind of fuel and salt intake and so low on water I had to rationale every sip, last 2 miles were a pure survival to keep moving in something resembling running, and was petrified to stop and walk for the reason of a big wave of cramping just waiting to seize me up. I sensed it as never before, and on a few slower steps rounding especially sharp 300 degree turns I felt them, like a huge bear, about to jump and hover over me. When I saw a landmark telling me I am rounding last corner, I looked at the watch, contemplated if I wanted to push for sub-5:40, but said "Nah, I might do more damage" and crossed the finish line in 5:40:17, second female (Rachel Ballard, that gal I knew looked tough and fast, and who I recognized at the finish as one who broke my female Tejas-300 time, finished about 3 minutes ahead) and somewhere in top 20 or so. All times were skewed by a good hour and merely a handful broke 5 on a course that sees lots of PR's even in a scorching heat with winning times of 3:20's for guys and lower 4's for gals. Chris Russel, who volunteered at the finish line, said I surprised him with my finish and time because Rachel is considered fast and tough and I am, well, I am not sure, but not a 50 k'er, and surely not after 9 months off running. Made me smile:)

I haven't run a 50k in exactly 3 years. That is one mo-fo distance. I'd like to say I ran out of real estate on Rachel, but the truth is, I don't think in my state on that day I could go even an extra mile. So, all legit, and I am thrilled where I am. The course was marked extremely well, I never had to raise my head up (you know, "obnoxiously bored with no big views Olga").

To add to that odd cake story, Larry shared that he heard same story from some gal when she heard my name mentioned in his conversation with Sharpie. I am pretty pissed by now, and not simply bewildered, and had sent out an email to HCTR and San Antonio group to find the source. I would love to clear my name and have whomever started that to explain how it started and why am I blamed for something I didn't do.

First of, I never take someone's stuff, yet alone go into somebody's tent. Secondly, a whole cake, really? Especially considering I don't even like cakes (I am a meat over anything sweet person)? And lastly, if you ever watched me single-handily manning double-AS at Equestrian, I don't have time to piss, yet alone wonder into people's tents and eat their cakes! Really? Not only the rumor started, seems that it was believed? Is that how I am viewed, that I'd go on and take someone's stuff, whatever it is?

Rounding final turn to the finish, still running upright more or less!

God, is it a smile, or a grimace of pain?

My $14 yoga Capri from target did the job not any worse that an expensive wear. 

Done!

Chris Russel is trying to get a chip off my shoe.

My best and favorite combination of Drymax socks and LaSportiva Fireblades  performed awesome as usual, no blisters, great grip.

These are the legs!

Sharpie and I at the finish, all cleaned up.

RD Bill Gardner to give me a huge beer mug and  talking about adding King to my name.

Anyhow, it's done and over, I am babying my foot, but mostly awaiting the soreness of all those intrinsic muscles that didn't know what the heck is happening today to kill me tomorrow and Monday. Life is good, I am hungry, and I need some cake (or at least a big pot of meat stew) to get my hands and mouth on right now!


Breaking news on the cake front from a friend:


A lady baked a guy name XX a birthday cake and somehow it got left at Equestrian (I don't know if XX accidentally left it there or if the lady left it there) and then it somehow was put in the public consumption area. So the other runners started eating his birthday cake as they went through (and I was one of them!). XX found the whole incident hilarious (he knows you didn't steal it out of someone's tent and eat it all...only that people were eating the cake at your aid station). As I said XX found the whole thing hilarious and I'm 200% sure he was joking (he has a big sense of humor) and was simply trying to be funny when you ran past him. Not sure who the girl was who made the comment about it and or why she would phrase it that way (steal it out of someone's tent). Not many people even knew about the cake.

These photos are by race officials downloaded from HERE as courtesy to runners.

FULL RESULTS

It's not all about running.

While I am running again, it doesn't mean nothing else exists in my life, or that those hobbies I had reminded myself I used to have got dropped. Not at all! I still cook, knit, go to Bikram, and dream up all those updates on the house that need to be done. On a Sunday before Russian orthodox lent began we had traditional Crepe's Day. You know, before you start cutting excess foods out of your daily intake, you're supposed to indulge? And Russians do it in their old-fashioned way, by making thing-laced crepes with lots of butter, which you're supposed to eat with sour cream and preserves (or fresh berries and sugar), as well as ground meat, farm cheese or caviar. You will not believe how many various styles of crepe's ingredients there are, and also how simple it can be when a family is poor. I can make them from flour and water only, if needed! In Russia, it's all about few ingredients and variety of cooking. We have a story about a soup from an ax...you boil an ax, then an "innocent" visitor keeps asking the hostess if she's got a few bones...a piece of meat, a potato, a carrot, some butter, some onion...you got the idea:) My boys devoured those crepes until they were gone (the crepes) and their (boys') bellies were full.

I also kept my knitting up, and projects rolling. After the baby blanket and a dress, I made a sweater (there is a pattern in it too with braids, you just can't see it), a scarf for my girlfriend, a bunch of hats for the family (just because), and now I am doing something cute for the summer from organic cotton yarn, which is exciting.

My head is full of ideas, and I keep browsing internet for more. Larry claims I need to start a shop with branding my stuff. Actually, I used to knit for people per order - they buy yarn the want and briefly describe the style, and I knit - back in Russia, on my night shifts at the hospital, and on the bus/metro rides. That's how I am now, riding a bus (or watching TV) - and my needles are flying...

I am also figuring out my new professional webiste, which I keep postponing, but I am learning, and it's not urgent anyway. This whole thing is a path to my semi-retirement in few years, once Stephen is done with college kind of thing, but I want to continue dreaming and working towards my goals, all the while keeping up with my credentials (a new weekend for Continuing Ed class on March 18th, massage for athletes!) and my wonderful clients. Come check me out!

On the running front life's been good, even if some pain persists. My gym visits went back down to twice a week - to the point that regular goers ask me if I am still alive (after spending there an hour and half every day for the last number of months). When I have a hard workout, I nail it and keep besting my times, and when I have a recovery day, my body really sags and longs for that very recovery. I think as I am getting older, it is imperative to figure out a golden middle of my training. I am thrilled of the season to come, and have some really tough stars to reach for. In a meantime, this weekend is supposed to rain hard, but I am optimistic that it won't dampen my 50k effort, which scares the crap out of me - it's flat and boring! However, it makes me come out of my comfort zone, and I am looking forward just that!

p.s. OMG, how could I forget the main reason for the post! Today is International Women's Day! And while somehow here nobody knows of it (even though it originated in US, ha!), why not celebrate wonderful women in your life, beautiful, tough, caring, charming, those without whom your life would not be the same. My sweet honey showered me with flowers and dark chocolate, and I am swept off my feet by surprise of it! Now that I am OD-ed on 85% chocolate for breakfast, I tell you, even dentist (the visit that caused me to stop my post in the middle) couldn't shake my good mood. Not to mention Dr. Meek loves me to death (after initial turmoil first year of visits) and apparently I make him laugh with my sarcastic Russian non-nonsense down to Earth approach on life (shave this tooth off so it doesn't keep chipping kind of thing).

p.p.s. On the lent front, I am doing great, and it is unbelievable how easy it is to give up things once you make a commitment. There is a reason I never understood people having problem putting away that cake, candy, burger, coke, any other crap...it is so easy to manage! All you need to do is to actually think for a second, and in a week everything becomes normal, second nature. The only serious addiction I had was smoking, and once I won that battle - nothing comes even close. I vaguely remember how coffee and cheese taste by now!

Stories of the week.

It had been beautiful here. As we say in Austin, we have 2 seasons: summer, and something else. Well, the "something else" seem to end, as usual, rather unexpectedly. From 30F at night and totally random and unpredictable 45F or 75F during a day (and quite some rain this past winter), we shot into a nice upper-60's with sunshine and still somewhat low humidity. This is my favorite time of the year in Central Texas, and thankfully, I seem to be recovering from my foot ordeal and am able to run! After my last Sunday's trail run of 10  miles on a Greenbelt (pretty flat and simple single-track), I took Monday off, to recover from traveling and catch up on sleep. Tuesday saw me back at the gym after 2 weeks of "taper/recovery" combo hitting weights hard, and then in the evening a very hard run on a "hilly lollypop loop", where I match my previous best time. I was pleased with my effort beyond belief.

However, Wednesday proved it is not wise to jump into training hard after a long absence of specific workouts and a marathon being pulled out of my sleeve. I felt extremely sore and tired as I slogged my morning flat recovery route, and then took an evening Bikram class to make sure I stretch those parts well. I went back to the gym on Thursday, and lifted heavy, but was pretty doomed after that, walking "funny" at work. Hmm..

Luckily, I snatched a massage appointment for the evening. As a Massage Therapist, it is always difficult for me to fund a specialist who does a really good job (by my own standards) and yet doesn't charge a fortune (per my beliefs, and for the sake of my family's finances). Therefore, I hardly get massages, may be try every other month just to get disappointed, again. However, this time I might have found a combination of both of those things I am looking for, and plan to go visit in April, to make sure it is for real!

Friday was fun. While I started out still sore and feeling run-down, the stride opened up as I ventured into new territories without an exact plan, roughly figuring that if I keep taking right turns on the roads with names that ring a bell, I will eventually come back home. At about 50 minutes into it, I underestimated the potential distance to the next familiar road and run to a man walking a dog near-by (still dark o'early) to ask directions. He thought for a few moments and sent me back to where I came from. I was bewildered, but listened, worried about being pressed on time for getting back and ready for work. A mile later a car stops across me as I run, a window rolls down, and that very man apologizes, saying his wife sent him to catch me as I was right (thank God I still have a sense of direction) and he feels bad sending me the wrong way. He offered me a ride home, I looked at the watch and accepted it, but only to the point where I saw him the first time. He dropped me off, and surely enough, in half a mile the road leading eventually to my neighborhood came to a view. I was telling this story to my son, laughing, till I realized it is probably not a good idea delivering to your teen child that it's ok to jump into a stranger's car. So, I back-pedaled some and explained how I am an adult and can assess the situation and a person better, and prepared to extreme situations better. Yowser, but in general, I do believe in goodness of the people.

Friday evening, after a dinner with a family, Stephen and I quickly packed our sleeping bags, and we were off for a 3 hrs drive to Camp Eagle, where Tejas Trails were putting on Nueces races, the one I won on inaugural year and volunteered the second one. Larry and Harrison had to stay back, as Harrison was being nominated (or whatever it called) from cub-scouts into boy-scouts. Which is unfortunate, because this camp is a fantastic venue for a family weekend! This year, again, the 50M served as a USATF championship. I worked a main aid station (start/finish/loop-end), where I bossed Sarah (who had already helped me at Bandera), as well as a famous Liza Howard, who officially was doing medical help for the race, but in-between tending to a few dozen of gashed knees and other body parts, was employed by yours truly to prepare PBJ quarters, the job I pay big money for to delegate:)). We had a blast, talking, watching a race develop, laughing, gossiping, and having a grand time participating in something Joe and Joyce Prusaitis deliver with such a knowledge and grace!

Here is the recap I sent out to my running club:

Dave James, photo by Liza's i-phone

In 50M Jordan Mcdougal (late entrant from NY and a NorthFace runner) hung behind Dave James (who comes here often) from AZ, put a minute on him by the end of the 2nd loop, and won a race in 6:30, which was a couple of minutes short of the CR. Dave fought hard and still fell back by about 7-8 minutes, finishing in 2nd place (seems to be his favorite place out here). Jason Bryant from NC (LaSportiva runner) was 3rd, also his spot to shake off eventually from the resume.

Female race had Melanie Fryer and Michele Suszek running almost holding hands for over 2.5 loops. Both from CO (Mel is local before moving away), they took it easy. Melanie was still fresh off her minor surgery and having some stomach issues, what put her a few minutes back at the finish line.

Joyce P., photo by Liza's i-phone

Everybody had an awesome time out there, the weather cooperated, and the fast times in all 4 distances had been run. Both Liza's and my coaching clients did an awesome job, as well as a number of my massage clients. It was fun and fulfilling to see folks achieve their desires! My son Stephen skated every rail and step, took a swim in the river, and in general had a pretty good time, despite not feeling optimistic about a day without friends.

Today the week was capped by a fantastic run! I couldn't wish for a better one. With next week's Prickly Pear 50k, I wanted to "feel" where I am and if I should set out for a run without a goal, or for a race. I really miss racing, and I was eager to see where I stand, with all that time off running and training specifically for it.

I went on our best-in-town (where it comes to technicality, hills and variety) trail loop (or rather a combination of lolly-pop loops strung together into one), which starts at our previous apartment complex. Having 3 bottles and 3 gels, I pressed the "start" button. I haven't looked at it until I crested the last hill, the one that gains over 600 feet in a quarter of a mile. I ran every step of the way, scattered rocks, sharp hills, ledges, flat connecting parts, and everything else. I haven't run this loop in full since before OD100 last year, and I don't think I ever ran it "every step", but all the road training really pays off. While I never felt particularly tasked, I ran with a good honest effort, enjoying every moment of every step, and when I finally pressed the "stop", I had bested my previous fastest time by a full 6 minutes. Wow, that felt awesome! 

I've got lots of things to still do, like training schedules for my running folks, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, taking Stephen to a hair-cut and to a skate park, stopping at work for an hour to spin some bacteria cells for next week, going out with Larry on a weekly mini-date...but I want to add one more thing that has been going on lately.

I am running for a VP position of our local running club HCTR, with Joe Prusaitis going for a Prez. The club, which was a center of Central Austin trail running knowledge and fun, had gotten shaken by various reasons, and Joe (who was the one at the beginning of forming the club before starting his business of TejasTrails.com) and I really think we could be beneficial to its full come-back for all involved, and we'd love to see it strive. I have at least a dozen of ideas (most of which I had shared with our club's email list before even considering running for the board), some my own, and many from my previous running clubs (thank you, VCTR of the Bronx, Red Lizards of Portland, and VHTRC of Virginia). I had put out a little paragraph (we were required to), and am sharing it here.

About myself:

Born and raised Russian, ran in high school for fitness, got into real running and racing over a dozen years ago, 2 kids and a lifetime later. Prefer mountains and trails (as an avid backpacker prior to trail ultrarunning), but run about anything that allows the freedom of movement, meditation of thoughts and means to push thyself. To date had ran 100 marathons and ultras (much heavier on ultra part of it, over 4/5th, including 18 100M finishes) and about 150 shorter events. Had been high, had been low. RRCA certified running coach, NCSF certified personal trainer, Yoga-alliance certified instructor, Licensed Massage Therapist, an MD by education, and a Research Scientist by a present life arrangement.

About running for the board:

Having been an active member of a number of running clubs due to living East-West-Central US and an RD of a number of races (back in OR), I believe I can give a shot to bring more variety to HCTR club. I'd like to see the club fun and social, yet offer support in training and racing (and traveling) to all, novice or veterans alike. I possess passion for running and trails, love for people, tough attitude, a wealth of knowledge in the area, and a tenacity to complete the task. Having volunteered in practically every event in TX (besides previous places I called home), I have exposure to learn what the members want and a capacity to bring ideas to them.

p.s I have no idea how to fix my font!!!

State of mind.

In the last couple of months I had experienced a trend of changes that quietly lead me to some peacefulness. it's like somewhere deep inside I am certain what I do is right for me. I don't question much, I am more calm and aware, much less fidgety, almost like I see a path real and clear, and I don't need any extras to make it complicated. Kind of growing. It feels good.

In general I operate much better on feelings than on facts. With that I won't be sharing how my son is doing, not to forget it is not my life to share with audience without consent, but I had great feelings all Friday. The visit was good. We talked non-stop for 9 hrs straight as we ran around doing chores and fulfilling what needed to be done, or what we wanted to have done. We laughed, we shared, and we cried at goodbye. He made my heart skip a few beats when said that he doesn't get to talk that openly to anyone anywhere, including friends and all. It is an interesting stage in life when your adult children stop being your babies and separate in their physical and emotional worlds from you, yet the circles cross-over and there is a new level of a relationship. It is a wonderful feeling. I never had it with my parents - not when I was a child, and surely not now. I am beyond pleased that I have it with my older son.

Is his life difficult? Without a doubt. Has it changed drastically to where I can sigh a relief? Not quite. But he has his own path, at his own speed, with his own bumps, mountains and valleys. It is his road to walk. And if he needs 30 hrs to finish his 100 while you know he has ability to make it in 18 - be it. I'll be his aid station if he needs it, his cheer squad when he passes by, and a quiet support when he is alone in the deep dark wandering.

The day was filled up, from crashing at Anna's place on Thursday evening at 2am after hours of talking, waking up at 5 am to run with my ever-best running partner Bushwhacker Mike on trails next to my previous job at OHSU, up, up to Counsel Crest and talking (looks like I recovered just in time for that), and then back down, and not tripping in the dark, perfect weather, perfect conversation, just like good ol' times. Quick shower, trip to a Perl Bakery to meet with Monika, my family, part of my life I never forget for their generosity and love, a girl who's son is the best friend (a "brother") to my younger son, and who (Stephen) considers their family ours without reservation, who saved me when I was going through divorce, and who may not be in contact, but one of those you always know she is there for you. A car picked up at the airport - and out to get Alex at PCC, and the day in a crazy happiness and a whirl of things to do, and talking, talking. Sometimes too much information, but not stopping, because it's important he feels safe with me, trusting, not scared, so I am not scared. Plans for life, near and future. Holding his image close in my heart. Holding his hand. Don't want to let him go. Because at the end of the day, he might be extremely philosophical, smart, independent, and surely gone through some serious life most of us never have, he is still a baby, my child, who needs a mama's hug and assurance.

Anna made perfect dinner and Olga came to see me too, and we talked again, and it was wonderful, and I was almost watching myself from aside, because I seemed to be too mature for myself, not usual, I don't know how to explain it. Grown, wiser, older, calmer. I stopped by old houses I lived in, and nothing clicked in me. They were good places, but I didn't make them home. I don't miss them, it is more of a curiosity what was. I didn't go to run with Gail in the morning, somehow it just seemed not fitting in emotionally. It was cold, freezing sleeting rain and wet snow, windy, and I didn't feel like battling it all on the run while trying to have a soulful conversation with my other best friend. Instead, we went to a coffee place and talked, again, feeling like it's a new level I am at, but the same, and weird, but feels natural, and I recognize it like it's somebody else talking, not me, but it feels so natural...

It was a perfect trip. To paraphrase Billy Joel, I am in a great state of mind. Gail mentioned my new name's abbreviation is OK. Yep, I am OK. I am better than that. Nothing to prove, nobody's approval expected. Frame that is right for me. Feels good. And I need to make these trips a little more often, and a little longer:)

The shot above was from the top of Counsel Crest onto the City of Rose, and today's morning was blessed with a glorious (if slow on still mushy legs) run on a sun-lit Greenbelt. It's a beautiful life.
"it was great seeing u too and conversing i think it brought some more motive for me to do well.  i luv ya luv yas luv ya"