A (very) cautious (running) optimism.

I had been re-introducing runs into my schedule, and my manual therapist/chiropractor Dr. Sellers and I seem to have been getting “hotter” to the origin of where the “now” pain is located and what to do about it. The PT from Dr. Spears can’t do anything about my ideas because she has to perform by the rules of Dr. Spears’ diagnosis/suggestions, and Dr. Spears doesn’t want to see me until it’s been 6 weeks. I need to find solutions to deal with the “issue of the tissue” first and foremost, and all the exercises that help me to alter the gate are good, but not “freeing” the cause of the pain at the moment. Yeah, I know, it sucks being a doctor (at least a former one) and go to one for an advice. You never keep challenging them and always keep digging yourself. May be it’s a good thing, because all my observations and questioning and requests (and thankfully Dr. Sellers’s listening ability and agreeing to entertain my ideas) seem to be leading to somewhat a good direction. Of course, my job is to be careful and not go crazy!

I had 4 runs this week. Well, I had one last Sunday, and it was supposed to be a trial 5M loop on trails, but the day was glorious, and I was elated, and I went into an additional loop to a point of no return when the pain struck, and for the rest of the run, the rest of the day, and all the following day I was paying for it. That, and I managed to pick up am ear infection, and eye infection and a sty simultaneously, so I spent Monday home. Then life has gotten better…

I did a Stepmill and a Bikram class on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, as I left work, I drove straight to a trailhead without coming home. It was another nice day, with lots of sunshine (oddly enough, Austin had been very cloudy and rainy lately, reminding me Oregon days rather strongly), and even somewhat hot. I ran every step of my “Ken’s loop” 6M trail the way I used to when we lived in an apartment. I ran every step. I was sore and tired, but I vowed not to break into a walk, laughing at myself that endurance is all gone, and at mile 4 I feel broke, and Larry (who, himself, slowly clawing his way out of injury) and I are trying really hard to rather joke about it. Because if we don’t, it is a cause for crying, indeed. Having 2 (two!) runners in a family both of whom are injured could be a disaster. You should see our limping bodies after an hour run... How in the world did we ever run those 30 mile long runs??? Anyhow, I made it, glistening in sweat, and felt revived and hopeful. Then I was having trouble walking, again…

I took another Stairmaster punishment on Thursday, along with Dr. Sellers squeezing the life out of my left foot. On Friday I fulfilled his idea that I should try and run fast in intervals as it will help me keep the correct form and land the foot where it needs to, back to normal, as opposed to all this time it has been doing so in compensating matter. That, and I have an arch support in my shoes. So, I went late at night to run loops around that local 0.6M park, with 0.15M walk in-between. Oh, my Lord! It is not only endurance that is lost. The idea of pushing the effort to any serious level was foreign to me, but I did what I could. I timed my “intervals”, and each of those three were done in 4:21. Now, the path is loose gravel and have feet sinking in a bit, and comparing to the track, it does have some inclines and declines, but it is probably also not an exact 0.6M (this estimate is from the street distance around it). Never mind, though, because once I pressed the “start” button on my watch, I felt like a runner. A fat, slow, exhausted and tired, but a runner. Oh, what a simple button does to you…and oh, there is probably a reason it is highly recommended to come back to the repeats at a shorter intervals, like 100m!

I did a very super-easy 4 miles yesterday while kids played basketball and I jogged around that same park, and today went back to the 8M loop on trails, now officially planning to do the full thing. And run every step of it. And I did. It was coldish and rainy, and the rocks were slippery, and I wasn’t pushing. The pain came at the same 4M mark, but a mile later kind of faded, and I finished the whole thing, still running, and when came home, apparently came on the mark of my best time there. Go figure, endurance and effort combined…

My new dress and my new door.

It’s been a good week. The work finally had moved from the last 2 month’ dead spot, so there is hope for my lab presentation in a month. Older kid is still in school, although that shelter place has a long waiting list (to which he got put on), and he is still in close contact. The younger kid is doing well, and admitted to preparing a surprise for me on Valentine. Yeah, my sons are “mama’s boys”, but not in terms being pestered, rather somehow along the line I managed to matter to them, and this is the best thing I could ever, ever wish for (I am a traditional woman, you know, and my primary role is to raise children who can do well living life further). Our both kids (my Stephen and Larry’s Harrison) been very traditional boys this weekend (unlike usual, when they are totally “electronic” kids of this generation and society). They played chess, shoot hoops on basketball court, and we played Scrabble last night for an hour and half like mad. I had finished (in 1 day!) knitting a baby blanket for a friend who gave birth to a beautiful little girl and also finished knitting a dress for myself – in 2 weeks only doing so when on the bus or watching TV! I am feverishly working on a new project, and my love for crafting is back – as the wish to never spend time un-productive. Larry did his guy thing and had replaced one door (in a hallway closet) with a new one, which he got unfinished, painted, sanded, put all that other stuff on, and boy, what a good work on a $25 door does to a room! I am eagerly awaiting for him to slowly replace all of those cheap apartment-grade doors we have. I am about to hit my second-for-the-week Bikram class with my favorite teacher, and I think I have a crash on her (get your mind out of your other body parts, it’s a teacher-student crash! and I feel a little bit guilty towards my previous favorite teacher, like I am cheating on her, or something:)). The standing on one leg for a minute postures are difficult, shaky and hurtful on the left side, but the rest of the class is pure bliss, physically and mentally. In the last month I lost 2 pounds, ½ inch off my waist and behind, and learned not to go crazy when step on the scale (as well as to step on it only twice a week instead of every day obsessively). It's not easy, you know, when only 4 months prior I was displaying the best body-shape ever in my life! But, oh, well...who mentions old, gets an eye out (an old Russian wisdom)/ Somehow, in the next 4 short months, I need to get myself to the point where I can finish (nobody’s even talking about doing well at) a couple of 50 milers and a couple of 100’s.

But the main goal is double-fold: first is to NOT take steps back in recovery and continue to heal, and second is to get my base back. The speed, the endurance, and the rest of it will be added once these two achieved.

p.s. and for those who happen to stumble here from GRS, my belief is that the value of a man is not what he is making, whether salary-wise or around-the-house, but how he treats his (and other) woman. Same (but opposite) goes for a woman. And in both of their self-respect and assurance of their value:)

p.p.s. This weekend was the first one in a while neither Larry nor I joined Tejas Trails at the race. Rocky Raccoon 50/100M was in session, with lots of rain before and during, muddy trails, interesting events (Hal Koerner won, Karl Meltzer cam 2nd, Sabrina Moran took women's title, while Liza Howard dropped with injury at mile 80). As for the reason, I didn't think standing on my feet was a smart idea in terms of my own foot deal (and remembering the outcome after Cactus Rose/Bandera), nor leaving my guys was fare to them. We hope to see many of runners at the next event.

Proud mama

I won't go into too many details, but if you managed to follow this blog since it's inception at the end of 2005, you might somehow remember I used to write a lot about my feelings, and especially about my older son, who since February of 2006 had been in Montana Trouble Teen Boarding school for a year, Florida Military-oriented trouble-teen boarding school for 7 months, left house at 17 and half under my rules, lived on streets and couch-surfed, did drugs, stole, partied, served time (13 months, half of which was in rehab facility), got out, got kicked out of 2 housing projects for former felons due to coming back to drugs, couch-surfed more...We always maintained an honest relationship. It was steady no matter how unsteady his (and, actually, my) lives were. There were times he'd disappear for a couple of months, and I would barely know he is still alive. Then we'd talk. I never scolded him, never read lectures - not since he was out from under my roof. From the moment he left the key to my place on the table - he was an adult, or at least he was trying to be. It was up to him to grow up, I couldn't do it for him. I cherished the ability of his to always tell me the truth, however harsh it was. That was very important to me. That, and the idea that the real road to recovery would have to be taken when and if he is ready, not because someone wants him to, or for parents' sake, nor even for the sake of the law. He had to want it. I told him I will patiently await, and will support every step in that direction - nothing else. But I will forever love him, my son, my first-born, always a difficult one, and for that always precious.

He started a community college this January. Just one class. I told him I'd pay for 1 class and if he thinks he wants more, we'll discuss next semester. He hasn't missed a day. He got new parole officer. He is on a strict schedule of all the meetings and drug tests. He got leads to the jobs kind to ex-felons and potential housing. He wants more school and more work. And to top it all off - he sounds excited. That I haven't heard in many, many years...

oh also i wanted to let u know that things r only getting better right now my PO referred me to this program upstairs in their building that helps with housing and employment and much more im signing into this place downtown called the outside in and i have an appointment on thursday at 2 to get set up they give meals and a place to stay for free as long as im doing something productive and seeing as how im going to school right now it is already productivity as well as the fact that my counselor gave me an 8 page list of felony friendly jobs so soon i will be employed living downtown and saving money for my own place hopefully b4 the end of the world i will be on my feet

life is good

never thought id say it in my position but life is good

I hope i make u proud mom i hope so

it was all the stupid drugs n stuff 

No, it's not a magic switch, and yes, I do expect setbacks. But I can't be not thrilled for the first time in all those years, because what I hear is not what I demand in respond yet rather his own words coming out with a huge smile that I can see on his face through two thousand miles.

It's much easier to be a proud parent of a perfect child. You know, one who learned to read at 4 (he did, in both languages), or who knew math without listening to a teacher (yep), or one who is a gifted musician (both on piano and guitar, notes or by ear). I never doubted my son has a core in him that anyone would envy. I never stopped believing in that something that I knew we gave him - and he cultivated it, through wild days, lonely hungry days, scary days, brain-clouded days...I knew.

Grit...who cares if you can run a marathon fast, or a 100 miler through the mountains. Life is where it tested. Your character. Your grit. Your desire. Your patience. Your love. Your core.

Small stuff, which we shouldn't sweat, even if we sweat during it.

I am working hard and fighting tooth and nail to keep fitness level and even up it a notch. I came to almost enjoy spin classes (5 times a week) to the point I don't care who instructor is (some really suck) as long as I give it an absolute honest push. Apparently, my HR could go up to 240 at max? Is it even possible? But that's what the count says at the top of my panting loud interval. I even bought a stationary bike for home and stuck it in the office, where I add on some even-paced moderate effort spins at times (and so does my step-son when he is with us). On two of the days of the week that don't provide spin class at 5:30 am (for which I wake up at 4:30 am and hear Larry's "why" as I drag him with me twice a week), I crack a StepMill high and pound climbing. All 5 days include weight training. The weekend go for "longer runs", which combines of hopping between StairMaster-Spin Class-StepMill-Elliptical for 2 hrs total. May be I'll try a short jog on trails tomorrow. Yes, and I've been religious with PT 2xday. Bikram yoga's great, we have a new instructor on Mondays and I love her to pieces so I now switched to Monday. She reminds me of me back in NYC: force, sarcasm, gentle push, great stories, cracking jokes, remembering people's names, encouraging, hands-on (neither is often seen at Bikram studio due to franchised way of a monolog and standing on a "podium"). Also want to go back to Ashtanga on Wednesdays at the gym, but this week American Idol began, and it's a family affair (don't judge, my kids hooked me up on it back 10 seasons ago, so I haven't missed one yet). I am going to DVR next week and squeeze everything in. Do I see results? How would I know if I don't run? Thus I want to try, but last Sunday on a 2M trail hike with my son one mile was one too much for my foot. It was still beautiful, the River Trail (a.k.a. Staircase) being the best urban gem in Austin. I miss it so much...

On a positive note, my girlfriend is going to use my registration for 3M Half-marathon, so I feel much better - the money is not wasted and somebody very dear to me can benefit (she couldn't afford to pay for it at the moment) while reviving her resolve to train and run. That is good.

Work is finally gotten into a smooth full schedule (science, you know, after a long break experiments need to pick up, cells to grow, blah-blah, unlike Larry dove head first and disappeared in his numbers and presentations). I had taken a back-sit with my business to make sure I provide stability to my son while he is finishing up high school (to ensure I am home same time in the evenings), and keeping a base-level at it for a few friends as well as to have the certification fresh and up to date. But I had began dreaming of going full-time into it once Stephen is out. It's a far-fetched plan (2.5 years away), but it is what it is. We all make decisions based on what's best for us.

I plan to visit Portland for a day at the end of February to see my older son, Alex (thank God for reward miles and free ticket). He actually takes a class at PCC, and I hope he stays at it. That's as much as I can say at the moment.

My sister had an oral surgery yesterday, but it was done poorly, and she was hospitalized today for more surgery. It's Friday night there, and the weekend is coming. WTF? When she had a surgery done for her colon cancer, the first round they left a piece of gauze and a plastic tube in. As in "forgot". She had to be opened up again. My parents are too old/sick/not mobile. I feel pretty crappy, but all I can do is pray (I can't even call to talk to her).

Life is going on. Winter has always been a little on a SAD side, even when in Texas. But we always rebound, right? So we will, again, this year.

I dream of mountains and trails.

Olympic Trials Marathon in Houston

6 hours drive and 3 hours cheering...that's our Saturday for inspiration. Larry took about 350 photos, and I cropped and downloaded a handful of those I care for HERE. Between being totally in awe and trying to digest the perfect form, we managed to yell our heart out for a few of friends of ours - yes, ultrarunners! They can be fast too! The Team USA is going to be great! Max King is the most versatile runner in my memory, Josh Cox displayed his usual speed, Mike Wardian had a rough day. Devon Crosby-Helms had shown all how to go for the goal once set so far out of reach, and Meghan Arbogast is simply not letting age define her - and her 4th Olympic Trials at 50. What a morning!
Men's results
Women's results

Running is cancelled.

Saw a doctor. Dirty laundry list below (left foot):
 - compressive neuropathy 1st branch Lateral Plantar Nerve (Baxter nerve) with adverse neural tension
 - FHL/FDL stenosing tenosynovitis
 - distal plantar fasciapathy
 - partial tear of medial plantar fascia at calconeus
 - mild metatarsalgia/capsulitis 2nd metatarsal
 - Cuboid syndrome
 - mild herniation L3/L4

The whole list is either caused by #1 or causes #1 to develop/worsen. The diagnosis of entrapment was correct...only a different nerve is the issue. Or, may be it was in conjunction, but not the main cause of this incredibly increasingly bad pain. I am pretty pissed off at over a month of time wasted on wrong therapy. For the future, if you need to know the real problem - see a doctor-specialist, not a chiropractor (as great as they can be). If your foot hurts, it's time to see a foot doctor, not a sport medicine doctor, not a chiro, not LMT...Apparently, Dr. Baxter is from Houston, TX, and Dr. Spears I saw had orthopedic surgery specialization under Dr. Baxter. What are the odds...

A bunch of medical mumble-jumble:
Baxter nerve entrapment information, diagnosis and treatment.
The first branch of the lateral plantar nerve travels between the deep fascia of the abductor hallucis and the medial fascia of the quadratus plantae and then continues deep to the flexor digitorum brevis muscle. Although somewhat variable, it has several branches. It typically provides a sensory branch to the medial calcaneal tuberosity, motor branches to the flexor digitorum brevis muscle, and sometimes a motor branch to the quadratus plantae. It then provides a sensory branch to the lateral heel and a motor branch to the abductor digiti quinti muscle.  
Entrapment of the first branch of the lateral plantar nerve beneath the deep fascia of the abductor hallucis muscle and/or beneath the medial edge of the quadratus plantae fascia are the most commonly seen causes of tarsal tunnel syndrome. 
Symptoms usually worsen with increased activity, as well as toward the end of the day and after long periods of standing, walking, or running. Prolonged standing in one place may be an aggravating factor (here is the reason I am having hard time standing in the kitchen!). Most patients continue to have pain or burning ("after pain" or "after burn") for 30 minutes to several hours after they are off their feet (tell me about it, I sit at work and feel the burn). 

Prognosis - PT for 3 months, no running, cross-training with what does not cause pain. In general a pour outcome and surgery eventually required in most cases. I will have to really think in the next couple of weeks as I go through PT if may be I want surgery right away (recovery of 2-3 weeks non-bearing exercises and then introducing weight-bearing), this way there is still hope to make it through at least my mid-season, which is the most important anyway. I am giving up 3M half-marathon and Austin marathon (so much for plans to PR, train for speed, enter ultra season in fast shape...). I am not giving up anything beginning April. I am resolved (after spending some time crying) that I will get in shape on all those machines I hate so much (and had been using for 6 months sans December, in which I got overzealous with running miles and meeting arbitrary goals and had put my already not-directly-pointed recovery further back than where it was to begin with), I will adjust my food intake (what and how much) to the fact I don't do cardio my body may demand for a proper burning, I will focus on yoga for those herniated disks rearing their heads back to their 12-year old history, and I will not give up my dreams and passion. And I will buy those soft sleepers so I can stand in my kitchen and keep cooking meals every night:)

No pity, but encouragements are appreciated. I am pretty seriously tired, discouraged and in need of a good ass-kicking. Oh, man, back to spin classes...