It had taken me a long thinking on whether or not even bother to type anything. I love laying my thoughts "on the paper", and the funny thing is, as much as I detest technology, and as 2-finger woodpecker my computer style is, I still type better than I write with pen these days, and somehow the keys hitting hard organize my thoughts. I wondered why write the posts if nobody reads it, and tried to tell - as always, I need it for me, to be accountable, to see some stuff more clearly. And then I wondered, since there are still a few who somehow didn't un-signed from the feed and may get my updates, some of those I am aware of I certainly don't even want to share my life with. As in, I can't write half-truths, but not all deserve to know my inside-out self. This blog has always been my honest recount, and while originally it was for training and racing, it had never solely been directed as such. It's been a mix, just like life is. Now the mix is surely one-sided: less running, more talking. More soul searching. More deep thinking. God, how I wish I was running more, yet I grew patient - accepting, yet not giving up - patient, yes. Plodding along...
With that, here I am, as I felt an urge I couldn't resist. Here we go. 2016. Another year passed by, like a comet in the sky. How true - the older we get, the faster time goes. It doesn't just trickle between my fingers like sand - it literally zips in a frantic flash. Just yesterday I was at the kitchen table, planning my PCT hike - and now it is such a distant memory, I rarely even think about it, unless some random person asks. Yet it has been such a defining time...may be. May be not. Not any single moment defines us much, or confirms what we knew already. It just is. It was a time of my life, part of my life, one I am so happy to have lived, but not the best, or the whatever - just another part. Wonderful, painful, beautiful, boring, exciting, all the things we experience every day - in a different way. It was a good highlight of my year, physically and spiritually. It, too, had passed...
There were trips we made, all are awesome, and I think back, much further back than this year, and how I always had this zest for travel, for seeing new places, exploring, preparing, dreaming, and then as it's over - moving on, not dwelling long. Visiting, going away and coming back is, too, just another part of me. Good part. Not so good. Just is.
I've seen many friends this year and fostered relationships I am proud of, new and old and reliable. I parted ways with a few as well. That, too, is part of my personal growth. Time is valuable, so much so that I realize I can't afford to dedicate even a moment of dwelling whether or not I believe someone has a space in my life. Like the saying goes, "it's not them, it's me". I moved on. Nobody is wrong or right, just sometimes things need to get past comfortable stagnation of nothingness and empty some void for other things and people to come. I am staying true to me. I am finding who me - now - is.
I am learning to create the time and space in letting myself be less occupied with work and daily burdens, letting go of things I did for oh, so many reasons. Not allowing my mind to be still, be a financial provider of sorts, just not be weak. Yes, that. Letting go of responsibilities felt weak. I am still undecided whether right now, by actually letting go, I am accepting I am weak(er) and it's OK, or just that its not a definition of strength vs weakness at all. And it doesn't even matter. I let go. I simplify. I breathe.
My soul. My kids. My God. That, too, is on another spiral of being, so far where I didn't even know I could, would or should. Just like that, November was spent in anxiety, in searching for truths, for answers. Reading, talking, listening. Digging, crying, deciding. And as they say "Let go and let God" comes when it does, and things happen on its own, and I can not control a single thing besides my own thinking - and as it happens, one after another, the realizations come: wow, I've been waiting for this, just exactly this, may be scared, uncertain, but it is how it has to be, now, and I am so ok with it...and I begin to exhale slowly. What a perfect timing, what a weirdly ending for the year...
I had been on a binge of un-winding my knitted clothing items and re-making them, some from scratch, some just perfecting details. I have new yarns stashes enough to keep me busy and ideas to entertain me, yet what draws me is this. Why, I wonder. Is it like re-making my soul? My life? Re-writing my story? I don't know, I like my story, guts, gory and warts. It't the story that brought me where I am. On a continuous road to search. So I stop wondering and let go.
2017 is going to be a great year. It's the year of Rooster, my year. I am going to make it my year. I am going to keep adjusting my time and space, my exercise, my eating, my work. My free time, my self-care, my friendships. My home, my love for my husband and best friend. I am going to continue growing, emotionally, spiritually. Pick up new things to learn, return to some old ones. Set goals, yet be flexible. Dream about future long hikes and exciting trips, explore the Universe and God as I view them. Be kind - to others. To myself. This coming year is all in my hands. I am not going to let it sip through or fly by:)
With that, here I am, as I felt an urge I couldn't resist. Here we go. 2016. Another year passed by, like a comet in the sky. How true - the older we get, the faster time goes. It doesn't just trickle between my fingers like sand - it literally zips in a frantic flash. Just yesterday I was at the kitchen table, planning my PCT hike - and now it is such a distant memory, I rarely even think about it, unless some random person asks. Yet it has been such a defining time...may be. May be not. Not any single moment defines us much, or confirms what we knew already. It just is. It was a time of my life, part of my life, one I am so happy to have lived, but not the best, or the whatever - just another part. Wonderful, painful, beautiful, boring, exciting, all the things we experience every day - in a different way. It was a good highlight of my year, physically and spiritually. It, too, had passed...
There were trips we made, all are awesome, and I think back, much further back than this year, and how I always had this zest for travel, for seeing new places, exploring, preparing, dreaming, and then as it's over - moving on, not dwelling long. Visiting, going away and coming back is, too, just another part of me. Good part. Not so good. Just is.
I've seen many friends this year and fostered relationships I am proud of, new and old and reliable. I parted ways with a few as well. That, too, is part of my personal growth. Time is valuable, so much so that I realize I can't afford to dedicate even a moment of dwelling whether or not I believe someone has a space in my life. Like the saying goes, "it's not them, it's me". I moved on. Nobody is wrong or right, just sometimes things need to get past comfortable stagnation of nothingness and empty some void for other things and people to come. I am staying true to me. I am finding who me - now - is.
I am learning to create the time and space in letting myself be less occupied with work and daily burdens, letting go of things I did for oh, so many reasons. Not allowing my mind to be still, be a financial provider of sorts, just not be weak. Yes, that. Letting go of responsibilities felt weak. I am still undecided whether right now, by actually letting go, I am accepting I am weak(er) and it's OK, or just that its not a definition of strength vs weakness at all. And it doesn't even matter. I let go. I simplify. I breathe.
My soul. My kids. My God. That, too, is on another spiral of being, so far where I didn't even know I could, would or should. Just like that, November was spent in anxiety, in searching for truths, for answers. Reading, talking, listening. Digging, crying, deciding. And as they say "Let go and let God" comes when it does, and things happen on its own, and I can not control a single thing besides my own thinking - and as it happens, one after another, the realizations come: wow, I've been waiting for this, just exactly this, may be scared, uncertain, but it is how it has to be, now, and I am so ok with it...and I begin to exhale slowly. What a perfect timing, what a weirdly ending for the year...
I had been on a binge of un-winding my knitted clothing items and re-making them, some from scratch, some just perfecting details. I have new yarns stashes enough to keep me busy and ideas to entertain me, yet what draws me is this. Why, I wonder. Is it like re-making my soul? My life? Re-writing my story? I don't know, I like my story, guts, gory and warts. It't the story that brought me where I am. On a continuous road to search. So I stop wondering and let go.
2017 is going to be a great year. It's the year of Rooster, my year. I am going to make it my year. I am going to keep adjusting my time and space, my exercise, my eating, my work. My free time, my self-care, my friendships. My home, my love for my husband and best friend. I am going to continue growing, emotionally, spiritually. Pick up new things to learn, return to some old ones. Set goals, yet be flexible. Dream about future long hikes and exciting trips, explore the Universe and God as I view them. Be kind - to others. To myself. This coming year is all in my hands. I am not going to let it sip through or fly by:)
5 comments:
Olga, as always thank you for sharing your thoughts and your life on this blog. I always enjoy reading what you write even if I don't always comment. I especially enjoyed reading this post as I am no longer active on social media and don't seem to miss more than a very few of my "casual" friends on there. Like you 2016 has been a transition year for me. I've started a new relationship and have a lot of new goals for my life. I too am looking forward to 2017.
Nice post, as always, Olga. Best of luck in the Rooster year!
Merry Christmas to you and Larry...
Keep up the good work and the blog. I love your open honest writing style
Love you, Olga! Cheers to 2017. It will be a great year, filled with God and Love.
Olga, your post rings true on so many levels for me, as well. It's therapeutic to flip the memory pages through our past experiences -- always something new to discover about ourselves from the things we've already gone through. It takes enormous strength, not weakness, to let go of things you were once committed to that no longer have room in your life. Hope 2017 brings you tranquility and clarity. And some fun adventures :)
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