Beuscher Park run.

I took a day off and drove a full hour to the trailhead which I obnoxiously consider the only real trail running heaven in Austin area, for a 3 hour play. Got so excited, not even 20 steps into the loop I kissed the trail and drew blood...welcome back? The irony is, I used to "love" Supermaning the trails, but that was due to being a little reckless, faster and somewhat clumsy. The only part that's left is clumsy, plus I completely forgot how to lift my feet to clear even tiniest unevenness of trails. 

This song came appropriately timely: "'Cause sometimes you just feel tired, Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up. And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse."

I always loved that song. It's just I used to listen to it at the end of a 100 miler, not at the first mile of a 15.

Came back to the car, washed off a bit, replaced smashed gel from the hip pocket (of course I fell on that hip!), and went on to complete the play, gluing my eyes to the trails under my feet. Ran, slow, every step for a loop and half, when back hills on the 2nd loop, however benign, humbled me to some walk breaks. 2 Voulchers circled over me waiting for my complete collapse, but I tricked them! Finished spent yet happy to give so much time to trails. Thankful I rolled from 50k option at Smith Rock to 15 miler, but now pray I get though even that in some kind of upright and coherent state. My running seems to really going backwards instead of progressing, but whatever is that I have not going to take me out of being on trails (and trying to run).  It was my 2nd and final 15M trail run in prepping for that Oregon trip. I had also done 5 runs of 16-20 miles on roads. Only first 2 felt ok. 

Now, though, I am a) scared of a shower (sissy!), b) not sure how to massage peeps tomorrow with both hands damaged, c) have a 3-day hot (!) yoga teacher training weekend ahead, sweat and bending and all!. Whoopsy-do!

Ironically, my friend emailed me a day prior with this question:

How do you feel about your body not doing what you want it to do?

Here was my response: I feel lots of things. Mad because I do love the running, and because it was a much easier way to control my body fat than not eating. Curious and upset that I have no clue why it happened - and, actually, what exactly happened. Somewhat relieved I don't have to train in this stupid Texas weather and ugly trails/roads. Lost/robbed of my own identity. Not sure who am I, not accepted by anybody, not having friends, no feeling of belonging. Lonely. At least not angry anymore.

On a good (great!) note, the friends are still here, and the old guard of Texas ultrarunners who had adopted me still has fun - and seems that neither one of them runs (though I am the youngest of the "old guard", somehow squeezing in due to longevity). There was a party a couple weekends ago, and in another 2 weeks Larry and I are hosting potluck for same folks as well!