Anyway, the hamstring strain is not healing, the sciatica nerve got bunged up inside it and inflamed from knee to glut, I make my morning outings at 11 min/mile pace (I dipped sub-10 on one run for 8 miles and was thrilled! on the road!), the 5 miles of rocky trails we have here (ok, may be 15 miles) are run in the last 4 years across and over every inch (and even that only happens once a week on Saturday, the rest is stuck to flat road loops around house)...the goals get fuzzy, and I am not a happy camper.
I am not too concerned about Grindstone, but may be it's not a good thing. As long as I get healthy by then, I plan to hike it up and jog it down (and pray for not many flat parts I am technically required to run, since that's the hurting part). I need a finish under 36 hrs (cut off) to qualify for Hardrock 100 lottery. I do hope to make it sub-30 - I'll be lying if I say I am ok to walk the whole thing, but if I need to, I will.
Because this winter will be my last time applying for Hardrock 100 lottery. It's just not working out for me here. And you can tell me to get excited, and keep on going, and suck it up...and if you think I haven't said that, or heard that, or done that, think again.
But sucking up still requires at least an inspirational point, which I ran out of. And as I tell my coaching clients, if the goal doesn't inspire you and doesn't mean something personal to YOU - forget doing anything serious and just power through. Like last season, when San Diego 100 turned in by accident and my whole first half of the year lit up all kinds of great colors...ain't happening now. Hardrock is changing, I am changing, my life is changing.
I am running low on mental and emotional fuel. The job job, the daily 8-5 one, provides security and stability (and means to run). The other things provide emotional and mental blessing, but little pay off. We can all talk about money in high-spirited terms, but the truth is, I am here, in this country, all with no relatives to help, with kids, future (very near retiring) and responsibilities to my partner in life and his goals. So, floating on dreams is not going to make me feel better if I can't pay for food - at the ripe age of almost 44 - or for those runs that still fill my soul. Lets set aside the "Ah" moments and get into real life. I work a lot and am totally wiped out, and the summer heat makes it worse, and the hard training overwhelms right now. This is THIS moment. I "coached" through this kind of moments my running clients - and I told them to drop me and pull back. So, who's gonna tell me that?
I took 8 yoga classes in the last 12 days, went to my chiropractor for some digging (and have 2 more sessions), got a massage, I stretch, I weight train per PT advice, and I shuffle flat roads to not aggravate the injury. It doesn't get better, nor does it fill my heart.
For a lot of other reasons, my life seems to be upside down right now, and I can't find a course. I will, of course, I always do...that "suck it up" part works like a charm, but right now I need to break down, to be able to re-build.
I wanted to plan on Bryce 100M next summer, and they cancelled a 100M option. No other 100M course inspires me enough in this country (or other country, which I wouldn't go to anyway) to train for. I had the same feeling last year, until, as I said many times, that email from Scotty Mills about SD100 came in. So, if I don't get into Hardrock 100 via lottery, the 100's are over. Should have done it on a high note after SD100, but wanted to give HR one last try, and signed up for qualifier...:) Well, lets make it happen then.
I never learned how to depend on anybody, and I don't know if I ever will. Sometimes I wish I could, actually, I often wish, it would make so many lives easier. But it can't happen at the snap of a finger when for 40 years nobody gave a damn.
So, here is my yearly angry post, take it for what it is. Tomorrow I am going to make 4 hrs of 3,500 feet of climb with hill repeats on trails, and I hope there will be running, but if I need to - I'll hike and suck it up. This could be my only chance to do so as a "long run", God willing. Gotta have one, right? (Actually, #4 for the 5 weeks span!)
Somebody throw some inspiration, or something. If I lived close to the mountains, I could have at least hiked up - and not care a tiniest bit about injuries, heat, training...but I don't, and I won't for a while. So, every summer, by the time August rolls around, and I am done with traveling to the mountains for the year (I only have so much vacation and spare change for that to happen), I am about to scream my head off - although more likely I end up crying my eyes out:)
Deep breath. See you on the other side of this crazy time.