In general I operate much better on feelings than on facts. With that I won't be sharing how my son is doing, not to forget it is not my life to share with audience without consent, but I had great feelings all Friday. The visit was good. We talked non-stop for 9 hrs straight as we ran around doing chores and fulfilling what needed to be done, or what we wanted to have done. We laughed, we shared, and we cried at goodbye. He made my heart skip a few beats when said that he doesn't get to talk that openly to anyone anywhere, including friends and all. It is an interesting stage in life when your adult children stop being your babies and separate in their physical and emotional worlds from you, yet the circles cross-over and there is a new level of a relationship. It is a wonderful feeling. I never had it with my parents - not when I was a child, and surely not now. I am beyond pleased that I have it with my older son.
Is his life difficult? Without a doubt. Has it changed drastically to where I can sigh a relief? Not quite. But he has his own path, at his own speed, with his own bumps, mountains and valleys. It is his road to walk. And if he needs 30 hrs to finish his 100 while you know he has ability to make it in 18 - be it. I'll be his aid station if he needs it, his cheer squad when he passes by, and a quiet support when he is alone in the deep dark wandering.
The day was filled up, from crashing at Anna's place on Thursday evening at 2am after hours of talking, waking up at 5 am to run with my ever-best running partner Bushwhacker Mike on trails next to my previous job at OHSU, up, up to Counsel Crest and talking (looks like I recovered just in time for that), and then back down, and not tripping in the dark, perfect weather, perfect conversation, just like good ol' times. Quick shower, trip to a Perl Bakery to meet with Monika, my family, part of my life I never forget for their generosity and love, a girl who's son is the best friend (a "brother") to my younger son, and who (Stephen) considers their family ours without reservation, who saved me when I was going through divorce, and who may not be in contact, but one of those you always know she is there for you. A car picked up at the airport - and out to get Alex at PCC, and the day in a crazy happiness and a whirl of things to do, and talking, talking. Sometimes too much information, but not stopping, because it's important he feels safe with me, trusting, not scared, so I am not scared. Plans for life, near and future. Holding his image close in my heart. Holding his hand. Don't want to let him go. Because at the end of the day, he might be extremely philosophical, smart, independent, and surely gone through some serious life most of us never have, he is still a baby, my child, who needs a mama's hug and assurance.
Anna made perfect dinner and Olga came to see me too, and we talked again, and it was wonderful, and I was almost watching myself from aside, because I seemed to be too mature for myself, not usual, I don't know how to explain it. Grown, wiser, older, calmer. I stopped by old houses I lived in, and nothing clicked in me. They were good places, but I didn't make them home. I don't miss them, it is more of a curiosity what was. I didn't go to run with Gail in the morning, somehow it just seemed not fitting in emotionally. It was cold, freezing sleeting rain and wet snow, windy, and I didn't feel like battling it all on the run while trying to have a soulful conversation with my other best friend. Instead, we went to a coffee place and talked, again, feeling like it's a new level I am at, but the same, and weird, but feels natural, and I recognize it like it's somebody else talking, not me, but it feels so natural...
It was a perfect trip. To paraphrase Billy Joel, I am in a great state of mind. Gail mentioned my new name's abbreviation is OK. Yep, I am OK. I am better than that. Nothing to prove, nobody's approval expected. Frame that is right for me. Feels good. And I need to make these trips a little more often, and a little longer:)
"it was great seeing u too and conversing i think it brought some more motive for me to do well. i luv ya luv yas luv ya"