Proud mama

I won't go into too many details, but if you managed to follow this blog since it's inception at the end of 2005, you might somehow remember I used to write a lot about my feelings, and especially about my older son, who since February of 2006 had been in Montana Trouble Teen Boarding school for a year, Florida Military-oriented trouble-teen boarding school for 7 months, left house at 17 and half under my rules, lived on streets and couch-surfed, did drugs, stole, partied, served time (13 months, half of which was in rehab facility), got out, got kicked out of 2 housing projects for former felons due to coming back to drugs, couch-surfed more...We always maintained an honest relationship. It was steady no matter how unsteady his (and, actually, my) lives were. There were times he'd disappear for a couple of months, and I would barely know he is still alive. Then we'd talk. I never scolded him, never read lectures - not since he was out from under my roof. From the moment he left the key to my place on the table - he was an adult, or at least he was trying to be. It was up to him to grow up, I couldn't do it for him. I cherished the ability of his to always tell me the truth, however harsh it was. That was very important to me. That, and the idea that the real road to recovery would have to be taken when and if he is ready, not because someone wants him to, or for parents' sake, nor even for the sake of the law. He had to want it. I told him I will patiently await, and will support every step in that direction - nothing else. But I will forever love him, my son, my first-born, always a difficult one, and for that always precious.

He started a community college this January. Just one class. I told him I'd pay for 1 class and if he thinks he wants more, we'll discuss next semester. He hasn't missed a day. He got new parole officer. He is on a strict schedule of all the meetings and drug tests. He got leads to the jobs kind to ex-felons and potential housing. He wants more school and more work. And to top it all off - he sounds excited. That I haven't heard in many, many years...

oh also i wanted to let u know that things r only getting better right now my PO referred me to this program upstairs in their building that helps with housing and employment and much more im signing into this place downtown called the outside in and i have an appointment on thursday at 2 to get set up they give meals and a place to stay for free as long as im doing something productive and seeing as how im going to school right now it is already productivity as well as the fact that my counselor gave me an 8 page list of felony friendly jobs so soon i will be employed living downtown and saving money for my own place hopefully b4 the end of the world i will be on my feet

life is good

never thought id say it in my position but life is good

I hope i make u proud mom i hope so

it was all the stupid drugs n stuff 

No, it's not a magic switch, and yes, I do expect setbacks. But I can't be not thrilled for the first time in all those years, because what I hear is not what I demand in respond yet rather his own words coming out with a huge smile that I can see on his face through two thousand miles.

It's much easier to be a proud parent of a perfect child. You know, one who learned to read at 4 (he did, in both languages), or who knew math without listening to a teacher (yep), or one who is a gifted musician (both on piano and guitar, notes or by ear). I never doubted my son has a core in him that anyone would envy. I never stopped believing in that something that I knew we gave him - and he cultivated it, through wild days, lonely hungry days, scary days, brain-clouded days...I knew.

Grit...who cares if you can run a marathon fast, or a 100 miler through the mountains. Life is where it tested. Your character. Your grit. Your desire. Your patience. Your love. Your core.