That 6 miles was a total high for me. It reminded me why I love it so much. And that my body knows how it's done. It allowed me to hope, with time, when I heal, I can come back and run with joy again.
But life is not without sad things. And today it made me cry. I didn't make a Hardrock lottery. I guess I didn't expect to, with an 8% chance (or something like this), but I had this slight glimpse of hope, and it got crashed. Not that there are no other races, or that Hardrock will be gone following years. But this next season this was the only run I really wanted to have done. Because this was my last time I was applying for it. Because I know I have a much better time in me than the one I posted in 2009, and I wanted to learn what that time really is - by myself, alone. But in following years, as the years click away, the atmosphere changes, and spending 2 weeks in a very beautiful place but with a feeling that I don't belong goes against my core values. So, this was my last chance to still catch a tail-end of what I remember when I entered Hardrock in 2007. And now it's gone...
Time to shake that odd feeling, to focus on healing and pick different goals. Time to remind my body how nice it is to go for a run:)
Don't feel sorry for yourself if you have chosen the wrong road--turn around!
When you find yourself overpowered, as it were, by melancholy, the best way is to go out and do something.
p.s. let me clarify some view points. I've been to Hardrock for 5 years now, in one capacity or another. It is a lot of time commitment (precious vacation of which I don't have much every year, as well as time away from kids and home) and money spent in 2 weeks. It is also emotionally difficult and unfair to wait for the lottery Gods to ditch me, yet again, before making plans for the year, racing, exploring, or other family vacations. Not to mention there are so many places we want to visit, at some point I just need to step back from going to the same place, no matter how beautiful. I gave myself a word it'll be last time I go to HR camp. That's why I was so sad. But we already began to figure out our season, and it's going to be a blast! Time to move on.