There is no question in my mind that I love to train. By far more than I love to race. I mean, I love going to the races, but all this pressure, external and internal, takes a heck out of me. Some people are built to race and thrive in it. I don't. May be we can drag the parallel all the way to the childhood as psychologists love to do (I did mention before I love psychology books, right?) and find that since I was born I tried to prove that I am worthy love, that I would meet and exceed expectations put on me by my parents (always way too high), but teachers, by others around, and then lately by my now ex-husband. I felt that I was never good enough. Ever. Granted, we are never ever perfect, none of us. I wasn't trying to be perfect. I just had to "show" that I meet high standards. It exhausted me to no means. At some point I slowly changed my life, and most importantly my thinking, around. Thus that "no race" thing. I bet shrink would call it "self-sabotage":) It's ok, I've been called it before.
I love challenges. But I am my own judge. May be I set up a bit lower goals - by what I am used to anyway - because I am petrified of the pressure that followed me for so many years. But if it makes me happy - who is to say it is not the way to live my life?
I had an awesome run today. Actually, I had an awesome week, on top of the awesome last week. From past weekend's double of 14/24 (in great times) I went straight into 15 on Monday (thanks to the holiday) and the regular week's schedule with an idea of going over 90 miles. This is my peak week before Rocky 100. I just have to suck it up.
This week has been tough. Somebody really mean and greedy tried to set us back, destroy the happiness we are building and distraught our minds. It was tough. It still is. But it did not deter me from my training. No way! You can't have it!
What would I do without my running? Ever since I had discovered it for myself, it took me past job and home changes, my son succumbing to drugs and laziness, his boarding schools, making a decision to have him out of the house, my nephew's death, my sister's cancer, my mom's deterioration, gave me courage to start a divorce process when it was due and helped me to stay sane through it, get me move across the country from the place I called "home" for the first time since childhood in Belarus, a bunch of financial losses...I made it through. The thing is - I know I will make it through again and again. We will. I just need to go for a run...
I did 30M today, on that infamous 5M loop of mine. I PR'd. By 25 minutes total. Every loop was executed easily and thrilling. At times I was pushing myself by anger towards what happened this week. At times I thought about those a*&holes who tried to ruin my life when I was 15. About suicide attempts I had when I was a teen. About races I shouldn't have finished. And about those I didn't finish. I thought about Tracy who sent me awesome CD's with new music (Danish rocks!) and about Ronda who shared information on the the supplement I am taking now - and boy, it works! I thought a lot, but you already know that - that's what long runs are for me. Finishing them in fast times and in great spirits is an icing on a cake:)
20 more miles tomorrow. If you know me, nothing will stop me from making it. This will be my highest miles week since last April. I am thrilled at how I feel. I am thrilled at how I hold it together, even if with tears at times. I am thrilled with my work performance, with my immediate supervisor Sabine (an awesome gal who I am so pleased to work with), with my new friend Eman, with my kiddo Stephen (even if he misbehaved this week and facing consequences), with my trouble Alex (who chatted with me this week), and with my other kid Harrison (who gave me a hug after dinner).
Life is good. Now get your butt out the door and go run!
A successful life for a man or for a woman seems to me to lie in the knowledge that one has developed to the limit the capacities with which one was endowed; that one has contributed something constructive to family and friends and to a home community; that one has brought happiness wherever it was possible; that one has earned one's way in the world, has kept some friends, and need not be ashamed to face oneself honestly.
p.s. I PR'd on the secong long run by 2 min, and with the wind we had today and not feeling groovy at the start I'll take it!