I have a blog. I also have a Facebook, Linkedin, a classmate account from Russia, another blog for training/food diary purpose, one always active email account, 1 extra email for when gmail is down (that I open once a month just in case), work email (that I only check once a week), lab account email (as a lab manager), I have a home phone (to keep internet connected), a cell phone (to keep connected with friends), a cell phone for my son (so he can be connected when he goes for sleep-over), a cell phone with my boyfriend (so we can talk non-stop and not pay a bunch). I subscribe to Dartmouth ultra list, PNW ultra list, Austin Hill Country list, Wasatch Goat list, and a bunch of sponsors I had acquired over the years. That’s not to mention all those store accounts you open when order online, and they keep sending you junk. And I am sure I am forgetting a few other things.
Does this picture bother you? May be not…but while I always, on the back of my mind, knew something’s wrong here, it kind of hit me not that long ago. I am trying to de-clutter my house (I actually always loved to do that). I take bags of stuff to Goodwill, friends and garbage, endlessly. And that is on top of the fact I don’t buy stuff to begin with. I clean my emotional space. I pull away from those people who have negative energy (not in a bad state of mind occasionally, but constantly are negative). I align my training to only what fits around my life with work, school, a kid and his activities (there is no deviation in what I do from week to week, it’s always 3 night road runs of 8M on the same loop while he is at boxing, 2 visits to the gym, 2 runs to work, 1 run on trail with friends in the morning, and then the weekend – the only not permanent shift, although it’s either Forest Park or Gorge, each only to begin at closest to city trailhead so I can be home sooner).
So why am I cluttering my cyber space? And more importantly – why am I cluttering my time, my non-existent free time with all the media I have to check on? Of course, I don’t HAVE to, but we all know how it is. Advertisement and peer pressure, a driving force of marketing. That’s how majority of Americans (and now other countries and continents) are eating hamburgers from McDonalds, drinking Coke, watching Hollywood thrillers and buying HDTV.
I refuse. I want to take a stand as I did when never succumbed to buying spree. I used to be so proud when I got my first cell phone I kept it turned off for a year in the car as it was intended to be used in EMERGENCY only. I want to walk away. Facebook will be the first one (actually, Linkedin is closed already). It’s been really fun. But I got to the point of reading statuses of people who I don’t even know! It’s nice to keep in virtual touch in such a short manner, but really, has my quality of life changed since I learned that so-an-so is up to 5 miles, and so-an-so is tired, and so on?
I know. We need compassion. OK, I won’t generalize. I need compassion. I started this blog, then it was a peer pressure to post, then it was a wait game – how many will comment, how many will like it? I admit. I haven’t gotten much of it growing up. I guess I am picking it up now. It feels wonderful. But it becomes obsession at some point. I love to write. But I love to write from the heart, on the spur of the moment (like now, by the way), not because I got some number of hits and it reminds me that people are waiting for me to say something.
I will keep this blog. I need a place to put race reports down. And occasional revelations. And file digital pictures since I don't have additional accounts and my Picasa album is full. And it's such a great place to keep the links I check on together. But I will not post for the sake of posting. And I will close my comments. And I will keep my training blog – but only for a handful of closest people I want to be accountable to, and only until I get in full habit to count my food (obviously, being addictive drags to every corner of life). I will likely stop to put down workouts there – I was perfectly fine for last 7 years with pen-n-paper log. I had gotten off a few club’s lists, and will go on no-mail for Dartmouth (after all, I only open about 5% of emails, but I do spend time deleting the rest of them. This list has the most junk correspondence I ever met in my life). I will opt-out of all notifications from all my accounts. I will walk away from Facebook and my other personal email.
I was told I am DNFing here. I guess I am. But may be I do it so I don’t DNF in communication with my son, my boyfriend, and my close friends. My work, my school, my reading, my training, my other hobbies (I actually had but forgot all about). I’ll take this bargain.
As they say when breaking up: “It’s not you, it’s me”. It’s been a wild ride.