"On the road to personal discovery throw away the map"

That taper thing is a weird one. I am a thinking addict as is, and when I don't run miles I think more. Actually, I take it back, when I run I think a lot...forget it, I am confused, I am just always rolling things in my mind, overanalyzing, overthinking, been my own psychotherapist, somebody else's psychologist, yet another one's client/patient and on top of it trying to make a plot of that book I plan to write one day...when I finally sit down for long enough to write it:) So I'll just throw out a few ideas that's stewing inside that bubble with a bunch of rarely-seen-a-brush hair pulled in a pony tail.

Opportunities are everywhere, and they knock more then once. That's because opportunity is not a random event; it arises as a direct result of circumstances and attitude. You need to know exactly what you want, why you want it - and believe in yourself. Anything is possible. Success is that moment when preparation meets opportunity. What is success for you? It is defined differently for each of us, often close enough, and there is no right or wrong - as long as you're honest with yourself about it. Because if you lie trying to brush things off and puff them up to look pretty - nobody is going to loose but you.

Once you do - figure out what you need (and very importantly - why, because just "what" will not lead you anywhere) - make a list. And when awhile ago I talked about "put it down, make it happen" - my then intention was to be somewhat serious and think about life's options. May be career change, may be relationship, may be lifestyle, may be hobby...now make a "fun list"! "The only things you regret...are the things you didn't do" (Michael Curtiz) Don't think, grab a pen and write down what you think you'd miss not doing if you were told right now you have 5 years to live? Anything at all can go here, however crazy it may sound, from jumping on a bungee rope to climbing Everest to kissing a frog to telling someone you love them. Why wait till tomorrow? Start with the small things - kiss that frog:) "Happiness is to be found along the way, not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it is too late. Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour, the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good, with all of its trials and troubles, and perhaps more interesting because of them." (Robert Updegraft)

You know, funny thing is, these two lists I kind of split at first in my mind, are actually one. I think I only realized it when I put each of them next to another - and it was a light bulb. Wow! Life is about passion. And at the end it doesn't matter
whether it's an "official" career or a crazy hobby you are picking up - you have to be passionate about it. So the things merge so closely, you forget which one is what. And at the end, you are passionate about something because it makes you feel good about yourself.

Every time I used to think "it makes me feel good" it sent me selfish waves. I grew up when doing anything for yourself is very bad, unaccepted idea. I don't know how was it here back then, so won't claim the differences or similarities. It took me so long to turn my thoughts around. There is nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself - because then it drives us to help others feel good about themselves too. Isn't it the Law of Universe? What is that stops you from been happy? Lack of clarity? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Fear of responsibility? Envy and jealousy? What sabotages your walk on a path to a personal discovery?


"To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting" E.E.Cummings
I am very proud of who I am. I make my load of mistakes and drop my share of hammers on my own head, and yes, it often leads to hurting somebody else in a process. But I am living my life only I know I can - and only I am responsible for. Nobody can take that away from me. And while I crave appreciation and acceptance, seeking it never tops my priority list when making decisions...

Life is a balance of things from all the spectrum of rainbow. No black and white, as much as I often "assign" the color. I often refer to life as uphill and downhill, but coming to realization it is not that simple either - it is bumps coming onto you simultaneously.
On the down part I have my Mom slipping into senile stage and on the verge of getting back to clinic, on top of physical ailments she has.
On the up part I have Stephen who had finished his 6th grade with all "A's" and only one "B" - this has never happened before! I got adjusted to my little boy been not as bright as his older brother, yet he surprised me big time, and you should have seen a shy pride in his eyes when he brought his report card!
On the down side my sister's boyfriend got back into alcoholism and she had to let him go, but not sure if she is ready, so she is struggling to find the answers.
On the up side the Massage school had confirmed 3 credits for me if I take exam tests by September (no classes).
On the low my job is extremely busy right now, yet still not fulfilling me at all, and it makes me drag going there, not to mention the summer started, and I am constantly away and feeling guilty for not putting more hours.
On the high, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am making small steps to changing my future and getting closer to what I would love to do with my life.
On the downhill ditch, my health is not improving as much as I'd like to, not to mention I make it worse with various things, and my training for this year is non-existent (in terms of training per se). Oh, and the never-ending saga with my ex.
On the uphill climb I love my newfound respect and love for running for the sake of pure pleasure of running, and absolutely adore my friends, who's been with me through thick and thin, who support me in any of those crazy ideas from "the list", never feel I am uncapable to achieve either one of those, and make me feel like a millionaire - what I am, because there are so many of them, and they are so preciously important.
On the bottom of my emotions is Alex...he has left home...While I thought I was ready, I bent the rules so much around to try and be his friend first and foremost understanding I was a teenager once, who experimented with boundaries and partied hard and lied a lot (with only difference is at 17 and half I finished 1st year of Medical school and worked full time to support myself and getting good grades, but I, too, didn't spend nights at home, drunk and smoked and did whatever else comes along with it and despised my parents), while I honestly told him going away from me and "hitting the bottom" is his only way to find himself, when he finally left - with a small backpack of clothes, documents (hope he doesn't loose his greencard) and a note "I love you" left on my night table...it was the hardest thing I had to accept. I know he is alive (I can check on him through MySpace), and I know he is right now still in a "what the f&^%" mode, but I have hopes...because nobody asked him to leave that note, yet he did...
On the top of my heart is a simple thing all of us long for...I am madly in love. Something I haven't felt in many many years, something crazy, that came as a tornado, swept me off my feet and overwhelmed way more than I thought is possible for me at this point of my life. I wasn't waiting for it, wasn't looking for it, in fact, didn't even want it right now - yet it happened when and how I least expected it...While there are enough things that need to be overcome with it, I am so very happy that I go to bed and wake up with a widest smile on my face...

And that's how life balances itself out:) Enjoy your weekend, because I am off to Hot Springs living every minute fully, good or bad!