Love in San Francisco

OK, may be I am in pain, I am not sure about Saturday's run and my races this year, I made a decision to have a surgery done by the end of the year, and I will have ups and downs inevitable throughout this season, BUT...I LOVE this city! There is nothing in San Francisco I don't like...well, may be the cost of living, but it all well worth it.

Anyway, I have a 10 yo son, Stephen. When he was a year and half, we met another Russian couple in NYC, and they had a little girl Sasha, and then it was LOVE...We stayed close friends for about 5 years, then life took us apart, our families met may be once in 2 years afterwards, but Stephen stayed true to his feelings no matter what. He may have had different friends and played with different girls, but always did he have Sasha's pictures all over his room. And so when this year I proposed to take him with me for a school spring break to SF while I run a race - his heart skipped a bit and he bought a calendar, learned how to cross days and couldn't wait...Oh, yes, one more thing about this young lady - she is a Dancer... a very good one, with many wins in competitions on a national level to her credit. And for the last 2 days we watched her practice...

Man, my son didn't take his eyes of off her dancing! I have to honestly say her and her partner are the best dancing couple in this school for sure, and they have a great future. Their excellence and energy made me want to take dancing lessons!!

Anyway, enjoy the picture - isn't she the most beautiful girl there is? I can say that, I don't have girls:)

I am meeting Jason and Rick tomorrow to go over my crewing details, I spoke to Lisa about my inflamed yet again compartment, I went through breakdown and healing through a fantastic session of Ashtanga yoga. Tomorrow I'll go rock-climbing and visit a Russian-style sauna (if you ever saw movies...that’s the one). My friends are wonderful and it feels we were never apart for the last 4 years; it's so easy to talk and enjoy each other's company. It is so interesting to see Sasha's dad, who at the beginning of our friendship was a first year Med student, mature into a Fellow spinal surgeon, and his lovely wife, the warmest person I ever met. I haven't had a real vacation in a couple of years - all was race-related or Russia trips. I LOVE SAN FRANCISCO!!! I am even looking forward to all the mud promised for Saturday on the course of American river:) may be not to the pain, but hey, it's the price I have to pay!

Mad Mud

NEVER QUIT ON THE UPHILL
by Carl Touchstone

When things are hard and the going gets tough
When the trail is steep and the footing is rough
We can't go on and we just want to quit
The struggle is not worth the pain, not one bit!

Like the mouse in the trap, who's had enough cheese
"No more, no more, let me out of here, please!”
And a voice says, "Stop now and rest a while
For this steep incline goes on at least one more mile”.

But if we push on and ignore the displeasure
The pain of the climb plays out its full measure.
Then the crest of the hill comes into full view
And we reach the top of this problem renewed.

Cruising downhill now with strength in our stride
The wind in our face, with joy and with pride
"Thank you, God, for your grace and good will
To see that we didn't quit on the uphill”.

I absolutely love pacing. It is such a high to help someone to achieve their goal or just have a good time, get all the glory without the pain...besides, I really enjoy to be a slave driver:)

Saturday morning started early - at 4:30 am I was on my way to the start of March Mudness ½marathon/50k/100k. I was working registration, and not even sure if it was the right decision for the RD - I knew way too many people and had to say hi to everyone, give a hug, ask how the year is treating them, what’s the plan next, and respond to the same questions. But all got checked in, received the numbers and the goodie bags as well as a nice fleece jacket, and were disappearing in 4 waves: early start for 100k, regular start for 100k, shuttle for 50k, and finally half-marathoners. I had also had my neighbor (Russian woman) with me as she wanted to make sure I am not the only crazy one existing out there, and she was super excited to see how many people do this kind of things, and how age doesn’t matter. As somebody mentioned in the blog world - ultras you grow into aging. And that’s what I am hoping for.

I had to go back home, take Stephen for a baseball practice, and while he was there, took a nap (yep, no track running this time). By 1 pm I was back at the start, parked the car and got a ride from Allen Boyce (a 50k finisher, thank you, Allen!!) to Saltzman Rd, my waiting point. I ran down 1M from there to the intersection with Wildwood (the race trail) and got involved in an aid station business. What wasn’t much - the only people left on the course by then were 100k runners, and they were sparse (about 14 starters). Since I came a whole hour ahead of predicted time, I saw first 3 guys on their return trip (100k was an out-and-back on Wildwood trail in Forest park with some add-on pieces in the middle and start/finish). Then 2 early starters passed, and the guy number 4. We chatted while filling bottles, spent time with other volunteers reliving our races and discussing aches and pains (the favorite topic) and how bad it is to have rain (again!) today. I didn’t have a jacket...oh, well. Mike Burke was my runner, my good friend, my training and racing partner and the guy who saved my ass from getting lost in the high mountains dead of hypothermia at the Wasatch 100M. He came in exactly at 2:55 pm, as promised. Woo-hoo, lets go! after usual “what’s hurting, how u’re feeling, pace is good, rain is not” (his stomach was acting up, but other than that all was normal, as it can be after 45 miles). We were moving swiftly, keeping 10 min/mile pace and taking short breaks on most steep hills. The mud was pretty bad with all the rain before and the trail conditions weren’t something to desire, the rain was cold (though it finally stopped with about an hour left to go). Things were developing the normal way, I kept the trot steady and runner’s favorite lies going (looking wonderful, doing awesome, this is downhill, lets shuffle this uphill and take a break later...)though have to honestly admit in this case it was mostly truth. Knowing the course as your own hand is a big advantage. Knowing a person who you’re pacing is even better:) I was vividly picturing what was going on in Mike’s head:

Hmm, it’s nice to have a view of a woman's butt in front as opposed to be alone... Is she talking too little or too much? Can’t decide...Stomach is better, but I don’t want the gel! OK, I’ll eat it. No, thank you, no pills...OK, may be one. That guy was 10 min ahead? I am going to pass him...Good, now I need a pit-stop, and he passes back. What’s she saying, run here? Said who? Yeah, as if I don’t know this stretch is flattest...I don’t like flattest! It is a small incline? Not steep? Do you have eyes? It’s a monster hill! You say, I can swear at you? I can’t even breathe, and I have to talk? OK, I am moving...”Keep working it, baby”. Easy for you to say, you’re fresh. Do you have any idea how many miles I ran by now? No, more than that, twice more. Have you ever run that far? I don’t think so. You are horrible! Run this part up because it’s not long enough? Are you kidding? It is like a mile long uphill! Not uphill, but incline? Do you even know the difference?... It’s downhill behind the top of this, and we’re going to pick up pace? Are you nuts?! I hate downhill, my quads hurt, my feet smashed, my knees are old, my stomach is splashing, I want to go home...stop running away from me, for God’s sake, you are my pacer, not a deer in a wild! Yeah, I’ll take your water, may be you’ll get closer...That guys is right behind? So what? He is like 25 years my junior, and I don’t care if he wants to pass me!...Thank you, God, this is a good hill I can finally walk! And a long one! Why do I need to keep moving? Walking doesn’t mean power-hiking, nobody said it is the same, and you said "a walk break"...Yeah, another hill, good, while you’re in a bathroom at the aid station, I can slow down and cath my breath...Well, actually, I feel quite good, may be because there is NO woman in front of me?...Oh, here she is, that was short lived pleasure...Yeah, yeah, I know it’s the last nastiest hill here... It’s a long down now, can I take it easy? We left the guy behind...Who is good on downhill, he is? So what? Run hard here? Sheesh, do you ever have a heart?.. No, I am not talking anymore. No, I am not alive. No, I don’t care we have 3 miles left before a hot meal and a hot shower...I hate you. I ran 60 miles, and I have to run every single step still? Why? Don't you know we made it...You are quet...OK, I guess your legs are still cute when in front of me. That is if I ever have enough strength to raise my eyes off the ground... No, I am not lifting my feet. Why bother? Yes, I am shuffling. Two more people in front? And your point is? I have to be competitive for you? I don’t have to do anything for you! I will pay you back at WS, you just wait...no I won’t even show up at WS! Do you hear how my breathing is? And now I have to find that turn to the final stretch because you don't know where it is? What kind of pacer are you?.. What? Pretend I am at Robbie Point (last AS at WS100 with 1.5M to go)? Blah, blah, last hill, you already said it like 20 times...Entering the track - what track, there is no stinking track in Forest park...Oh, boy, I am so tired, where the f* is the finish!!?? Do I smell burgers? No, I don’t smell nothing! Do I see what? A roof? Last turn? Here? Is this a finish? Do I really need to do these last steps? Oh, my...Thanks, I guess...

Mike placed 4th overall, 1st master runner (for what he got a piece of wood). He finished in 11:05, and the last 17 miles he ran in 3:05, and that included at least 1800 feet of elevation gain. He did a totally amazing job at keeping pace even, not complaining and being strong. I wish I could run like that at the end of a 100k!!! As I said many times, the best job a pacer does is inflicting invisible guilt on a runner. He (pacer) becomes somewhat his (runner’s) mind. Because a tired runner “thinks” he is tired and his body can take no more, he slows down. What pacer is responsible is to make-belief that the runner is still strong and has a lot left. Simply, don’t let him think. Keep him moving mindless. And the results are amazing... Not to take anything away from Mike, who is an accomplished runner (was, is and will be) with hundreds races under his belt and thousands miles, most of which are unsupprted - no crew, no pacers and at times no even aid stations.

I am about to go to the Columbia Gorge for my last run of the week, with Oleg, and by the end of it I will have run close to 110 miles. This would be my highest week in training (as I said before, those weeks that have a 100M race I don’t count even though they come to 115M). I am feeling pretty good, and if time allows, would do it again. It’s nice to know that this mileage is possible to do, whether or not it is necessary is a whole different question...especially a week before a race:)

Enjoy your day! I plan on mine!

A week at a glance

Hmm, seems that I took to heart my blog's name. That was some "run more talk less", let me tell you.

Sunday after race: nada, rest, hurt, tired and cranky.

Monday:
At 1 pm decided to visit crazy trails at work I haven't run since Christmas. Man, it hurt! Besides all the injuries acting up (lower legs not functioning and close to explosure, feet not felt, hamstrings saying "pretty" words to me), lungs closed up (had to make a decision to quit that nasty idea right there and then), I was also tired and completely pooped. This little out-and-back, encounting 6 miles, goes in first 3M up for at least 1000 feet, and that's not counting sharp short drops and climbs. You can argue, on a way back it's all downhill, yet you still meet 2x0.25 steep switchbacks and 3 inclines. Yikes!!! 70 min.
At 5 pm Stephen (my younger) had baseball practice, so I looped around the track. I actually felt better and after a mile decided to throw in some intervals. 400m sounded good. Every time (with 400 rest) I promised myself it would be the last one. 1:46, 1:44, 1:43, 1:42, 1:40, 1:38.
At night lower legs were so painful even at rest, I couldn't even touch them!

Tuesday:
First thing in the morning went for local roads. Pain was bad, so made it easy run, 9.5M in 90 min.
2 pm: trails in the park. Surprisingly, almost no pain (very low level), so decided to do a variation of hill work: pushed on ups, relaxed on downs and flats. 8.5M in 85 min.

Wednesday:
AM: roads again, but felt good and picked up the pace throughout the run, making last third almost an LT run (not quite, about 8:30 pace, my tempo should be 8:00). This is as good as it gets with me with tempo anyway. 10M in 90 min (slow start).
2 pm: treadmill hill workout. 10 times x 5 min on grade 6 at 10:00 pace with 5 min recovery between on grade 1 same pace, total 10M. Only right leg was acting up - lower, above ankle, and belley of the hamstring.
5 pm: another baseball practice, another visit to the track (you don't expect me to sit with empty chit-chatting moms, do you?). Made it recovery run, did 3 miles and called it quits even though felt OK - lets not push luck.

By now I am curious if my body would hold on during this mileage and I am sticking with new adventorous idea.

Thursday:
Woke up and tried my legs on a touch - still there, still alive. Basically a repeat of Tuesday. Went for 9M easy on roads in the morning, keeping HR between 135-145 (definitely recovery pace, thank God to HRM!)
After work (what for me is after 1:30 pm) repeated easy run on trails, same 9M, same recovery effort, though had to hassle last 20 min - was late to take Stephen to Sylvan. Both times felt good, albeit tight in the back of my legs and a bit tired. Seems like the more I run the less of a compartment syndrom (a.k.a. lower leg pressure) I have. How's that? While waiting for Stephen, swang by the gym, did 15 min of core and then set 15 min in sauna and stretched!

I think I am finally getting tired, or at least using common sense. For tomorrow I plan only 2 runs of 5M and 30 min weight lifting, mostly legs.

Saturday - Yay, March Mudness volunteering and pacing day!! Then for Sunday Oleg and I are going for 3-4 hrs of the Gorge run.

I also wanted to mention some thoughts on Alex, but my entry has gotten insanely long, so I'll be short. We had a (standing) Wed phone appointment with his counselor, and Alex was a student of the week and a bunk lider. There were also 2 more letters (one to Dad and one for Stephen who Alex didn't even mentioned in the last 6 weeks - so woo-hoo!) with basicly same idea: it was fun doing drugs, I still miss it and my friends, but I probably should change. We were worned that the progress is usually "one step forward, two steps back", but it still better than nothing.

I am looking forward AR50, whatever it will bring me. Visiting friends (Russian and ultra), taking Stephen around, been away from work and rain...
I hope all those road miles will do me good for AR50. It was a fun week to do, whether or not it was the right time. I have a goal, and a back-up goal, and a fun-having goal. I will do a couple more runs (Mon/Tues), then drive to SF, and might run Thurs (depending on how I feel and my schedule).

Told you I smiled at the finish!

"The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if
there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so
wonderful if there were no valleys to traverse."

– Helen Keller

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Chuckanut weekend.

I wasn’t going to write a report so I don’t sound whiny. But as the day progressed, I realized I will. That no matter what, that’s what I needed. So here I am.

What do you do when you're injured, lost interest in racing and even running, struggling to find a meaning in life, and on top of it get a letter from your son who is in boarding school for trouble teens, describing in great details about his drug addiction? You buy a pack of cigarettes, load a car and drive yourself through the night, crying to the point of endangering yourself and those around and snacking on sushi from supermarket, to the start of a trail 50k. Well, you might have not done that, but that’s what I did. Sushi turned out the worst of it, but even that felt right, in a twisted kind of way.

I got to the start by 7 am, checked in, popped Excedrin and waited. I saw familiar faces, and had an urge to share the pain. Lisa Bliss was first, we never were close friends, but sometimes intuition works wonders. She was utterly understanding, and insightful. Then Walter comes buy, makes a comment on how I look slim and fit (what a woman needs? I am 10 lbs lighter than last year at Chuck...I just wish I was as fast...), and I talk to him. He is supportive, even if it’s showing in repeating numerous times the “f” word, it comes from the heart...

I line up in the middle of the pack, and off we go. I cover my watch with long sleeves and turn on the I-Pod. I am not in a mood to chat at first, even though for some time I run with Tony P, then Glenn is around. I am quite spaced out. The compartment comes and actually goes away pretty soon. My lungs struggle to find a breathing pattern (no surprise here), but I am moving. I stop at the first aid station, 6 miles in, and refill my bottles. I spend there at least a minute - an eternity for me - but want to keep up with fueling. I am in no rush anyway...

Scott Jurek sends us off to a first climb on trails. It is pretty steep, and I hike, still catching breath. People pass me, some not. I am in the middle of the pack, I belong here, definitely today. I listen to music. As we hit first downhill, I am happily realizing I still got my technical downhill skill, and begin to pass on many. It is fun to fly down fast, jumping around roots and rocks and twisted turns. I am so enjoying it! Then we turn onto a dirt road up, up, up. I catch up with Walter and remind him how last year we were together at the very same point. I begin to feel stronger, but don’t push to extent. Little flat section proves to be my worst, as usual, but I shuffle. There is one thing you can be sure about when you wear Montrail shirt - you'll be taken tons of pictures of at every turn and aid station:)Finally toping off, I see Jurek, John Pearch and Jamshid Kajavi. Jamshid is one great person, crazy guy with some Guiness records in him, and very supportive in ultra community. My I-Pod suddenly went dead, but somehow I don’t care today. I am OK with silence. One more compliment - aw, so nice - and we’re off to my favorite trail section on the ridge. It’s a single track, very narrow, very technical, rolling, in a dense woods. I am in love with this section - despite that many complain about it. Without trying hard, I pass at least 10 people. I hang behind one girl, I could have get by her too, but it feels right, even when at times feels like we’re walking. I even stop at a couple of points to inhale views on near-by mountains. I didn’t last year.

As the ridge comes to an end, something’s wrong with my stomach. All I can think about is eyeing the bushes picking the best spot. Stupid sushi, or is it stress-related? At first I get upset for the fact I need to stop, but by second one (and there were at least 7 jumps to the side of the trail, and I can say I know this forest inside out now) I kind of enjoy it. Weird...but those little squatting (pardon my details) are what I need too. The sun is nice, the day is gorgeous. I don’t care how much time I loose. I actually feel pretty strong and pass all who get by me on my breaks.

Long section around a lake, muddy, with slow inclines/flats and some declines. The eefct of Excedrin wore off and my back and hamstring are screaming. This one was the worst, as I pop more pain killers and wait for it to start kicking. I walk awkward, but it’s nice to know today is not the day to be mad about it. One more stop - and we are at the bottom of Chinscraper climb. Many resent it. I am a good climber, I hike up, pushing it, and pass another dozen people. For a bit I go with Diana Robinson, and she is such a joy at running. I am first in our long choo-choo train, and the guy behind thanks me for pulling him up. At least I am useful for something today...

We top with the aid station and get ready for a 4 miles of downhill, mostly on dirt road. I wonder if my guts will hold on to me without splashing, so don’t run too fast, yet again, it’s surprising how many people slow down even on non-technical downhills (albeit quite steep). I pass them, thanking my big and ugly quads - they can take the pounding. Mid-point there are Jamshid, Lisa Bliss and Scott Jurek showing the turn, and I stop to hang with them for a minute. It is warm in the sun, and I wish I didn’t have to leave them, but they send me off. OK, I guess it’s an event. It feels like a good run though. Bottom of the hill - last aid station with a REAL toilet! It’s a treat I couldn’t pass on:) As I get out I make sure to load on a couple of gels - last year I sped by and bonked hard on the last 6 mile. The usual group passed me, yet I catch them again. I am not bonking this year, it’s a good thing. I shuffle on. Did I mention how much I hate (with a capital H) this stretch? It’s a dirt/gravel wide road, flat as can be, long straight forward and annoying as hell. I am not a flat runner. Last pain killers were taken 2 hrs ago, and the pain is back. But I feel OK in my body and continue on. One woman passes me, I hang for a bit, then decide to take a walk break. It hurts more when I walk, so I get back to shuffle. I don’t know what time is it, though my watch beeps on an hour, and I heard it as I left the aid station. I figure it’s been 5 hrs on the run. Interesting, I want to get it over with because of the pain, but I don’t want it to end. I almost want to slow down and drag this race longer. It is nice not to think about turmoil in the family. No, not that. I constantly think about it, but in a calm kind of way. Putting one foot in front of another is more important at this point. So I can think of other troubles without been overwhelmed. I catch with two guys, and they talk about breaking 6 hrs. How funny. Last year I ran it in 5:22. I am peaceful. It’s a horrible 50k time for me, but I am not even sure I want to push. I just want this flat stretch to end:) I hear another beep as I make the final turn. I wonder if the race started on time and actually make an effort. I see the clock...5:59...seconds clicking. Lisa Bliss yells - yay for running under 6:01! I laugh. Wonderful people, ultra runners. They don’t say - sucker, didn’t break 6, they say - great job for making in 6:00:09. I cross the finish line with a wide smile.

A few more visits to the bathroom, a clothes change, a pile of food (oh, the food at the finish of an ultra!!!) - I sit on a grass talking. Lisa again, Jamshid. Tony C, Tony P. People, people everywhere. Dear to my heart faces. My Family. I am happy, even if for a moment, even as I share my struggles. Support. Support and understanding. Smiles. Sharing back their stories. Talking about races. Injuries. Runs. Holding hands. Hugging. Sun is making the day brighter. Or is it sun?

I drive away, to Longview, to see Rob at PacRim 24. I can’t sit comfortable, I am out of pain killers, I have to roll some clothes and stick it under my back and under the connection of hip joints and hamstrings. It helps only little, so I cringe and let out cuss at times. I lit up another cigarette, but don’t really want to smoke anymore - just holding it. I guess it’s a good sign...My eyes are almost closed and I am drained, so I stop at the rest area and sit in a car for a few minutes while talking to Sid, Gail’s husband. I tell him - I had a horrible race. Horrible. But a wonderful run. I am an Ultra runner. I am in love with it. In love with trails, twist, rocks, roots, turns, ups and downs. RDs and volunteers. Sun and rain. Simple motion. People. PEOPLE. It’s OK I am in no state to race. I had rediscovered the joy. I am still going to do that. It feels right, mine, belonging. I am back...

I make it to Rob just as he finishes. He has pain in his shins and bails at 50 miles. Perfect decision. Why struggle? What to prove and to whom? We sit and chat. I really love this guy. He doesn’t say much, but it feels right. I can say anything to him. And I do. And he listens. We remember last year. We both had a great year of racing. Even on those days when it was meant to be a training run - we posted fantastic times. This year is different. I had high hopes for it. The heart is not in it? Why are we so injured? Are we paying back? Or is it simply life, with its peaks and valleys? White stripe, black stripe...we will go on.

Today is a beautiful day, warm and sunny. We have a saying - at night all cats are black. It’s morning. I have a pulled quad (probably due to trying to avoid pain in hamstring), but that’s OK. I’ll take time off, I may not push in races for awhile, I may volunteer more than participate - but I will stay with my family of ultra runners. I have a letter from my son in front of me. But I focus on the last paragraph. “I guess it’s a good thing you sent me here. I did stupid things and need to change. I love you guys and I miss you”. And I cry...

p.s. It was my "marathon and ultra" number 50. I totally forgot.

Mental health vs physical

Or is it?

I cross-trained Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, waiting for aches to subside and for a spark to run to come. By Wed afternoon I wanted a run. Easy one, but a run. On trails. So I went to the park and did 1 hr. I actually kept a decent pace, not fast, but ran it all. It was very therapeutic. But - a but I can’t avoid - I had more things hurting than I was ready to admit. I guess I am injured after all, not simply aching sore. Between pain in my shins, foot drop and screaming hamstrings, I added on lower back pain (probably due to trying to ease up on those aforementioned parts). It doesn’t look too bad, but not too good either.
Today I was going for an early run with Gail. We haven’t run together (read - talk freely) for over 2 weeks, and she is going to Australia for another 2 weeks, and then I am going to AR50...It was raining in the morning, and after picking her up I tried to press her to switch to breakfast instead of splashing on trails. She was firm - she needed a run. She said I can go and wait for her, but what’s the purpose? I needed to talk more than run and eat together combined. So on we went. Actually, the rain turned into a drizzle and then stopped altogether (or we didn’t pay attention, or the tree cover saved us). I vented, she listened. She talked, I listened. That’s the meaning of a true friendship - you can always count on an ear to cry to. I almost didn’t feel pains until we finished. It seemed easy, yet we made 8 miles in 80 min on those trails, what is relatively a OK pace. Most importantly - I felt better. Stronger inside. Appreciated. Like a person...

Anyway, this weekend I am going for a Chuckanut 50k. Not to race, basically not even to run, but to see if I can get excited again by watching others doing it. I mean, I will start it and probably even finish, but I will take it according to my body’s feeling, slow, relaxed and trying to enjoy it. I don’t want to risk more than I already have, yet I want to go the distance, see my friends and figure out if I need time off or I’ll be OK. And I need to get away from home for a bit...

After that I am going to stop by Rob’s PacRim and spare some energy for the guy. What kind of food would you like? Burgers? Pizza? Coffee? Cake? I think I am much more excited about this prospect than my own race. I am also planning to volunteer/pace my friend at Capitol peak 50M in April, and looking forward to this too. I am just not mentally ready for this racing season. I was, but not anymore. I am even more psyched about making plans of my next year’s plan to do different runs, but not right now...Hope it will pass. But this is where I am now. And I made peace with that.

Sharing the wisdom of others...

This is not from me. This is from a very well known and amazing ultra runner Annette Bednosky, but it echoes struggles of so many of us. I decided to share with you all.


Greedy. by Annette Bednosky

I have not run in 4 months. (At least not longer than a few miles at a time). My
hamstring throbs and I long to be in the woods, on the trails, over the rocks and
in the creeks. Yes, I miss the thrill and chase of racing, but more than anything,
the freedom of flying in the mountains.

Greedy. That is the best word I can use to describe myself last fall after
the Mountain Masochist. I'd had a fun and successful year racing and
10/16/05 was supposed to have marked the start of a 2 month rest .
Greedy. But, rest, I did not. There were too many cool local 5k's and trail
runs that I didn't want to miss out on. What could it hurt? I wondered? These are just little 3 milers, 6 milers and 18milers….that will be like
rest , I thought….NOT

Anyway, somewhere in the midst of rest I strained/tore or somehow
injured my hamstring. I've had 4 MRI's and visited different traditional
doc's and witch doctors …try to prove otherwise…but what I am doing
now is the dreaded among all ultra runners. Not running. All all. And trying
to heal so I can fly again

The moral of my story…I am still finding it. I always thought that something like this wouldn't happen to me. Yet, I remember, I am human. And although not running makes me cry daily, I am hazily reminded that I am more than a runner. I
realize running has been what has defined me for the last few years…and without it, I am…still me I pray for healing and that I may contour the mountains and vault across the creeks and hope that when I heal that will not be so greedy.



You know, the worse of all is that majority of us are learning by making our own mistakes, too often repeating mistakes already made. And, unfortunately, hardly anything will change that. But may be, a slight may be, there is a chance this stroy can help someone, at least as this someone is dealing with already happened injury, just to know he/she is not alone. Or may be someone is very close to get one and will recognize it just in time to stop and prevent. May be. You think?

Burnt out

At least I don’t have any other explanations. Oleg dropped me off today at the park, where I ran on trails for 40 min and headed home on roads for 7.5M. The whole time, from the beginning, I felt tired and not excited, getting tighter as the run progressed. I came home, picked up my son and took him to the baseball practice, where while he played I ran around a track for another 10 miles. Yep, me, ‘round-n-round. Thank God for music! I couldn’t believe I am doing it, but figured it’s better than sitting and freezing and avoiding other mom’s talking (you can say I am not very kin of it). I thought of Rob and his “adventures” on local track with Y group. Besides, I needed a 20 miler, and running laps provided to be a good training for pacing - I kept it in 9s range, the way I’d like to run first 27 miles of AR50 on that flat stretch. My hip joints and hamstrings stood for about 6 of those miles before starting to scream at me. For a bit I thought I might be interested in doing 24 hr race on track, but then, as the pain settled in, decided against it. But it wasn’t too bad mentally as I was afraid of - the mind was numb and I was able to hear the words from the songs on my I-Pod - English been a second language, I usually catch only a few and just keep music on as a background. When I finally finished and went to the baseball field to wait last 5 min, I might have scared those moms with my stretching. May be now it’s safe to sit there - I don’t think they’ll ever want to talk to me:)

It seems my running had been dull and stale lately, and it’s either overtraining, too few races with their excitement, training alone all the time, busy mind with family stuff and problems, spring time, anticipation of the future move, worries about Alex and lack of progress there, or most likely all of the above. I even took Friday sick day (mental health would be a proper word) to try and recoup. I decided to do Chuckanut as a training run with no expectations, since I can’t concentrate on it anyway, and may be get myself together by American River 50. Too bad Rucky is cancelled - I really needed a get-away!

Max HR and race changes

Can somebody explain to me, how is it I can make 7:30 1M intervals on a track, 8:00 intervals on trails, keep 7:00 pace in a cross-country 5k, but can't survive 7:30 miles on Treadmill? Hello? Wasn't it claimed that treadmill workouts are easier? I can make it through hill workouts there (something like 6-7 grade at 10:00 for 5-10 min with grade 2 for recovery), but beat me if I can ever run fast (ish) on it. OK, granted, I had a spin class in the morning and ran 6 miles easy, my compartment also been acting and it's a bit energy waisting to lift your leg from the hip and not only your foot while running, but I could NEVER sustain 7:30 pace on treadmill long enough!! So today instead of 3x1M repeats it was: 1M - HR 182, 3 min rest, 0.75M - HR 184, 5 min rest, 0.5M - HR 186 (I thought my max was 182, by the way), I am dead and can't even bring myself to do another 0.25M. So much for speedwork:)

Anyway, some changes in my race schedule. Since Rucky Chucky got cancelled, I asked Lisa if I should try and replace it. Chuckanut is same day and kind of local (north of Seattle), nice run (all but first and last 6M on flat wide dirt path), and Krissy Sybrowsky from Montrail is an RD. So I emailed her (the race was full since January) and got in.
Another addition is Miwok 100k on May 6. I know some people who did double last year (Zane/Miwok) and swore by the training effect for WS100. I entertained this idea - and I l-o-v-e-d that race - but decided against it - too much travel. Just in case, AFTER the race filled up, I emailed and put my name on wait list. Ha - what do you know - it's nice to be personal friends with an RD and be (somewhat by some opinion) a good addition, so I just got an email that I am in with a few more folks. I had enough miles accumulated on my credit card, so at least the ticket is free, as well as Jason graciously allowed me to stink his place in SF again. So there. Sounds like fun. Sick kind of fun, but still...

The sun broke out today. That snow I was talking about yesterday disappeared as quickly as piled up. It was nice looking in the window till like 4 pm, but in real life, the roads were dirty and brown, everything was wet and quite disgusting. I made a morning run while it was still clean enough, but bailed out of afternoon's double. Figured I could use a break and eat some ice-cream! What means I need to be cautious again about my food choices and start thinking. I hate that! And my husband, who eats like a pig (as much of a pig you can be when I cook since I eat the same food), excercises no more than I do, yet is skinny as a stick! Why life is so unfair? And then he'd see me sneaking PBJ and lecture how I want to keep my weight steady. Arrghh!!!

Two long runs this weekend, but he (Oleg) is taking the car for a climbing trip. Have to figure out how to get to trails or make it road-gym-road combo...or may be not. I'll see what I can do.

Rucky Chucky cancelled

What a bummer!!! Besides that i really wanted to run this particular race, was looking forward to a get-away weekend, to see my friends and to have nice weather, the new date (June 10) is not convinient, so the fee is lost, but worst is - my air-fair is non-refundable. I totally understand the RD, there was a land-slide and the Park system had revoked the license for the race, nothing to do with Mather Nature. I am not upset, but kind of bummed out. I will try to get into Chuckunut 50k north of Seattle, but not even sure if I want to. May be I should use it to rest and better run AR50? Chuckunut is cool, but as I said, I am not a fan to repeat races. I am thinking...

It is seriously snowing here, and will be for another couple of days. It looks beautiful! But the roads are treterous. I ahve to figure out where to do my long runs this weekend...

I almost died yesterday on hill repeats (6 of them) and maxed out on my HR. But I made it, what is good. My shins hurt and I had a foot drop (compartment acting), not too bad though, pushed through.

I just hope Zane Grey won't get cancelled!!! Or I'll go visit Angie and Johnny anyway:) Man, these money losses really suck, like I am robbing my family...OK, no complains, I am cool, everybody's healthy, it's a minor setback. Breathe in - breathe out...Go work:)

Wow!!!

It is snow outside! Here, in Portland, OR! And I am going to run in it!!!

Holiday for the girls

To all the ladies out there - today is International Women's day (what most probably didn't know about). So to all the girls - happy Women's day!

I've been quiet as the life's gotten busier and busier, and it seems to silly posting about runs, but they are happening, training is going, pains are here and there and overall it's just not a first priority right now. I feel pretty good about how my workouts progressing and plan to have fun at Rucky Chucky, no matter what it turns out to be. Going for the passion:) I love the WS course and will see all my CA friends out there.

One great news is that Angie offered to crew for me at Zane Grey 50M - yay!!! This is great, it's so nice to see someone so far from home waiting for you, not to mention giving me my own drinks! For AR50 Jason and Rick are coming by, I just need to get through the stupid marathon on paved bike path before endoursing trails:) Woo-hoo for friends! What would I do without them?

The weather sucks again, raining and windy, kind of depressing, but the day is getting longer. Hopefully it's not for much longer...

Gorgeous Gorge

I am really sleep deprived:)
I decided to do my long run at the Columbia river Gorge today, alone. I needed some sorting out to do and just be with myself. I got up, yet again, at 4 in the morning and milled around the house for quite some time. I didn’t really need to wake up at that time, but it just been happening. I always try to do my runs before the family is up, but for the long run it’s not really possible - and I am not Dean Karnases to run 3 to 6 am on local roads. The light doesn’t come till 6:30 and I have anywhere between 30 min to an hour to drive to trails - they are not next to my door steps. I got to trailhead exactly at this time. But I almost dosed off at the steering wheel and decided to close my eyes for a few minutes. When I opened them up - it was 7 am. I physically pushed myself out the door and started up.

Any Gorge run begins with steep hike, something that would have around 800 feet per mile, and will last at least a couple of miles. I power-hiked with short bursts of jogs for an hour, contemplating to shorten the loop. But by 8 am, as I reached the first peak 2400 feet, the sun colored in golden shades everything around, and it was beautiful! There was never a day that Gorge wasn’t breath-taking. I started to feel better, though my legs felt heavy after yesterday’s 15 miles - and 10 morning miles included 5x1200m intervals. The views are simply unbelievable! I took the connecting rarely-traveled path from Devil’s rest to Angel’s rest and ran. At the intersection who do I see but Ronda, Stacey, Steve and two Mikes - local bouquet of ultrarunners! They were set on pretty much the same loop but in opposite direction. We chatted for a couple of minutes as they asked me how are my hip injuries doing, and Mike pointed out that having too much hips is my problem:) Hello, I know that, not like I can do anything about it! We bid adieu and went our ways. I ran down to Bridal trailhead, turned around and went back to 1600 feet. This was the trail I intended to try and run some (2.2M) to simulate Rucky Chucky conditions, that goes down first and then uphill all the last third. I probably managed to run only 30%, but hiked fast enough. From there I took another connecting trail to Wakheena falls (I planed my route with as little repeat as possible), and on it my legs went pretty much dead. But I pushed, knowing I only had left less than 6 miles, and 3 of them were downhill. From the bottom it was a short daunt to Multnomah falls where my car was parked. The whole run took less time then I expected and needed (3:20 vs 4 hrs), but I wasn’t about to turn around and add on. I wanted to come home and spend this gorgeous day with my family. All in all the run had at least 5,000 feet of elevation gain and I believe just under 18 miles (or close to it).

I wasn’t too tight. When I saw Lisa’s schedule for this week, I thought she wants to kill me:) But the week is almost over with one more 2 hrs run tomorrow, and I am OK, surviving. I ahd never been so religious on my rehab, but these days I use The Stick every night on my shins and hamstrings, foam roll on my hip joints and baseball to sit on with my butt. I also saw John on Friday for some Graston torture. I hope it’s paying off.

I don’t know if any of you subscribe to Marathon & Beyond magazine, but it has a few nice articles in latest issue. One was on race tactics, how to plan intelligently, don’t get sucked in to a negative thinking and run the plan. Of course, Dr. Sheehan book. And another is on Patti Dillon, one of my favorite characters in female marathon history. I can relate to many of her stories (none of her incredible times and wins though!). She’s got great advice at the end. I figured I’d include it here.
-when you find something in life that stirs your passion, don’t let it get away.
-when it starts to hurt, run harder (it applies to life - work harder)
-don’t be afraid of the unknown - most times it turns out to be not worth anxiety
-don’t put burden of creating your happiness on someone else
-train with people who are faster
-dream big, but don’t get discouraged if it takes a lot of little steps to reach your dream

With all that - enjoy your weekend!

Giving Thanks.

Yes, Rob, this is a good day. The weather is wonderful, but most importantly - wonderful people. I said it many times before, and I will never tire to repeat - I am blessed with people around me. Something that I cherish more than anything else in this world are my friends, and you, guys, so far yet so close, have become my dear friends who stepped in and offered a word of encouragement. Thank you, Angie, for sharing your amazing story of fight for life. Thank you, Darcy, for sharing the hard times you endured. Thank you, Rob, for telling your story and giving me hope - and yes, that night full of stars is unforgettable. Thanks you, Michelle and Jason, for all the sweet words - we’ve only spent together a few hours, but became a soul mates. Thank you, Bella, for reminding me about all the immigrants that come here and start their lives from scratch. Thanks to Hilda for “runs with me” on the beach under the sun. Thanks to Rev. Craig for always finding right words to express feelings - I wish I could come to hear you talk. Thanks to Gail for everyday’s phone calls and to Coach Lisa for everyday’s emails - they bring me back to life and give me positive vibes. We are here, on this Earth, for a reason, we all straggle at one time or another. Yet we choose to go on, fighting, adapting, finding good things to be happy about. I am happy that I found all of you through my blog. Yes, sometimes we stumble upon someone who hurts, but for every one of those there are ten who are not afraid to be kind, generous, honest, strong, giving.

On a lighter note, returning to the first purpose of this journal, I had a nice run today. I got up at 4 am and it was dark and windy, so I crawled on a couch in my running clothes and dosed off. But as the day went on, the sun came out, and after work I went to my favorite park. I didn’t quite have the spring in my steps, but my aches were at bay, and I went for all the hills I was avoiding in the last couple of weeks. I ran and thought of all of you, guys. How lucky I am to have met you. How lucky I am to have met my husband and give birth to two healthy boys. To have food on a table and a roof over head. To have dreams. And to have a wish to work towards making them come true.

...and then she went for a run.

The day that started grey and gloomy suddenly gave way to sun rays and lightened up the sky. She left her job, caught a bus to the place she parked a car in the morning, and drove the car to a park. The decision came spontaneous. Luckily, she always has a change of running close and a pair of trail shoes.
She carefully started out. She didn’t take her music along, and she could hear the birds chirping and the creek waters flowing. The trails were almost dry, the air moist, and the trees budding. She gave herself permission to walk anytime, and she used it. Yes, there was pain, but it was mild and didn’t bother her. No, she didn’t solve the world problems, but for awhile there was peace in her soul...

A couple of years back I had a side-job as a yoga instructor. Every now and then people would come up to me and ask if I meditate during a class or after. I had to always say the truth - yoga to me (and it could be different to everybody else) was a physical...well, not exercise, but a way of keeping my body aligned and healthy. Running long, on trails, on another hand, is totally meditative. If you ever ask someone who runs long - and the definition of it can be any range - what do they think about, most will respond - nothing. At first thoughts come visit and stay, kind of sit on a couch, and you actively entertain them. Then they stop by for a short moment, like on a not very comfortable chair. Later they just float by, without even saying as much as hello, and sometimes you forget them before realizing there were here. Clearing the mind? Running high? Who knows, nor is it important...

She came home, and there was a letter from her older son, short and dry, but with “I miss you” line in it. And the younger was smiling eagerly awaiting to play the new song he composed. And she thought - what the hell was she talking about? She has her kids. And she has two legs that can go one step after another. And these are enough reasons to live happily.

Dealing with issues.

I am sorry if I gave you all idea of my running as a weird thing. In fact, I am sorry I followed this idea myself. This is not why I started running. This is not why I continued. It’s not even why I strive to better my performance. Running is supposed to be a stress reliever not an extra stress giver. While I was on strict cross-training diet, I was wondering why I dwell on little things when there are bigger problems in my life. Well, may be exactly because of that. I can’t seem to grasp any control of my life. Now Alex…I simply miss him terribly. I guess we are in denial of what was really happening, how much drug use he really did. It’s frightening. It can’t happen to my little baby, who couldn’t stand me crying and who looked at me with his blue eyes and promised he never did anything wrong. He is such a bright kid, with so much potential, and he’s lost time, and whether or not he finds himself is still a big question.
I tried to push my limits with races. I had never been a fast runner, nor will I ever be. I am a solid runner, and most importantly, fun runner. I wasn’t picked for the team because of my “amazing” running accomplishments, but because I am friendly and fun. Am I trying to hide behind improving performance my feelings? These are wrong reasons, and they are momentary.

Well, I'll just keep thinking of Johnny Lyon's expression: I don’t believe life is a journey, I believe it’s an experience. If you are always looking to an end, it will be difficult to see the beauty all around you everyday. I will keep my eyes open. I will try and see the beauty.

p.p.s. the post has been edited due to realizing how crazy it was to throw my personal depressed feelings on people around. It was a moment of weakness. It shall pass, thank you very much for your comments.