Lady in red

Fear...fear of been judged, fear to step outside the comfort zone, fear of commitment and accountability...Does it sound familiar to anybody out there?

Highlights of the weekend in short staements:

NEW GAME vs OLD GAME
Power - Control
Express - Self Withhold
Accountable - Victim
Willing To Learn - Protection
Working/Not Working - Right/Wrong


GIVER - RECEIVER vs TAKER
Joy - Fear
Unconditional - Conditional
Abundance - Scarcity
Accountable - Victim:
Responsible - Fault/Blame
Being - Doing
Stand for Self - Sacrifice
100% Participation - Sitting on Sidelines
Open - Closed
Vulnerable - Shut Down
You AND Me - You OR Me
Leader - Follower
Worthy - Undeserving


WHAT I RESIST, PERSISTS
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
WHAT I FEAR, I CREATE


YOU ARE 100% ACCOUNTABLE
FOR YOUR OUTCOMES AND RESULTS.


Excellence vs Perfection
Greatness - Right / Wrong
Mistakes OK - No Mistakes
Excitement - Fear
Learning - Stagnant
Acceptance - Judgment
Risk Comfort - Zone
Results Are - I Am My Results
Journey - Destination
Conscious - Automatic
Contract - Image


SMART GOALS
THAT WHICH IS NOT ACTED UPON IS NOT LEARNED
Specific Detail with a clear plan
Measurable Must have a means to measure it - not hope
Aligned Aligned with your Purpose and Vision (Intention)
Reach Must be a Reach or Risk for You
Time Frame Must have an end date to be accomplished not open ended

Valuable points, but, honestly, the way they were delivered...are asking for more to say the least. Days were long, 9 am to midnight, with 2 hrs of homework every night (writing assays 6 pages long).

First day I was basically asked to get out. Yes, I know, I am Ms. Resistance and Miss Opposition. I am not one who will blindly follow the rules unless I understand the rules - after all, isn't it what the Program is trying to teach us about our children and what we did incorrectly? So why is that the whole first day was occupied with yelling at adults who are volnurable as is, having a biggest trouble in life of putting their children away? I stayed. I owe that much to my son - to see him getting us through. Although I completely understand his flanking the seminars. I believe it's a way to break us down, army style, to have us absorb the information without challenging it.

Second day they let go a bit, turning the "break down" emotional way, making us cry, remember all the negative stuff happened in life, getting us down on ourselves and bringing up the "grungies" we are holding on to. Although the "games" were quite...hmm, not very intellegent, I played along. After all, I am a Queen of crying. I did give honest feedback to everybody I came across (I always do anyway) and recieved mine without judgment - and nothing new did I hear. I am a closed box who scares people away from a first time they see me, barking my thoughts (accent really helps here, as well as some military upbringing), strong personality. Then I "mellow up" and "feel for others" - what I do, but I do need to know you better. Did you want me to jump into "you are wonderful" before I truly believe you are?
Our "small group" to share with.

Third day was under the sign "step outside your comfort zone". We were split into different groups and asked (ordered) to pretend to be someone who Fasilitator thinks we were not. Like some mucho men were supposed to be either "Pointer Sisters" (big dudes dressed up in skirts, wigs, high heels and make up) or balerinas (Oleg belonged to that group - and was he one great balley dnacer! although it was not a "stretch" for him by many means - and no, he is NOT in this picture). My group were "Ladies in Red". Likely for two reasons: we came out as un-feminine and "know it all", as well as focused on doing vs being. I didn't even know the song and what is the story behind. We were given 3 hrs to shop and get ready for the "party". Actually, this was fun. After initial "why the heck do I have to do that" and with great help of my group of women (thank you, girls, Deb specifically!) we were all made up. Our turn, music started, and a few moments of feeling uncomfartable passed...and we gave it to music...and danced like never before. Silly, I LOVE to dance, and boy, can I dance! I just don't get to do it often...last time I was out was 10 years ago or so. But I didn't forget the way my body listens to music, and it was a blast! Just for that the weekend was worth going to...OK, seriously, not only, but it was a good solid feeling, even if for 10 minutes.


Last day was more feedback, more silly games with a purpose to forget the "old way" and do life the "working way". Also at lunch we had an excercise of getting to a stranger and without explaining what we are doing here tell them our personal lessons for the weekend and ask theirs. Even the Wicked Witch Fasilitator became alive.Although I enjoed our Discovery Fasilitator more - he could speak.

My lessons: I am not 100% committed to the Program. I do not believe in breaking people on sub-consious level, people with brain that is. I, however, recognize what my self-limiting believes are. But I knew it after Discovery. All in all, it was the same, only on a next level. I was hoping for more constuctive ways on what to do when our kids come home. Yes, it is up to us to change ourselves so our kids would come to different environment. But things said like: tell them nobody's waiting for them at home and their room is rented out...eek! All this - if you don't cry, you are not sincere...men were raised this way, but shouldn't follow it...save yourself in fire/life boat before even thinking of saving anybody else...just not for me, sorry. I am accountable for my actions and had been. When things don't work out - I am the only one who drew this particular result by either making a non-working choice or not been 100% committed to see it through.

I've met some wonderful people out there and take it as a best lesson. We also were helped by having a couple of good friends - parents of our son's friend Jake - George and Julie, who we met at the School in August. Oleg and I are also both warmed up to each other and spend time talking and hugging, including Stephen. Our decision on when Alex will be coming home stands though.

Oh, and we also did selling/buying house paperwork in the middle of Friday night with franticly looking for email and fax machine...that was brutal, but went fine...

My apologies to been non-specific, it just wasn't as impressive as the first one, and I don't write well when there is no heart in it. I am who I am, staright to the point, no "pouring water on the wheels". If you know me - you know, I won't go around trying to be soft, but I will do all in my power to help when asked. Kind of like Oleg, I guess...what helped me recognize his love for me - little words, lots of actions. I am going to hold on to him:)

On the last note - a tool: when you think you can't do something because you are scared, tell yourself: "no, no, Pig, it's not fear, it's excitement"!