My space

I needed my space. I needed my space to figure a few things out. I am injured. Almost 2 weeks ago I tore my hamstring (and looks like something else with it). At the same time I realized I have other things to pay attention to besides running.

Why do I blog? After re-discovering my need for approval by other people I had made an effort to stay away from anybody and anything to decide whether or not it brings a difference. Fortunately, it didn’t, though I am positive had it happened before Discover seminar, I’d feel unsettled. My blog started as a respond to Rob's blog, then it was quite interesting to build a community of readers, then it was scary to have this community extend, and on top of it became my training/personal diary. Did I like comments? At first, you bet! I couldn’t wait to see what you say. Do comments define who I am? Nope. Not because I don’t care – I still do. But mostly about people dear to my heart – those comments mean a world. And in those comments I can sense true vs false. So although this blog named as a running blog, it is a way to communicate with my friends. I am still very curious on updates of all my newly-built cyber-space relationships and like to lurk when I have time. But I don’t expect my own page to bring readers. I hope to find real friends here, and hold on to them.

About the hamstring. It hurts, though definitely less. I still haven’t gone to a doctor – don’t see a point to pay for an advice to rest and take Ibuprofen. I took 10 days off running, but kept x-training 3 times a week. Past Tuesday I tried to run on trails for 4 miles, and it was ridiculously fun. I had to develop a skip-hop style with reaching my right leg and closing in my left (ill) leg. It was a “pain in a butt” fun. Thursday went better – I don’t think because the pain was any less, but because I adjusted my gate to a new style. Also because my lungs let me breathe that much easier. That said, I am optimistic enough to give Rob a go on my pacing. Actually, I always knew he’d decide to run CCC100 and I always knew I’d come to keep him company if he does, so it wasn’t unplanned. It just feels so natural to spend time with Rob running (or talking running) or being quiet, unlike often with others. I think he is my long-lost brother. It will be fun. Besides, I get to ride the car with Michelle.

As I told some of you, visit to Alex’s school was emotional and yet “working”. We re-visited our past, outlined what didn’t work for us as a family and what would work in a future and are ready to work on personal change. He misses us, yet honestly admitted he is not ready to go home. No are we ready to embrace him – had he come right now, the things would have gone the old way, and the results would have repeated themselves. It was an absolutely amazing thing to cry together and hold my grown-up baby tight. It was a scary time to let him go again.

It is interesting how Craig pointed out that he is not going crazy from not running. Neither am I. Some time ago I would hit the wall worrying sick about performance falling and un-released endorphins. Now I am content. Life is good. Nothing is an accident but a direct result of my intentions. It was my intention to jump into splits two weeks ago– so I have a consequence of torn muscle. Deep inside, I believe, my body needed a rest from hard training, and most importantly, my brain needed to find a place for my running in my life – just how much of it defines me or is it simply a mean to represent me? So far it has been a great ride of thoughts.

p.s. Honestly, it feels weird to write here today, somewhat impersonal. May be the break put things into perspective. May be it was good to reserve to emails. May be I am in a different stage of life now. But may be it's temporarily.