Anxiety and restlessness

“The scariest moment is always just before you start.”

― Stephen King

I guess this is what taper is all about, I just don't have any memory of it. Feeling sluggish, barely moving on the flat road 4 mile jogs, pain at that chronic injury site you seem to have been taking care of, and extreme anxiety of upcoming event. My god, it will be exactly 8 years to date, since last 100, next weekend when I am supposed to toe the line of a 100 miler. Can I still finish it? I don't have aspirations, neither for time and definitely not for any placing. I don't know a single person besides the girl Annie who's most likely going to win outright. The rest of us just out there, random 30 folks of this inaugural event...Mace Hideout 100. Why does it bother me so much all these years that I have "only" 19 finishers of them 100 milers, so much so, that I sought out just one more. My "training" is making me anxious. Alas, comparing to the last 8 years of on-n-off running or not, doing consistent mountains outings of 25 miles for a full year, at altitude, with "vert", speaks volume to me. However, it is totally nothing, if I look at what I used to do in preparations to all my 100's in the life prior. 

There were no 35/25 weekends, no speed work, no specific hill repeats. I haven't included a 50M race as a final step (or few, usually). I have no idea if I can even get through a 50, yet along a 100! And mostly, I am fearful I don't have what it takes, mentally. That I forgot that part. The part where, when everything sucks - and everything WILL suck - I can fool myself that it'll pass, and promise myself that the finish line is more important than stopping this insane struggle. In fact, in those last 8 years I dealt with my OTS, I had attempted to get that 20th finish twice - at Ozark in the Fall of 2013, and at Mogollon Monster in 2015. Telling myself "I can walk it in" didn't work. I stopped because I didn't see the point of dragging my ass barely under cut offs - or, even if with enough time, it just wasn't inspiring to me. Can I get inspired now? How bad do I truly want it? I simply don't know. And I am kind of afraid to find out I am a loser...

In a meantime, the week after Theresa left, I still went through the motions of "one last double-weekend". I managed 19.2 miles around Pikes Peak (Barr up, backside down) with 5.3k feet climb (not feeling very peppy), followed by a 15.3M adventure to Mt Rosa, with 5k gain and lots of snow navigation on the last 3 miles of the climb part. That second outing felt much better, and more fun - and is the only one worthy posting photos of, though of course I did my 3 Inclines and 3 backpack Up&over. Rosa was a good morning - the only good one for the past 2 weeks.

I returned back home just in time for a serious thunder/lightening/hail and some flooding event. We've been having quite a few of those this May, early and weird, but moisture is much needed in hopes of fire season mitigation.

Other than that, I am doing nothing, suddenly - what makes me feel at a loss. Hanging at the backyard, reading, and (quickly) knitting a baby sweater for our new niece next month, along with running errands I neglected (sorting some backpacking gear and food, cleaning the house, taking few things to donate at the local Mission). My last visit to my favorite PT was on Friday - she's got a great offer in Alamosa. I am going to miss this tiny young gal, very knowledgeable, passionate about her profession and helping people, and with great skill of communication with sincere interest. She's got an amazing career ahead of her, and I am thankful for her help with my damn hamstring and all the things it tagged on as a compensatory mechanism. I hope I can maintain it in semi-ok status as I continue running.

One fun event was a huge party at my boss's house this Thursday. Seems that we all longed for companionship! I love my doc, she's awesome, a great friend, absolutely amazing human, such a happy bubbly personality who everybody loves. She recently moved to a neighborhood, and plus her daughter (who works at the office and a great person in her own right) just graduated from high school. What's not to celebrate?! All the year of missing hugs, connection, conversations, and laughter for an odd reason, it was so wonderful to be normal. And her house is absolutely a dream for a Craftsman style lover.

This Saturday was one last thing I had to do, which just added to the anxiety. I signed up for a trail half-marathon back last year, before I knew the date for this 100, and was stuck with this all-women event. First of all, I don't even like the "all-women" things - too much estrogen, and do we truly need a "safe space"? Not like I ever felt threatened, and I grew up in extremely male-dominated chauvinistic country. Instead of separating us, we should flood the joint events, ha? :) In general, I just do what I want, not what I think someone else may think I should (because, really, nobody thinks about me/you for more than a split second, why waste energy on being self-conscious?). Secondly, I just ran a 50k in the very same park on the very same course. The list goes on: it is a week before the "big race", and I am terrified to trip and do some damage to things already damaged. It is not my distance (what IS my distance nowadays, anyway?). I feel like crap - doesn't help my "competitive" side, I shouldn't go out hard, nor I could. Why, or, why. I guess nothing to do but get it over with. And if I sound whiny, it's because I am. I drove in, as always, an hour ahead of my start, sat in the car, watched the ladies taking photos and generally being all simultaneously nervous and excited. Lined up for my dang Wave 1, and we finally went on. By mile 1 I was passed about 10 times, and then I stopped counting - I just focused on the "miles left". It's a short race, I told myself, before I know it, I'll be in single digits. I had no energy, my hamstring hurt (left Advil at home), and was in generally bad head space. Attitude zero. Which I guess is a good practice for a 100, there will be plenty of that shit there. I just moved, blocked everyone and everything around, and watched my feet on the trail. Came to the main AS at 8.5, took a deep breath "Only 4.5 to go" and kept unexcitedly making my way around second loop. I never felt "it finally clicked" or any of that, I wasn't sore or even hurting that much, I just had no energy to give to any of the shuffle, including downhill. Somehow I managed to pass 6 girls with a mile and half to go or so, but that didn't change the position I bet, since they were from the waves behind. I even walked some more right before getting into the finishing chute - tells you how much I cared. 2:47, just shoot me. Totally discouraging and disappointing. The full mile-longer loop on the same course in this park just 5 weeks ago was done in nearly the same time - and then I went on a second loop. Whatever. The good thing, I wasn't sore, got in my car easily, got out without being crippled. Also, tested freshly ordered Salomon pack I just got the night before - will take it to the 100. Larry didn't come - he had better things to do, like setting posts for the little fence between the back of the house and the garage, so here's one selfie from the "done, thank God".

We were supposed to go check out the Mace 100 course tomorrow (Sunday), mostly for Larry's peace of mind driving around crewing me. But there's lots of thunderstorms in forecast, today after lunch, tomorrow, and Monday, so that may or may not happen. Larry wants to work more on the fence, since next weekend is shot, and I just want to do nothing and wallow in my own pity. Monday is our 2 years anniversary fully moving to COS and becoming true residents. We are so grateful for all that this decision had give us. I will focus on that, and try to do less of all the negativity and anxiety. God, I am so not ready. Please send me some good juju for the weekend of June 5-6.🙏