I am a girl who loves mountains, changing seasons, running, true backpacking, strong coffee, and knitting with high quality yarn.

When something bad happens, you have three choices: let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

The purpose of life is to discover and develop your gift. The meaning of life comes from sharing your gift with others. - David Viscott

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Body remembers.

They say "it's like riding a bike". I wouldn't know, I don't ride a bicycle. But I run. Sometimes more, at time not at all. In the last dozen of days, I did 3 miles with a lot of pain, 4 miles not painless but with less pain that I anticipated, a freakishly unexpected 6 miles on a hilliest route I mapped for future "real training" with crap-loads of foot pain but absolutely floating above the ground and a 4 easy miles in moderate aching.

That 6 miles was a total high for me. It reminded me why I love it so much. And that my body knows how it's done. It allowed me to hope, with time, when I heal, I can come back and run with joy again.

But life is not without sad things. And today it made me cry. I didn't make a Hardrock lottery. I guess I didn't expect to, with an 8% chance (or something like this), but I had this slight glimpse of hope, and it got crashed. Not that there are no other races, or that Hardrock will be gone following years. But this next season this was the only run I really wanted to have done. Because this was my last time I was applying for it. Because I know I have a much better time in me than the one I posted in 2009, and I wanted to learn what that time really is - by myself, alone. But in following years, as the years click away, the atmosphere changes, and spending 2 weeks in a very beautiful place but with a feeling that I don't belong goes against my core values. So, this was my last chance to still catch a tail-end of what I remember when I entered Hardrock in 2007. And now it's gone...

Time to shake that odd feeling, to focus on healing and pick different goals. Time to remind my body how nice it is to go for a run:)

Don't feel sorry for yourself if you have chosen the wrong road--turn around!
Edgar Cayce
When you find yourself overpowered, as it were, by melancholy, the best way is to go out and do something.
John Keble

p.s. let me clarify some view points. I've been to Hardrock for 5 years now, in one capacity or another. It is a lot of time commitment (precious vacation of which I don't have much every year, as well as time away from kids and home) and money spent in 2 weeks. It is also emotionally difficult and unfair to wait for the lottery Gods to ditch me, yet again, before making plans for the year, racing, exploring, or other family vacations. Not to mention there are so many places we want to visit, at some point I just need to step back from going to the same place, no matter how beautiful. I gave myself a word it'll be last time I go to HR camp. That's why I was so sad. But we already began to figure out our season, and it's going to be a blast! Time to move on.


Danni said...

I don't understand why you feel like you can never enter again? Or maybe I misunderstood. I understand your sadness. It will all work out great I promise.

Rooster said...

You may change your mind and Hardrock and San Juan's will be there waiting for your arrival. It's hard because there are so many things I want experience and places I want to go but there is only so much time. Also, for me my body can't run or train at 100's 100% so I can't do all I want. :) I think we are living big :) Continue to heal up.

Orfman said...

My heart aches for you Olga. I know how much you want/wanted this! With that being said, I also know you're one to always conquer defeat and come out on top, so maybe you didn't get Hardrock, but I bet something bigger and/or better will come out of this.

Thomas Bussiere said...

Rooster put it best. Sometimes we need to have the patience of the mountain to run the mountain. I'm still waiting for WS, and also realize someone is telling me in due time when I'm ready for the challenge. Until then, I will continue to get stronger. Keep healing my friend.

ALM said...

So sorry about HR, I guess you are meant to do something else this year. I bet whatever you put in place of HR will be magestic. Often when we focus on something hard and it doesn't pan out, what comes in it's place is a real eye opener! I am glad to hear you are healing up....keep it up!

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