When something bad happens, you have three choices: let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

The heart of the difference is not ability or even talent, but desire

The purpose of life is to discover and develop your gift. The meaning of life comes from sharing your gift with others. - David Viscott

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Out for a gasp of air.

Funny how life is. I was ramping and stomping to get to work and write a miserable post how frustrated I am. Well, I am, but as I opened email, I am reading these awesome words from a nicest girl – and can’t be mad anymore…I am ok after all, and anger is a momentary feeling…

I can’t run. Simple as that. The pain in my hip joint is not getting any easier, in fact, it is getting stronger. The doc that gave me cortisone shot, diagnosed throchanteric bursitis, as well as I did, having had it 3 times before. However, this time the shot did nothing. The rest did nothing. Picking up yoga 3 times a week, stretching and doing suggested exercises – nothing. I go to the gym and bored there out of my mind if it's twice in a row. I signed off ultra list, committed to be “not just a trail ultra runner”. I started knitting again, after a 10 year break period. I read books and cook a bunch of veggies (oh, yeah, my weight is creeping on), I am about to begin school classes next week…At first I was very optimistic. I had this thought – life comes a full circle. Some many years ago I broke my back doing martial arts, couldn’t bend over to put my shoes on, scheduled for a surgery – and discovered Bikram yoga. After being diligent in practice, I cancelled that surgery and started running, 5k, 10k, half-marathons…Since I lost all the speed in the last 2 years or so, I had this bright idea of getting back slowly, using time to build up, doing short speed workouts, and then piling up miles. My plan was perfect. It probably still is. But having run through every injury in a running book without any breaks, now – I am frustrated big time. What good a plan is if I can’t ever run the way I want to? Right now I can't run at all!! Every step, any step, sends me to such pain, I have tears, and I always was pretty high tolerant to pain. I don't even know what kind of injury I have anymore, not to mention how to treat it...

I tried to do a mile on a treadmill on Monday, it hurt from step 1 to the last one. I tried today on the way to work from where I park my car – only on downhills, if I shorten my stride to a shuffle, I can at least withstand the pain, but still grimace with every step. Hmm, I signed up for a 10k this weekend…following that bright idea of mine.

Other than that – really, I can’t complain. Life is great, life is fantastic. Stephen had an awesome weekend climbing with his dad, and he scores goals for his team at soccer games. He loves school, and is very helpful at home. Alex is alive – and what more can I ask for at this point, while checking his MySpace page and learning urban slang about smoking crack and having stupid fun? My relationship with my ex had improved greatly once we don’t own anything together anymore and each of us had moved on for real. I got appointment for an interview for my citizenship in a month. My mom is out of the hospital and doing ok – not great, but ok nevertheless. My dad had eye surgery and now can see better than in the last 10 years. I am working with a financial analyst and getting a hand on what future and money really mean to each other.

And – I am still madly in love…and he is coming to town today!

As for running – it will come. I need to inhale again, gasp some air on the surface, and go back to patience…





21 comments:

Sarah said...

Bummer. : ( Sad to say I know exactly what you are going through, including the part about not really knowing what is going on. I think that's the worst. I only started feeling better once I totally let go the thoughts of running. I still want to and expect to again, but I let go the focus, the striving, the planning. I'm much more at peace. It took me 8 months to get to this point. Hopefully you'll be back out there sooner! Yoga is awesome...it's saving me right now. Let me know if you want to go out for a beer. : )

Danni said...

Oh Olga. I totally understand your frustration. But your hip might be better in just a couple short months, provided you let it get better. Think of what a short amount of time that really is! Sounds like you have other things you can do in the meantime. But, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. It sucks.

BUT, have a good lovey dovey time :-)

steve said...

Hi Olga,

What Danni said! Winter is nearly here, the season is starting to die down.. it's a perfect time to rest and let it get better - and it'll be better before you know it! I don't know your situation specifically, but something tells me that by May, this will be little more than a memory.. The good kind of memory! - the kind where the reflection on it teaches us something about ourselves and makes us just a little better for having the experience. injuries are a fact of life in this sport of ours, and I'm convinced that overcoming them is every bit as much a part of it as the races themselves.

Looking forward to reading about your progress,

-steve

Jessica Deline said...

This is probably as good a time as any to take a break. A someone who sat out most of last year and is still trying to get back in shape I understand your frustration. It's great you are focusing on other things like knitting, family, relationships, etc. Important things! :)

Rick Gaston said...

Sorry to hear about all the problems with the hip, way to keep busy with the other activities though. It's not running but at least you are keeping busy and we are all hoping for a good recovery for you. Like Steve said, Winter is almost here anyway. I'll wait to visit you when that hip is working again:) What I'm not running the gorge alone.

Great that he's coming over! Maybe he can pamper you a bit, or a lot. Vent on your blog anytime.

sea legs girl said...

Olga,
I'm so glad you're back posting! You WILL run again. But in the meantime, find things you love to do and get into them with your whole heart. Rick is right about this being a perfect time to recover from a running injury.

I don't suppose I need to tell you to have fun with your man! I love the picture you posted of the two of you.

Donald said...

Bad news about your hip - sorry to hear it. As usual, you have the right perspective on things. I hope the injury settles down enough for you to run again soon.

Backofpack said...

I have to ask...you're sure it's not a stress fracture? Sure sounds like one. Go out for that beer with Sarah and absorb some of her recent-injury wisdom! Glad to hear things are going well in other aspects of life. Wish it were better for Alex, but glad you can keep tabs on him. Have a fantastic and fun weekend!

robtherunner said...

I think you have been fighting injury ever since I have known you, except for maybe when we first met, or maybe you just didn't mention it since we were newly made friends. I know you will overcome as you always do, but it still sucks just the same. I am glad life is good in other arenas and I was thrilled to see that Lisa will be starting the race.

JeffO said...

I feel like I'm following in your footsteps - and you're the writing on my wall. I've been taking it easy when my body doesn't feel quite as crazy as my zeal.
You're the captain of your body, and I know you'll do what you need to do. We all need to think long-term. You're right - we're not just runners. You are a great mom, a great person, and a great example.
Good luck with the healing.

AnthonyP said...

I'm in a bit of a running funk too. We just have to hang in there until it comes back. Hey - bring the family to visit in NY and we can hit Rockies !

Hope it gets better soon. The rock climbing pics are awesome !

Lori B said...

Hey lady,

Sounds like life is trying to tell you that you should be doing more reading, relaxing and spending time with the loved ones. Injuries are life's way to having us slow down. I too am slowing down (after pacing at the Bear this weekend, I'll miss you and Adrien there!) and letting my achilles finally heal. Take care of yourself, it's the only hips, knees, ankles and feet we have.

Love to you guys!

Julie B said...

Hi Olga,

I'm glad that the other things that matter in life are going well for you. Knitting, cooking, classes, good family time; that's all good too. You'll heal up, your a tough gal!

Thomas said...

Well, I'm very sad to hear about your running live, but very glad to read about your love life.

You sure would not want it the other way round, would you?

CoyoteGirl said...

Ditto what everyone else said. It's almost hibernation time, holiday time, the perfect time to take time off and be with loved ones. Embrace it. You have so much strength and running experience that you'll bounce back very quickly with some rest. I'm so happy to see you blogging again!

Rooster said...

I have no doubt you will be back to the full swing of running soon, your strong and your body will respond. As frustrating as an injury is they do help us turn our heads now and then and on to other interesting things. I am with you...there's just something about running that clicks.

kelly said...

Hey Olga, I am so sorry about your injury. I can totally understand your frustration and unhappiness over it. Take a deep breath and just relax. Have fun with Larry and enjoy your weekend. Injuries take time to heal. Thinking of you...

angie's pink fuzzy said...

(((Hugs))) i hope you are enjoying your time with your loved ones :)

Larry said...

You have an amazing network of supportive friends, Olya! Just look at all these comments. You're in my thoughts and am wishing like crazy that you have a full recovery from your injury. And, btw,...it was an awesome weekend! :)

Rick Gaston said...

Was thinking of you at RdL this past weekend!

Anonymous said...

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