I am a girl who loves mountains, changing seasons, running, true backpacking, strong coffee, and knitting with high quality yarn.

When something bad happens, you have three choices: let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

The purpose of life is to discover and develop your gift. The meaning of life comes from sharing your gift with others. - David Viscott

Friday, August 11, 2006

My space

I needed my space. I needed my space to figure a few things out. I am injured. Almost 2 weeks ago I tore my hamstring (and looks like something else with it). At the same time I realized I have other things to pay attention to besides running.

Why do I blog? After re-discovering my need for approval by other people I had made an effort to stay away from anybody and anything to decide whether or not it brings a difference. Fortunately, it didn’t, though I am positive had it happened before Discover seminar, I’d feel unsettled. My blog started as a respond to Rob's blog, then it was quite interesting to build a community of readers, then it was scary to have this community extend, and on top of it became my training/personal diary. Did I like comments? At first, you bet! I couldn’t wait to see what you say. Do comments define who I am? Nope. Not because I don’t care – I still do. But mostly about people dear to my heart – those comments mean a world. And in those comments I can sense true vs false. So although this blog named as a running blog, it is a way to communicate with my friends. I am still very curious on updates of all my newly-built cyber-space relationships and like to lurk when I have time. But I don’t expect my own page to bring readers. I hope to find real friends here, and hold on to them.

About the hamstring. It hurts, though definitely less. I still haven’t gone to a doctor – don’t see a point to pay for an advice to rest and take Ibuprofen. I took 10 days off running, but kept x-training 3 times a week. Past Tuesday I tried to run on trails for 4 miles, and it was ridiculously fun. I had to develop a skip-hop style with reaching my right leg and closing in my left (ill) leg. It was a “pain in a butt” fun. Thursday went better – I don’t think because the pain was any less, but because I adjusted my gate to a new style. Also because my lungs let me breathe that much easier. That said, I am optimistic enough to give Rob a go on my pacing. Actually, I always knew he’d decide to run CCC100 and I always knew I’d come to keep him company if he does, so it wasn’t unplanned. It just feels so natural to spend time with Rob running (or talking running) or being quiet, unlike often with others. I think he is my long-lost brother. It will be fun. Besides, I get to ride the car with Michelle.

As I told some of you, visit to Alex’s school was emotional and yet “working”. We re-visited our past, outlined what didn’t work for us as a family and what would work in a future and are ready to work on personal change. He misses us, yet honestly admitted he is not ready to go home. No are we ready to embrace him – had he come right now, the things would have gone the old way, and the results would have repeated themselves. It was an absolutely amazing thing to cry together and hold my grown-up baby tight. It was a scary time to let him go again.

It is interesting how Craig pointed out that he is not going crazy from not running. Neither am I. Some time ago I would hit the wall worrying sick about performance falling and un-released endorphins. Now I am content. Life is good. Nothing is an accident but a direct result of my intentions. It was my intention to jump into splits two weeks ago– so I have a consequence of torn muscle. Deep inside, I believe, my body needed a rest from hard training, and most importantly, my brain needed to find a place for my running in my life – just how much of it defines me or is it simply a mean to represent me? So far it has been a great ride of thoughts.

p.s. Honestly, it feels weird to write here today, somewhat impersonal. May be the break put things into perspective. May be it was good to reserve to emails. May be I am in a different stage of life now. But may be it's temporarily.


angie's pink fuzzy said...

((hugs)) I love the part about how nothing is an accident but a direct result of my intentions. That is powerful. It's fun to see you exploring your thoughts, feelings, needs and intentions. Yay!

Anonymous said...

Well your comments don't sound at all impersonal though they may feel that way to you. And it is good to have you back on whatever basis you decide is good for you.

If you had used that skip/hop method of running when you were in Dallas I might have been able to keep up with you ;)

Sarah said...

I'm sorry about your injury, but glad you're feeling good enough to give the pacing a go. It sounds like you've had some good time to think things through and get some perspective.

When I became seriously interested in ultras earlier this year I started poking around the internet and I think your blog was one of the first I found. I've been inspired by your posts and hopefully we can meet up one of these days. After being just a profile for awhile, I finally started my own blog, mainly as a way to connect with other runners, but also as an outlet for my own interest.

Blogs are a weird thing. They are often started as personal spaces, but then the pressure to write for an audience sometimes creeps in. I try to remember that my blog is for me and what I want out of it. At least that's my perspective on it.

Sorry to ramble on. I enjoy reading your perspective, but I think you should just be obligated to yourself and your family and make your blog what you want of it. : )

robtherunner said...

We'll have too much to talk about to be quiet while we are running, or skip hopping along. We may even end up walking a lot, who knows. I am happy you'll be there at whatever capacity arises, and I am happy to read your thoughts here as well whenever you feel comfortable writing them.

matt said...

i like your approach to taking time to think things out for yourself. i am sure that everyone that has come to know you here respects any need you have to have some space to figure things out. like craig said, it is good to have you back in a way that makes most sense for you.

Jessica Deline said...

Olga, you say this post was a bit impersonal but I like your openess about where you are at with re-evaluating what's important. Sorry to hear about your injury - but things happy for a reason and you have such a great attitude about it!

Phil said...

Olga ... sorry to hear about your hamstring injury and hope you get better soon. Your blog is anything but impersonal. You write very well and I always enjoy your posts (even when they are just a family portrait). Keep writing what you feel and don't worry about we think.

Get better soon.

Sarah Elaine said...

I have always enjoyed your openness and honesty in your blog. And it is perfectly OK to need a rest whenever you like!

I am so sorry to hear about the hamstring. You are a strong woman. This will see you through it.

R2B said...

Thats deep Olga.You know what though it seems that you know what you want deep down.

Best Wishes on your path,

Jack said...

I hope your injury heals up quickly. I didn't feel that your blog sounded impersonal, rather you were open and straight forward, which I greatly respect and appreciate. Sounds like it is going to be a very positive time with Rob, have fun.

Ben, aka BadBen said...

As you may know, I pulled my hamstring in the late Spring, and then something snapped in my calf the next week. I took a full 2-1/2 weeks off from activity, and I was much better for it.

We all need time away from running, blogging, and even our spouses, at times. It helps us get back in touch with what's really important to us.

Keep healing!
- Bad Ben

Hilda said...

What you could call a need for approval, has become a place to learn about a real strong incredible woman who also has a great skill comunicating in a great way.

Hope your leg recovers soon.

Julie B said...

I echo what Hilga says. Your blog is about an incredible woman, whether running or not, we come here because you are real and have a great way of communicating. I'm glad you are not going crazy not being able to run. Thanks for the post.

backofpack said...

I can't wait to hang out again in a couple of weeks! It'll be so much fun. I hope your hamstring continues to improve.

As for blogging, I think we all have times we need to back off, then plunge back in. We've got to give each other space when we need it, and enjoy it when we don't. I haven't been at it all that long, but I can see where it could be a waxing and waning type thing for sure!

D said...

I was thinking the same thing as Angie - how powerful that statement was. Sorry about the injury. It sounds like you are turning this into a positive instead of a negative by taking some time to explore yourself, your life, etc.

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