I am a girl who loves mountains, changing seasons, running, true backpacking, strong coffee, and knitting with high quality yarn.

When something bad happens, you have three choices: let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.

The purpose of life is to discover and develop your gift. The meaning of life comes from sharing your gift with others. - David Viscott

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Today and tomorrow...

"It is amazing how much can be accomplished when no one cares who gets the credit"

John Wooden

"It is necessary to try to surpass oneself always; this occupation ought to last as
long as life."

Queen Christina

I was looking at my...no, not diary, never had one, but I did have a little notebook, where I wrote quotes and passages from the books I read since I was 12 - and I realized I haven’t changed at all. Despite what have seemed to be a different outside reality and my perception of myself and the world around me, what really was of value is valued absolutely same nowadays. Sayings about life directions, friendship, love, inner power...I can repeat it all now and not blush. I wasn’t surprised much, but it was a nice reassurance. It also scared me a bit because it showed that often what you are as a teen you become as an adult...what doesn’t give me much hope, but it’s a discussion not meant here.

I’ve also had a moment of truth (in a gazillion’s time) how little self-confidence I have and how I need and depend on other’s approval. I got this nice and sweet email from Jorge Pacheco (those who follow ultra-news, the guy who was only 50 sec off the world 100M trail record past weekend at RR, and who has “the most humble soul and a heart of a lion”), and he complemented my running and predicted a bright future...yeah, right, but, oh, boy, it was a thrill to hear! Like the same one when Nikki Kimball called me by name at Wasatch and said that she knows what races I did and how I felt (Nikki? Hello, I am like normal, and she is not!) Or like when Lisa Smith-Batchen said I can run 6:30 for a 50 miler one day soon...hmm, in my dream? It is such a weird feeling, because, OK, my friends can say it since they are friends and supposed to love me and all that stuff, but just random people? Me? Was it my parents didn’t give me any self-esteem and raised a person unsure in every step even when I seem to be all confident? And that’s all while I always preach how anybody can do anything they have their hopes for. I actually do believe that, and keep pushing my friends to fulfill their dreams. Why do I so often feel like a total looser?

I finally went to a library and read last Running World’s issue with an article on coach Lisa’s depression. First of, as many of you heard, it was published without her approval on final version, and it gave way too much personal information out. She hopes, now that it’s there, it will help some straggling soul to timely recognize the symptoms and look for treatment. Boy, this woman is amazingly strong! I just want to wish her best in her fight and her life.

Random thoughts today jumping. Talked to Alex’s boarding school counselor, he is not coming around yet, but OK physically and mentally, what’s at this stage is important. Of course as parents we hoped for better news, but the life hits with reality and that’s that. Gail is a great friend, really is, so supportive, and been as busy as she is, always checks in and knows what to say. Had a few more people’s calls and got emotional reliving last few weeks. Had a good dream about upcoming WS100...will not happen, but still a good one. Had been very sore yesterday after my full blow weight routine, but pulled off a great workout just as prescribed, with spin class and 5-6% grade 1 hr run (treadmill is still BORING!). Enjoying a sun and a day off today. Oleg has a friend visiting from East Coast and they are going for Mt. Rainier climb for the next 4 days - some crazy route I don’t want to know about. My boss exclaimed today that I’ve made an important discovery, and it even made sense to me, sounds interesting and enough to finish up a paper we’ve been working on.

Man, it’s sunny today!!! Unbelievable, how did we make through last 2 months with rain and so many life changing problems?

Have a great weekend, all. I’ll see ya around.

p.s. I wish I could attach some pictures...


jas said...

I am sorry to hear you have self-doubts because you are such an amazing person (in countless ways!). Just know that you are loved by many and no matter what you accomplish, you are a very giving soul. Running is good in that it helps your confidence (as you get better or longer or reach goals you thought not possible), but remember even more important is to be a kind, giving, caring person....luckily you are a kind soul who runs like the wind....6:30 50 coming up!

backofpack said...

Olga, I think most people are not the person they were as teenagers. Values and ideals may stay the same, but are seasoned by maturity and life experiences.

Teenagers see the world as black and white - eventually they learn to see the gray areas too. When I think of myself as a teen, I realize that in some ways I am still the same person, but I think (I hope) I have more depth, more understanding and a more rounded view of life.

I look at my sons and I see myself at their age - so idealistic, so sure of how the world should be and will be. I don't want to squelch that in my boys, but I try to encourage them to keep researching, keep reading, keep talking and expand their world view. I fully expect them to change.

Don't give up hope! Sheesh! This motherhood thing is so hard!

From the outside looking in, I see oodles of self confidence when I look at you! You are a great person and you have so much to offer to the world.

backofpack said...

One more thing - on pictures. When you are writing your post, look at the little tool bar. See the little image of a picture? Click on that. Then click on the "browse" button. It'll let you look at your computer files and pick out a picture. When you find the one you want, click "open". It'll list it in the blank spot next to the "browse" button. Now, click on "add more" if you want more and repeat the process. When you have picked out all your pictures, decide whether you want them left, right or centered and click on that. Then click on "upload". That should do it!

angie's pink fuzzy said...

Neat post.

Jorge Pacheco? Nikki Kimball? That's so awesome!

Hope Alex feels better soon.

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