Another kind of ultra.

Left bottom CW: best blood award; Joe and I ready to glow-stick; no wusses allowed!; 2 radio guys and Jim-the runner; Liza Howard doing Bulgarian squats while helping out; mash-field; "feeling great for now!".

I think I am getting old:-)...too tired, hard to go on practically 48 hrs non-sleep and on my feet. In fact, working/captaining an AS (or 2 at once in my case) I always found to be much more difficult than running a 100 miler even if it takes 46 hrs (like Hardrock). My feet were killing me when I finally got them up in a propped chair sometime Saturday evening when things started to spread out and Larry was helping me by making grilled cheese sandwiches (something he is famous for at Cactus Rose race and does an excellent job at). I drove to Bandera Friday straight from work, set up an AS at Equestrian built-up by Marc and Joe and team (the AS meets runners at either 5 and 15M into a 25M loop, or at 20 and 20M on other direction), and at 10pm, when I was about to flop on bed, Joe discovered the first 5M section wasn't glow-sticked. So, the two of us went out. My injury on the foot wasn't happy at all, and after a mile and half jogging we were power-walking, what was still awesome, talking away with the sky full of stars and even the milky way, and coyotes howling and yapping loudly. We put out the glow sticks and around midnight got back to the lodge. 3 hrs later the motion began and we worked the start area - I was a designated "why do we need a megaphone when we have Olga?" check-in person. 30 minutes after sending runners off we were at the first 5M AS (yours truly) cheering them off, and then the real work began. I had a great help from everyone who happen to hang around waiting for their runners, and from my radio people, setting up, filling cups and making PBJ's! (the 2 jobs I don't like much at AS). I gotta say, what I put as my logo on top of the tarp at AS is true. If you expect me to fill your bottles - you found a wrong person. Unless it is late into the race and you're struggling (and I have no other responsibilities at the time), or you're racing for a course record (in which case you usually have a crew) - I will not do this. Do it yourself. It's a good practice. I will, however, ask how you feel, figure out what your problem is (stomach? either less salt or more salt, or switch to water from any food. heel blisters? why are you walking downhills? feeling funky? calories. dizzy? water and coke. well, you got the idea...). I will also, as one guys from San Antonio put on their local group running page, "question your manhood or womanhood" if you decide to quit. Quitting at my AS is not an option, unless you have an injury that will jeopardize your health in a harm way. There is nothing you can complain about I haven't gone through in my own ultrarunning life. I will tend to you, yell at you, kick you out, flirt with you, kiss you, wipe your tears, dress your blisters, give you my knee and ITB straps, my warm clothes off my back, give you a hug, listen to your story and tell you plenty of mine...As one woman put after the race "we were warned you are mean, but you are actually a sweetheart". I am both. To paraphrase, you will hate to love me:)

A tremendous thank you to Larry who stayed behind at home for a bit before coming to make sure kids are not miserable for too long (truth is, our kids don't really like being there for more than couple of hours, although they did have a grand time playing football with 2 others for exactly that long, so survived OK before night sleep), he took a shift from 10:30pm and 2:30am cooking hot soups and flipping best grilled-cheese things in the world, what allowed me to get a couple hours of napping in, he brought me a french press to make best coffee in the morning, and then in the morning he took the kids back home. It may not sound lots, but it was the best help possible - I didn't have to worry about kids' duty and was able to be completely submerged into supporting runners. Another huge thanks goes to my 3 radio guys, who not only got any info I needed, they took great interest in what we do and kept me up and entertained. Marc, Joe's right hand for the weekend (in my humble opinion) had never stopped working all the odds and ends he was thrown into, from setting up, taking down, buying and delivering, I can't even name it. Luis, Billy, Glenda, Kuss - the Tejas Trails family comes to the call so grand, it is the best community I had ever witnessed, truly, no bull. Joyce came in the morning with fresh breakfast. My radio guys and a couple of runners' husbands saved my ass when I locked my car key inside the car just before leaving! Thank God they were there! It broke me down, I was so exhausted and felt it was so unfair (so much for helping, AND for recycling and dragging a full car loaded with crap back to Austin!). They exercised their breaking in skills for an hour and were finally able to get me in. Thanks to all the guys (half of whom ran in some capacity the day before in races) for breaking down the tarp and all the metal pols in my two AS's! I hate doing this too:) Thanks to Joe for putting a first-class events and bringing best people in, whether running or helping. Thanks to the runners and their crews for their great spirits and not forgetting to thank all of us who help them reach for their goals.

Steve Moore broke his own CR but by mere minutes (I believe he went out with the relay/50M guys and kind of bonked by last loop, but held strong). He had nobody close in to chase him, what doesn't make racing easy. Rhonda Claridge from CO won the women's race, but hasn't shaken down Liza's CR - I heard rumors she said she raced lots of mountain courses yet this one is the most technical she's ever been on (there is a reason it has a rating of 5/5 in Ultrarunning magazine). Lots of feet, legs and other parts were claimed by sotol and rocks. A rude awakening to anyone who comes to the website and shrugs off "less than 2,000 feet of elevation climb per loop" description. There were many outstanding performances by local runners, not in terms of extremely fast times country-wide, but personal achievements to be proud of. Thomas Orf finished a 100 in sub-23 hrs for 4th male. Chris Russel finally chased the monkey off his back by beating my time at a race - something he tried for years on any course, and here he is, moved by this goal and done it right! David Jacobson had a  fantastic 50, and David Land finished his first 100 - after not being able to do so last year. Brad Quinn did a fast 100 (to his elate) in sub-24, and Josue Stephens finished - finally! - his first, humbled by previous approach of going out too fast. Respect the distance and the course! Melissa Heggen is back from nursing a baby and kicking butty, but mainly her positive attitude shined! So many first-timers chose this course and doing well! I am sure I'll add more bits as they come to me, but in general there seem to have been more folks getting what they come there for than previous years. Rumor is I was happier than I was last year - must have something to do with Larry's help, general settling in, and you, guys, the runners and your crew, being happy, helpful and grateful! Thanks, ya'll, for the great times! Get ready to hate to love me next year!

Double-crossing the Big Ditch.

What do you do after 4 months of a lay off from running due to various injuries and a couple of weeks with few runs topping off at 6M? You have a tooth extraction with some stitching involved, pick up your other half (who had just had a root canal done), get on the plane and fly to make a Rim to Rim to Rim (also known as a double crossing of Grand Canyon) happen. All of 48 miles of it (we don’t take no short routes, Bright Angel both ways!) with some 13,000 feet of elevation gain. Piece of cake! I truly believe our bodies are made to go the distance; all we need to do is to know how to listen to them and take care of them. And I surely know that part to a “T”. We met sunset and walked around, and we didn't even contemplate much on tomorrow's trip too much. It was going to just be...

Grand Canyon is just that. Grand. There is no reason to describe it, post bunch of pictures (all of which in much better quality can be found on internet) or say words that pale. Still, the main point of the trip wasn't to enjoy the beauty - as much as it was a part of it no matter, because you simply can't avoid seeing breathtaking views and be in awe of the Mother Nature - the main point was to double-cross, no bailing allowed, and in a respectful time, so we can put this behind and go on onto the next adventure. 

 

We started our trek at 4:29 am (don't believe the watch, Larry took a few extra minutes to make final adjustments and shoot pictures).  It was supposed to be mid-30's at the top of a rim, but literally in 3 minutes as we dropped down, we stopped and shed the layers off. So much for carrying extra stuff!

We took our what seemed to have been sweet time getting down in the dark, especially since I am pretty clumsy and had a very dim light (yeah, I know, I never learn, I took old headlamp with batteries from last 100 miler?) and was tripping over some rocks at time. Larry simply never likes to run down fast when it is next to a few thousand feet drop. Despite that,we felt extremely fluid and swift, and made it to the Colorado river before official sunrise, in a dusk, even if with lights turned down. We made a point to run a lot, but not exert ourselves, and ran small inclines, hills and sand, spooking the hikers. The Phantom Ranch came in just a touch over 2 hrs...holly cow, it promised to be a fantastic day! I didn't let Larry to chat too much (we passed Tina and Bryon, as well as a few others, there) and we moved towards the North Rim, through the Cottonwood campground. This is where things gotten interesting...I was running. Those 7 miles to CC were boring, slight incline with some rolls, open terrain, no vistas, and just blah. But I was running...and Larry lagging behind. What? Larry is the runner in the family! When I reminded him to eat, he kind of brushed me off, but once I saw his mood change for the worse, I knew what the problem was. However, it is difficult to be a couple and give advice, if you know what I mean. After hiking hard and waiting and hiking hard and waiting, once the real climb began, I kind of was gaping him pretty much by lots. We also saw 300 hikers going down - they were dropped off by bus on North Rim to be picked up on the other side - and the trail was narrow, so it broke a flow of a power hike from time to time, but for the most part everyone was smiling and supportive. 2 miles before the North Rim I just took off and was contemplating on what to do next...

 

I reached the NR at 6:20 into the run, and met up with Steve and Deb Pero, who started their journey from South Kaibab trail. They were waiting up on their own struggling friend (whom I passed). I was afraid Larry would join him in misery, but a mere few minutes later Larry showed up, scolded at me, yet ate a couple of gels, a few beef jurkey slices - and got up for the trip back. He still didn't run and rather walked downhill to let the stomach settle, but he was moving and not giving up.

At the "2M down" water spigot, where I was chatting with Tina and Bryon, Larry caught up with me, and he was running! He was back! And he was smiling to boot! I was thrilled - and I knew we were going to make this thing together, and in a great standing, and with an awesome mood. From now on, we ran, relaxed, easily, but ran, laughed, enjoyed, and really felt like we belonged here.

 

We spent 25 minutes at Phantom Ranch, between standing in line to get food and chatting with other folks (Larry, as an American, loaded on bagel with cream cheese, I, as a true European, ate a sausage) and then moved on, still having running legs, into the last section, across the bridge, up to Indian Garden and all the way to the Bright Angel trailhead. It was awesome! We felt strong! Larry even ran some half a mile to show off, but overall, we passed a few (or more) dozens of people, and felt like we just started. The trail, even though 3 miles longer than South Kaibab, is more mellow in a grade, had shade at the time we were on it for about 80% of the time, and never let us feel like we are about to die. I, of course, made all kinds of predictions and time goals on the way (obviously, somewhere around North Rim the finishing time was in such jeopardy, I was planning to be ashamed and prepared a speech for leaving Larry with words like "I am a respected ultrarunner and have obligations to people" and "I don't want to ever come back because my time sucked too much"). We blew by Indian Garden and hoped to be up by 6 pm. I even thought may be before official sunset at 5:45, but that was stretching (even I knew that - however I never gave up trying). It didn't quite happen, we finished at 6:04, in 13:35 total time, but with stops and a break-down at North Rim climb, it was absolutely best time imaginable. We can certainly check this one off now!

 

Exhilarating doesn't even begin to describe how it felt to do so well. It meant a lot to us. As ultrarunners, adventures, and as a couple.Best time together, allowing us to look forward so many things...

My tooth hurt, so did my foot, and I was taking Ibuprofen every 4 hrs to keep pain at bay (dry sockets pain is pretty excrutiating), although by the last climb the ligaments around my ankle felt over-tasked for compensating and hurt too. It didn't matter whether I go slow or fast, the pain bothered the same level, so I was pushing fast - why not? But today the injury itself is not any worse than it was, even if I am limping due to that ankle. My tooth should be fixed tomorrow, and after all, those are minor details. What's left to remember is the beauty, the grandiose, the fortitude - and the love we share for each other.

 

The sunrise next morning was beautiful and peaceful. Like the beginning of a new era...

PHOTOALBUM for Grand Canyon.

                                                     Walnut Canyon on Sunday.

This and that.

May I suggest it cooled down in Austin suddenly enough to have a chilly morning and put sleeves for the run? Of course I had to roll them down 5 minutes into the run itself, but the start with winds howling was rather exciting at mid-60’s. Tomorrow is promised to be something around 50’s for my dark-o’early and I may have to try and find my long-sleeve shirt. Woo-hoo! That sounds just awesome! Just as my week has been. It is fun to have settled in to a structured routine and have days (mornings) allocated to certain things. I had a couple of good trail runs on the weekend, and had realized that living NOT at the trailhead is actually a blessing – because it gives you incentive to get to various trails as opposed to do same thing day in and day out. Of course, it is very convenient to throw in a trail run at any time, say, while your dinner is cooking in the oven, and it ain’t happening anytime here, but at the same time, the loops we could do from the doorsteps (of either 6, 7, 10 or 15 miles combinations) were getting old too. That said, I drove to the Hill Of Life on Saturday, where Larry has been running his long run since before 5 am (this boy is crammin’ miles into his life, trying to decide whether or not he’d shoot for Ozark 100 in just over 2 weeks’ time), and where Tejas Trail group along with Rouge Runner’s group had their runs set up every Saturday (or it seems to be). And while I am a total solo runner and truly enjoy my introvert outings (I also run better, stronger and faster by myself), I like meeting people and chatting for a brief moments and exchange smiles and go on till the next group pops up. And I truly loved almost forgotten trails too! I felt pretty lost at times (Austin’s Hill Country is famous for making dozens of miles of single track in a few acres of land, twisting and turning and going up and down relentlessly and criss-crossing endlessly…) and since I have pretty much no sense of direction and never try to memorize any landmarks when on the run, I just run, hoping at some point to come across a familiar territory (or a person to ask how to get back). I did run out of water, even with generous refill by Rouge folks, and since I started somewhat late and the sun came up shining hot and bothering…but I ran every step, and that was my main agenda.

I feel like I am re-learning to run again. That “back to the roots” thing? I am putting on the base, and I am where I started with really running, way before days when I knew that power-hiking saves me lots of energy and really even time at the end. I am running every hill, no matter speed or push, just working the moment, pumping my arms, Hill Of Life including, just smiling and thinking of some 10 years ago, when walking was a crime, and structure was a staple in training. My marathon will have a good solid structure, the way it was taught to me in those days of NYC running. I am excited. I am excited about entering shorter races and pushing myself, excited about toeing the starting line, about not having to run an obscene amount of miles for the first time in over 7 years…truly am. I was a slave of “more is better”, and this is the first year I will hardly hit 2,000. I don’t think I was under 3k since 2003, and I am OK with it. I still tally, but the thought of “OMG, I need to squeeze another 2 runs to make week counts” doesn’t cross my mind anymore. Having been injured for so long helped sooth that desire (there is only that much one can do). Thinking “quality over quantity” and having a rather successful year behind on training with hardly getting over 60 mpw during peak of the season is another reason. I can run long. Now I want to figure out again if I can run at least as fast as I did in 2002/2003 – not extremely fast by no means, but certainly faster than I had been running since. And I want to do it the right way.

Speaking of faster and running every step. Had a second attempt of running every step on River place nature trail, that nasty and most beautiful “Staircase” trail with crazy footing over logs of steps, which don’t let you speed up even as you go downhill – and this time succeeded in EVERY step (as opposed to last time’s 20 yards of final steps on the longest last hill), and cut my total time by 4 minutes (and that’s after cutting it 5 minutes about 3 weeks ago from the June time). It was fun, I felt pretty relaxed, and while panting on the climbing part, still strong enough to not give up. Yay me! Since my left foot still doesn’t allow me to push off it on the uphill, I only push with the right (and use left foot flat on), what leads me to a serious right calf overload – which hurts for the next 48 hrs. And that’s ok, I can deal with it. When I run roads though, it’s the heel itself that aches, but unlike AJW, I am done being patient already. Enough is enough, I did the "2M at a time of flats", and while I am certainly not overdoing things, I am back, and I am planning to be optimistic and plowing forward.

I do have a funny story, if I may. Last Tuesday, on that blissful run I described in a previous post, I needed to use a pit-stop as I finished. Not living next to a trailhead makes you go in a nature - not that it ever stopped me. However, for some weird reason, I managed to use some leaves from some bushes instead of rocks...and ever since my bottom had been on fire. Sleep at night is torn in pieces by pain and angst. Go ahead, laugh, now that it's getting better, I can too.

This week's Tuesday run really didn't get much better. I forgot to change batteries in my headlamp, and just as Larry on his Sunday run (he simply forgot the headlamp at all), I had to "feel" my way on this technical trail. Thankfully, it was my "easy run" per schedule, as it took me almost an hour to cover 5 miles. I was smiling the whole way. At least I didn't need to squat...

I have to say, I am getting to like Austin. Of course when people talk PNW and post pictures of the Gorge runs, I get antsy and a little sad. But once the heat of the summer is finally gone, Austin is actually really lovely. There is not much one can add – a few mountains in less than 3 hours’ drive, and a shorter span of 100+ degrees stretch. But it’s green, hilly, has a good public transportation system, nice downtown, young generation with many schools around, a stable economy (an important part these days, especially as one nears the retirement age), fit community that loves running and biking, and an airport for an easy access to destinations.

Speaking of destinations, I bought tickets to Russia for a New Year’s trip. Yep, I am going home again! Only 5 days, and by myself, but this time can’t come soon enough (trust me, 5 days is all I can handle, and by the end of it I’ll be longing for going back “home” here). This will allow me to spend time with my sister, help her renovate her flat, celebrate my parents’ wedding anniversary, their 75^th birthdays I had missed this years (apparently, dad secretly hoped I’d fly in October for his), sit at the table at midnight on December 31^st drinking champagne, and in general, when your folks are in Russia and past 70, every visit counts as last one. So, I am going.

Speaking of my folks and sister, they got really worried about the way I looked in those last pictures, and the only desire in their souls is to feed me. I had to calm them down – that woman is gone, and I am pretty much where I was in June (which is better than May, but not September), putting on almost an inch on my midriff and some less on my rear. While it is frightening after such drastic transformation, this is where I belong, and I work really hard not to freak out or get depressed over it, as well as keeping it under control and not giving up on myself. Besides, the approaching speed training should help me in doing so. Having a husband who keeps saying compliments and is very supportive helps.

Speaking of a husband -we have lovely dates on Sunday night when we go to Z-Tejas and have a drink. I had never been a fan of going out for a drink – or going out, or drinking – but this routine is really precious (kind of like finally wearing a pair of pants that fits well and doesn't cost $10 in Target - I guess it's a sign of maturing?). We have time to reflect on our week, talk about a week ahead, and hold hands as adults, without kids, or house chores, or other problems. I am picking through the menu of drinks slowly, realizing nothing compares to the Mojito in Silverton, as well as that I am getting old – I have to hold that menu as far as my arms’ length allows me to being able to read… One of my tooth crowns broke at the base and it can’t be put back, implant is like 5 grand and isn’t covered by dental insurance, so I am choosing to be toothless (it’s not front enough to look ugly, don’t worry). As I yelled out to Meredith on that Saturday run, I am old, menopausal, toothless and with diminishing eye sight (not skinny anymore either), but I am loving my life, every bit of it! What’s not to love?

We painted living room and the hallways past weekend, only kitchen is left. The house is coming along. Every night I sit there and think how much I love it. Watched a couple of episodes of House Hunters – could not believe what those (young) women demand when they go “house shopping”. Really? Is that important? I am thinking we have enough little things to take care of slowly for as long as we decide to be here, but it is exactly what makes it “ours”. House-warming party coming next month! Hey, I even finished that sweater I was knitting since last Thanksgiving - finally! Not it needs to be cold enough to wear it - but this coming Thanksgiving is a trip to Oklahoma to visit in-laws, and I am sure I will benefit from it there.

In a meantime, this weekend we are off for a mini-vacation to Arizona! Back to Grand Canyon! And my foot better behave, because I am double-crossing whatever it has in store. There will be few friends there, Steve and Deb Pero, Tina Ure, a couple folks from HR100 regulars, the Oregon crew comes to do crossing on Sunday…we’ll hang out, but each group (or couple) goes across on their own, and Larry and I have high hopes to make it around 13 hr mark. Should be fast enough to not be embarrassed, yet slow enough to take pictures and enjoy North Rim.

My first venture into Grand Canyon was in 1996, when Alex was 5 and Stephen was 7 month old baby. I alternated carrying each of them, it was middle of July, and we as a family, while great in backpacking trips, weren’t prepared for hot canyon adventure. We made it about 3.5 miles down the South Rim and came back up, thankfully.

In October of 2008 Larry, I, Bushwhacker Burke, Tina and Jim Skaggs came to celebrate my birthday – but I was only less than 2 month into trying to recover from my femur neck stress fracture, and while we made it down to Phantom Ranch and a little bit over, we also came to a smart decision to stop right there – my leg would not have endured another 8 miles of downhill pressure on it. Photoset.

We have unfinished business to do. And we have this trip long planned – and very well deserved, with the move and all. So, this is where we’ll be. I shall see you on the other side.

I got the rain for my birthday!

I woke up at 5 am with a weird sound. Something I didn't remember anymore, but the brain dug deep and let me know - it's pouring rain outside. What a wonderful sound it is...what a bliss. I made fresh coffee and sat down, listening to the sheets of falling water and looking outside the dark windows with glows of lightening. I contemplated whether or not to drive to the race start - and decided to go. Austin gets treacherous when it rains as the streets are covered in some funky soapy residue, and both driving and running is kind of not really fun. But what the heck, it is supposed to be a run "just because".

They did cancel the race, as I turned into the park where the start was to be. I was laughing. Thank God I wasn't gearing up for this one, many others were greatly disappointed. What a crazy development! What a mess! I met with Eman and we went to a Starbucks, sipping coffee and talking life. What can we do but smile when things get out of our control? So we did. And then I went for my free Bikram class - and they sang "Happy Birthday" song to me, twice, while in Trikanasana. That was silly and cute.

When I came home, and it was quiet. I love quietness lately, being alone. Stephen was still asleep, and Larry and Harrison went to clean up the old apartment to turn in the key. It's official. We are out of that. All week I thought I'd come by and say good bye, or something, and I never had an urge (was busy, too, but really, not even a twinge). And just like that, it was over. The house feels like we've been in it my whole life, comfy, cozy, home...

And so was my birthday, cozy and home. Larry made a gluten-free chocolate crust raspberry-lemon cheesecake from scratch - first time ever, mind you, but knowing him and his attention to details and a perfectionist's following of the recipe, it was awesome - the most delicious and beautiful cheesecake I ever ate. Seriously, no bull.

We also went out to our favorite Z-Tejas for Mojito's and seared tuna, and the boys at the bar took care of the drinks - nice to have a birthday and be a regular:)

And we just were. Being all there.All domestic:)

I am back to training, excited about my new goals and looking forward working hard. My foot hurts me, and by now I ran out of options what to do. So I just run. I drove to a trailhead this morning - the one that I used to walk a third of a mile, and then run for a mile to, but that's ok, only took me 7 minutes flat. Not bad all things considering. I had to wear a headlamp - haven't run with it since OD100 in June, 4 full months ago. Haven't trained on this loop in a dark since spring. It was awesome. The air is nice and relatively cool, wet ground still thankful for the Sunday's rain, navigating the rocks and all the technical stuff at this park was a blast. Made me re-live all my long training runs, looping for what seemed to be forever. I never went out of breath or pushed, but I was feeling free and careless, and bounding over the ledges. It boggles my mind how many people never get to experience it. How difficult it is to get up when your alarm gets off, put clothes on and make it outside the house. And how blissful it is a mere 20 minutes into the run, how elated, how wonderful, fulfilling, soul-clearing, re-charging and exhilarating...

Another year is around the corner. I want to make it count. I hope to make the best out of whatever it brings me.

Feels like my running comes in a spiral after making a full circle, and I am back to the roots, but at a level over. Not only WMGT got dismissed (basically), I let my membership at Hill Country Trail Runners laps and disconnected from PNW ultra list (I am still on the Listserve, but have to actually log in to see what's going on, and do it once a week to keep some connections alive). For the first time in a long time I am un-affiliated and feeling awesome about this aspect. Almost primal. Back to where it all began...solo and with eyes wide open.

Coming of age.

Life has a natural progression in it. It simply flows. It ebbs, of course, and curves, and edges, but just like water, it flows, eventually, around corners and bends, and it flows in one direction – forward, from the very beginning of a tiny spring till it spills into the ocean.

Everything comes to an age. The trees, the creatures, good wine and cheese, and yes, us, people. We age. It is only natural. It is a good thing too, and it is even better when we realize that it is a good thing. We fight, we mend, we adapt, we reject, we grow – older, wiser, more mature, hopefully, happier with ourselves, more accepting, less demanding, yet knowing precisely what we want and not forgoing the biggest principles, not sweating the small stuff, but standing strong for what we believe in. For me, it is keeping the word you gave, and walking your talk. Hypocrisy makes me cringe, and despite getting older, I am not any more accepting of it, I may be just quieter. We all make mistakes. I do. I do my best to admit it, learn from it, and not push it under the rug. And “living” the 10 commandments, whichever religion you are (I am neither). There are simple rules, laws of life, things that make sense. Every action demands a consequence. Why trying to get around? It is so much easier to live honestly. You'll never have to remember where and when to lie…

I went to my yoga class last night. I haven’t had a chance to visit in over two weeks. Life’s been crazy, and some things went into the background. Didn’t even get a chance to realize how much I missed it. Interesting progression it is – I used to think of my Bikram practice as taking care of my health, my body, my spine, while running being my meditation respite. Lately yoga has taken a whole new turn for me. It is still all those things, yet it is so much more. It is my time. 

Practicing stillness. In yoga, it is important to get into an asana and not go back and forth, just stay, may be take small movements further in, but not back off. Get in and be still. Breathe. Focus. Clear your mind.
 

Practicing being. Being in a moment. The asana’s are so designed that if you let your mind wonder, you fall. You have to be where you are. No-where else. Right here. Right now.

Life has been nuts. I held it all together, and the move went practically perfect, without a single glitch. Being highly organized helps. The popcorn ceiling has been fully (and to our acceptance) replaced, the carpet installed in the bedrooms, I took last Wednesday off and painted all the bedrooms in 8 hrs, Larry met with the electrician on Friday and had all the work done up to code (and more) and new locks installed. Boxes packed and ready, and few fragile items already settled in, on Saturday at 10 am the truck was being pulled in to our old garage – and by 1 pm we were finishing eating pizza in our new place. Ultra style. It helps to not have extra crap in the house. Minimalism and frugality with value on need and quality. Air flows like a river in our home, without any hoops to jump or corners to avoid. It is so relaxing to not occupy the space just because it’s there. Like in the mountains – some have trees, some bear creeks, some just are…We had two extra guys and their ladies helping out with the move itself, and my girlfriend took our kids out of the view – and by Sunday late afternoon 90% of the house was unpacked, allocated and felt like home. Yep, that was a piece of cake…There are still a million things to do, little projects to tend to, bigger renovations to dream about. But for now - it is perfect, simply perfect.

By Monday the fact that the main stress is over came out of my every pore. I was sad and wanted to curl up and cry. By Tuesday I was irritable and snapping easily at everyone who challenged it. Between work – and business – and cooking and organizing – and an hour commute each way - and still trying to maintain semi-balance of exercise – and, of course, a few other life’s events that are not up to blogging discussion but fall under category “If it rains, it pours” - I buckled. It didn’t help that not only was I not eating the way I was for the last 3 months – I wasn’t even eating the way I was since winter time, and not avoiding gluten either (bread, pizza, pasta and all). My body rebelled. Now I know. It was insane. Forget definition, I was getting puffy, fat, water-retained and carbo-loaded. I was bloated and very much hurting. Everywhere - in my tummy, in my head, in my chest…in my soul. I was miserable for sure.

My body gave in so much, even alarm clock didn’t go off on Wednesday morning. It was a sign. That was my time to recharge. I could care less who is making dinner and how Stephen wouldn’t know where I am (still no phone in the house, no Internet or TV either, and, oh, Heavens, how wonderful it is to be without destruction of 21^st century and use time and quietness wisely! ). I stopped at a Chinese place and picked up a fortune cookie. It read: “Choosing what you want to do, and when to do it, is an act of creation”. I chose to get into my yoga practice…

As I set before the class, the calmness was slowly coming down to me. The peacefulness.  My body is my temple, as cliché as it sounds, and I need to take care of it. Love it and cherish it. Feed it the right way – from inside and out. Not despise it, not hate it – help it. I vowed. It’s time. I am moving forward. No river flows back.

I stood in front of the mirror, looking without judgment on my belly, hiding all the hard work of previous months, and I took a deep breath. In and out. My mind stills, my brain relaxes, my thoughts slow down. My favorite instructor speaks the monolog, in her wonderfully quiet and powerful voice, and I tune in – and zone out – without even noticing it. First posture – comes easy. Amazing feeling. Getting deeper and holding still. Moving onto next. Nothing buckles under. Strength, balance, endurance, stretching – all coming together. By mid-way I notice that the bloating is lessened and I can see some kind of carving in the abdomen area. I bend and fold – oh, my God, I haven’t fully folded in 6 years…I hold and not celebrate, just being. Every asana allows me to move deeper and stay stronger. Mind blowing how this practice flows. I allow it to move. I don’t judge, I don’t think this is my “new starting point”. I simply accept it as is, right now, right here. I am eternally grateful.

And I think - this is how I want my birthday to be. Grateful and celebrating my body. I will attend that half-marathon for women that my girlfriend signed me up for as a gift – and I’ll run, or jog, or walk, being thankful that I can. And I will take another Bikram class (free class on birthday, yay!) – and accept wherever I will be on that day. And I will eat good food, food that nourishes my body and that leaves me feeling healthy, from head to toes. And I will be calm. I will try. I will make an effort. I promise. I owe my 42-year old body that much…

Sometimes to gain clarity you need to let go of control. Often it is difficult to comprehend, and even harder to do. But those moments when we grow and mature define how much better the next step in life will be, easier if you will, and happier, I hope. Just like coming to yoga practice and let it envelope how it is. Let kids make their mistakes. Let details slip between the fingers. Let law handle the cases. Lets politics play itself out... At home, Larry cooked the dinner, kids were reading books instead of whining about no electronic devices, and I retrieved into my favorite spot, a corner chair by the long windows in the office. At last, I was not fidgeting or anxious, or on the run. I was at peace.

I ran every regular route on the roads in our old neighborhood last week, before we moved. I improved the times on each of those too. May be 4 months break did me good. That and the fact that the temperatures in the morning are almost chilling, hardly reaching 70’s, and during a day only hovering a degree or two over 90. My foot still hurts, but not obnoxiously and the pain kind of subsides about an hour after the run is over. That much is good. That much gives me joy and a reason to sketch out a training plan for next season. Interestingly, I had completely outgrown “fear of missing out”, that rigid tightness which makes me to identify myself with how many races and how well I run. I still want to do it. I am not into doing it “just because”. I have nothing to prove, not to others, nor to myself. My last foray into “I can be anything I want to be” past year was awesome – I trained for roads, trails, ultras and even body show. I had a great year. As I design schedules for people I work with, I am itching to “practice what I preach” and have a nice blend of hard exciting training and running for pleasure. Just the way it should be. It’s time to do it for me, smart, slow-cooking, quietly. It is also time to dream about exploring new trails not related to races, about traveling to new and forgotten places, about fast-packing in the mountains, about stopping and smelling the air, while utilizing the wonderful training that ultrarunning gave us as a gift. It is growing older, wiser and happier, already… 

There is nothing I don’t love about our home. I love the street it is on, the middle of not-through-street, which nobody drives on unless you live here. I ran every nook around already, and it is certainly flat, not Great Hills area, but it’s only a short jaunt over there, a 2-mile passed the parkway, and you can have all the hills you can handle. There is a small local park a quarter of mile away, and it has a dirt path around – 0.6M total. Perfect for intervals, because they don’t have to be on a track as long as you out an effort and improve the times. I already designed the workouts…I love the layout of the house, the kids separated from us, the beautiful kitchen with lots of light coming through the windows over the sink. I love the small bathrooms which would send you to 70’s (and it should). I love that we have this neat small backyard with a lot of potential, completely dead right now, but waiting for us to put our hearts and sweat in it. I love my office – an extra bonus/den room which wasn’t even listed and doesn’t exist in any other home on this street. How did it appear is a mystery. I’ve always dreamt about a little room where I can retrieve to and stay quiet, and do handcrafting, again. I’ve been knitting every night since we moved. I have ideas roaming in my head non-stop. I am becoming pretty domesticated…I love how small and cozy it is, how it has everything you ever need and doesn’t overwhelm with large spaces and power. It is homey, you know, exactly what I pictured home should be. To think that between a wild idea that maybe we can think about a house and actually physically moving into one has only been 2 months (exactly) is crazy. But then again, what is normal with me? Life is supposed to move forward, remember? Hopefully, we will be moving alongside with it…

It's better to be known by six people for something you're proud of than to be known by sixty million for something you're not.
Albert Brooks

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character
is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
John Wooden