Life is spinning, but under control still

As you can imagine, it's been quite crazy. We signed the papers for the house on 19th, as well as reached that day our 2 year wedding anniversary. Nice present, huh? Oh, also my 18 months of clear lungs and 18 years arriving to US, against my will and very temporary. Nothing more permanent than temporary, right?

Since then, it's to the house every evening after work. We hired a company to remove and re-do popcorn ceiling, and it sounded all good, until it wasn't - they rushed, they did a sloppy job (one I could have been happy with had I done it myself, but not if you call yourself professional, and get paid fr it). So, today is their last day to make amends and make sure we accept it, or that 90% check is not reaching the owner (while his workers are paid by him already). Such is life. I am quite disappointed, to say the least.

Anyhow, tonight we start painting the bedrooms. That has to be done by Thursday morning, when the carpet people come. Friday is electrician and all his work to be done. Wednesday is also a fridge delivery. Money is slipping through the fingers like water, but it still feels cozy to do  - it is OUR HOME. After owning 3 houses, this is the first time I am really into it. Either I had finally matured, or I am doing it with the right person:) The amount of little projects and huge undertakings is growing on the list, but we keep telling ourselves we have time, and we shall (and will) take it one step at a time.

I had packed most of random items, clothes and some good glassware, and taken 3 car-trunks full of stuff to donation center. That's why I actually like moving - allows me to really look into what I need, and what is sitting behind forgotten and useless. We don't own much, yet the boxes fill up fast, it freaks me out. Thankfully, we only own enough furniture to sit on, sleep on and eat on, so the 10 feet U-Haul truck should suffice. Because Saturday we are going to move majority of all that in, before continuing on the rest of the stuff, little renovations, cleaning old apartment (key return October 10th) and unpacking/organizing. It's a trying time...

Obviously, both of our trainings took a back seat. Larry completed 90% of his runs last week, and this week it may come to 60% - but I know he is ready to make a great race at Ozark regardless. I did 3 gym visits with weights last week, 4 nights on SM, 2 walk-a-runs to work (6M a pop) and a trail hike of 7M on Saturday. The good news is I am enjoying my outside adventures. The bad news is my foot hurts beginning 1 mile in all the way to the end, and then most of the day (with ice and Vit I provided). The good news is, my pace when I do run is pretty fast yet feels like I am hardly moving, and I am not even breaking sweat (that resistance theory or general strength increase, Maffetone method?). The bad news is, even though it's finally seems that heel edema/post-stress-fracture is on the mend, the PF is back worse (or I feel the pain more now in PF area after the pain in the heel itself is lessened). So, my good friend Doctor Shannon put me on 10-day cycle of steroids. Lets all cross our fingers and toes it helps. I am pretty darn tired and pissed, and had it not being the house, I would blow off.

I plan (and on the way) to have 3 walk-runs to work this week (M-W-F) and 2 gyms with SM including after weights (T-Th). All early in the morning. Saturday and Sunday are designated to the move. I had 3 clients last week and 2 this week. I had to turn down quite a few people, and will do so all October, besides the regular who had been set up at least a months in advance. My apologies for inconveniences, but I have to make choices. A "real" job that pays the bills stays in priority (and has gotten on a up-span as well with workload and meeting next week), along with family, house stuff and such. I am staying aware of eating, but I did add potatoes, brown rice and fruits to my daily diet, and removed the protein shakes. I still do eggs and spinach for breakfast, cottage and tuna as snacks, tofu and lettuce as lunch, so not all is lost - just more of a regular dinner, with all chicken parts included beyond breast, as well as ground beef. I obviously filled up, and because there is no way a person can gain fat in a week, it is a great experiment to realize that on Paleo you loose water by not consuming simple carbs, and that what gives effect of being super-cut. My muscles didn't deteriorate, not did I get fluffy and fat (I don't even consume fat foods), but I looked more rounded and less defined within 3 days, literally, while scale stayed at +2lbs only. This is where I intend to keep it, at best ability. If you care to know:)

Of course, there are kids, throwing a wrench at most wrong times (when the times are right for this?), but all is being dealt with, and we'll make it through.

Until further notice - have a great time wherever you are, whatever you do!

Living Life Fully provides food for thought daily.

It's better to be known by six people for something you're proud of than to be known by sixty million for something you're not.

Albert Brooks

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

John Wooden

The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have.

Carol Clurman

Life is the ability to start over again.

Joan Chittister

 
Whatever you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows.

Michael Landon

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon--instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie

The world is blessed most by people who do things, not by those who merely talk about them.

James Oliver

Words are plentiful, but deeds are precious.
 

Lech Walesa 

Your thoughts should agree with your words, and the words should agree with your actions.  In this world people think one thing, say another thing, and do something else. This is horrible.  This is crookedness.

Sivananda 

From crossroads to normalicy.

Most of the important things in the world have been
achieved by people who have kept on trying
when there seemed to be no hope at all.
Dale Carnegie

I was lost. You know the feeling, you train for something with all the focus you can possibly absorb into yourself, and then you don't make it. You feel like a child lost in the woods (aw, that's actually is a great feeling! When I was not even 3 years old and a military brat, I ran away from home into the woods, and then they had to send out a whole troupe of solders from my dad's division to look for me, and I can't say I was thrilled, I was still enjoying my outing when was found). OK, so bottom line is, you feel lost. What's next? What's now? What's the purpose to go to the gym, to lift weight, to jump on much disliked stairmaster...it's an empty feeling. When it happens after running a goal race (and it happens every single time to a different degree depending how important that race was and how much I pushed for the performance), I call it a "Post-Race Depression", or PRD. When the "race" doesn't even happen yet all the eggs are in the basket...it just feels odd. So, on Tuesday morning, when I met up with Coach Drew to confirm my email stating that I, indeed, am out, and we probably should cut our losses short and get some rest from each other, we just stood there, at the weight rack, not knowing how to proceed, until I offered to go out and have coffee. We had a great chat, he is a very enthusiastic personal trainer with a hell lot of knowledge (and education to come along with), and I wish him best. Too bad he couldn't use me for advertising of his skills.

And so I set off on a 2-day mourning process. No gym, no food police. I needed a reset button.

And there it was. My PRD never lasts more than 2 days, lucky for me. On Thursday my alarm went off, and I spent an hour lifting and 30 min climbing. I was back to the foods I got used to during the last 3 months, and life became simple again. In the evening my son and I went to the gym...good ol' times. As we walked, he noticed a weird vibe, and I realized I haven't told him yet (in my pity) that the show is cancelled for me. He was hugely disappointed - I think he was the one who was upset the most! Who knew? He had to go through his own process of accessing and mourning (and offering me to move it all himself, and that I can just "run quickly and walk on stage and come back", and may be the show will get moved to another date...). But after 45 minutes of working out, as we walked back, he came to resolutions, all on his own. How I got fit. How I look good (I don't know if you realize that was coming from a 15 year old male to his mom). How it will help me once I start training for races. How proud he is of me. And how we developed our relationship and made it so strong based on our commitment to support each other, as we walk to the gym, every night, and do our own thing there. If he wasn't a 15 year old male and my son to boot, I would have squeezed him and cried right there...

So, this morning I went for a test-run. As I made my way on the usual street route, in the usual dark, meeting usual suspects doing their runs, breaking into a jogging stride, trying to be careful as I land on the heel, listening to the pain, the fears, the uncertainties, the silence, and the music (all at the same time)...it felt so normal. Just the way it should be. In a mere 3 mile jog I had contemplated on more life than in the last 3 months. It was a sense of peace. The world is still here. And so am I.

I was lost.  And now I'm found.

When you put your hand to the plow, you can't put it down until you get to the end of the row.
Alice Paul

Funny how life is.

We plan, we strive, we try to make things happen, but Universal faith has it's own destiny. Just as I was getting bored on my way to the final push to Figure show, yet buckling down for it, buying all those diuretics, swimsuits, tan sprays, colon cleansers, and may be even considering the fake eye lashes, some things came ahead with the house, and due to circumstances we are not able to control the weekend of the show now is taken by matters by far more important than parading on the scene while wearing a tiny bikini and flexing muscles. Sad? Took me a full 24 hr span to get used to this turn of events, and a wake up at 2 am this morning not being able to fall back asleep, a long conversation with Larry, and hearty chat with Eman, and a timely email from an OR friend Sarah "What was the ultimate goal, the show or the transformation?" sealed the deal. It is what it is, and it's for the best.

Not the first time I drop my athletic pursuits for family, as we should. I remember in the summer of 2006 I was geared up for White River 50 M championship, when on a short notice I had to attend a "life" seminar for my older son's boarding school program. I did, and during it managed to tear my hamstring. I was being delivered some message, which I didn't take seriously. I did cancel my trip to AC100 due to the injury, but entered a Rio del Lago 100 as a cancellation prize - and suffered drastically. Last year I was registered and had airfares booked for both CC 100 and P2P 100 when our new family faced things with Stephen that required my presence instead of running away (no pan intended). I stayed. Things got resolved - not right away, slowly, but I had never regretted not running those 100's or having money wasted.

Yes, I had gone through exactly 3 months of serious weight training, strict eating plan and exercise routine that wasn't bringing me any joy (being injured didn't help). Yes, I spent a crap load amount (for me) to pay for the program design and supervision. But, it's not wasted. First of all, I had achieved far more than I had ever dreamed of where my body stands, breaking all my barriers of what's possible. And in the end, it wasn't even all that difficult, it just took adherence and dedication. The Figure show as a goal was picked exactly because I operate better with an end goal in mind - and it worked. Secondly, I learned an insane amount of knowledge about what to eat, how to it, what works best for me, again, breaking ideas of what I thought I couldn't survive without. Third, I hope I had inspired many people to believe that it is, indeed, absolutely possible, no matter where you start. In 3 months (and I cheated, I got to be honest here) I had lost exactly 8% body fat. That is about 10 lbs of fat - while my weight as a number only changed by 4 lbs down. I had dropped something like 4 dress sizes (I can't find my favorite model even in size 2, yet alone see beyond that) and completely changed my body composition. I had learned the periodization in weight training far superior than when I took a Personal Training certification course and exam (duh!). I was pushed to do cardio that I don't particularly enjoy while on an injury break which otherwise could have put me out of shape - and into a complete emotional misery. I stepped outside the box. I had overcome the uncomfortable feeling of posting own "flexing" photos as a mean to see progress - and to be accountable. I had shared awesome times, day in and day out, with my son, as we went together to the gym, every evening, he - to lift and then swim, I - to put a second workout. I plan to continue with many of these - both our evening gym goings and my renewed eating ideas. It all had become my second nature, one I hope will keep me healthy and fit for years and decades to come. And if and when the time lightens up (and so will finances) - I will step right back up again, armed with the power of what I had gone through already. And if not - this will be a great experience to remember, one for the "bucket list":)

Per Kim's request (no swim suit posing though) photo comparing and stats:
Body fat from 19.8% to 11.2%, weight from 127lbs to 122lbs, widest part of behind from 93cm to 86cm, leg from 54cm to 51cm.

We have all been placed on this earth to discover our own path, and we will never be happy if we live someone else's idea of life. James Van Praagh

Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be; custom will soon render it easy and agreeable. Pythagoras

Weirdness settles in.

My progress towards this body show is going the way it designed to - the stubborn parts are melting, my clothes are falling off (even the pair of pants I bought just a month and half ago, and my favorite clothes designer Kuhl don't sell in smaller sizes), and all seems to come together. Skipping not-allowed food choices had become a second nature, the appetite adjusted, the brain switched the desires, the double (or triple) workouts are fitting in no matter time and level of business. At the same time, the excitement is wearing off, and the goal seems pretty vague at this point, again. Almost like I had come to a point where I am ready to live, yet I am still supposed to strive for something, and I can't grasp that goal in my mind. 4 weeks out, I should be a little more eager, you think? What was that I was going to do?

But it had become simply a life style, what is not necessary a bad thing, just not thrilling. I am not even liking all that much this extreme way I look right now, I enjoy more of a feminine curve in female body, athletic and fit, yes, muscular, to the point, strong, absolutely, not flabby, hopefully...but still feminine and sexy. Funny how it is, huh? We often strive and think it is outside our reach, and then we get it, and now we want to find a middle ground. I guess I needed to be where I am to figure where I want to be for a lifetime. This is good for the goal I am aiming for. Once it's over, a pound around my behind won't kill me. I am happy I could show to anybody willing to try that nothing is impossible! The fact that I could do it tells me I really have no excuses to not keep myself trim. I just wish I could test that wind-resistance theory now being so narrow:)

But my foot is still not at the point where I can go and float up and down the trails (or roads), which doesn't help with my mind set. The weather has been simply beautiful. If you told me 2 years ago I would call 90F a great day (and 70F is truly a God-sent morning), I’d laugh you out. But we are enjoying the cooling off, although at the same time mourning the losses of homes and parks to fires all around Austin and beyond. Now we just need a good ol' hurricane, and hope that all the dead nature (or at least most of it) will be able to revive. One can hope...and dream of a good single track under the feet, wind in the pony tail, smile all across the face...

The MRI was read, and bottom line is, since it was taken 3 weeks after the injury, there is a thickening of a plantar at the point of attachment to a calcaneus (heel) bone, as well as a thickening and an edema and contusion at the bone itself. Which may or may not indicate at the tear of PF and a stress fracture of the calcaneus, but it does prove that PF still exists, along with that bone edema, and since it is a weight-bearing bone, it takes 3 months at the minimum (up to 6 easily) for this combination to heal. What means I am for sure, absolutely, not running a half-marathon on roads on my birthday (next day after the show) - because even if by miracle I'll be able to jog soft trails by then, I am not risking jarring it on 13 road miles for the sake of fun when I have a Rim to Rim to Rim trip planned a mere 2 weeks later - and face another 3-6 months off. This, so far, has been THE longest time off running for me EVER! Already! Grr! This is when you truly realize how important it is for you, really, far more than training, racing, choice of surface...just the movement for the sake of sanity..

And, of course, there is that house, and this is that nice tickling feeling, so soft, so warm and fuzzy...and my time with Stephen has been so precious...and my yoga classes have been awesome...and life is really wonderful, really!

Accept everything about yourself. I mean everything. You are you, and that is the beginning and the end; no apologies, no regrets. Clark Montanas
To grow is to go beyond what you are today. Stand up as yourself. Do not imitate. Do not pretend to have achieved your goal, and do not try to cut corners. Just try to grow. Svami Prajnanpad

p.s. my heartfelt congratulations to US teams at World 100km championship - men took gold and women got silver as teams. Personal applauds to Meghan A., Amy S. and Pam S.!

Integrity and the death of Wasatch Goats for me?

I have a huge problem. I speak my mind up. I had troubles when I was a young teen due to this and I am having difficulties in my life to this day. However, it's an inherent and hard-raised idealistic trait I own and I have no desire to rid of it. Somebody shut me up...

When Team Montrail fell apart as we knew it (with greatly fast National level runners and somewhat good regional runner's team), I was picked up first by NUUN team, and then the Wasatch Mountains Speed Goat Team was comprised, lead by Scott Mason, a personal friend of Karl Meltzer (thus the name of the team, if you know Karl's nickname). A bunch of former Montrailee's accepted the invitation with pride and happiness - hey, we all loved the concept of the Team! At first, there was no promise for any gear, and we weren't asking for it - we just wanted to run and share our emotions and results. The email list we had was absolutely awesome and offered the best support ever on any team I had seen. Then sponsors stepped in, and slowly but surely we all settled in to something of a real deal - with a pair of La Sportiva shoes free and then others at discount, with a good discount of First Endurance drinks, with a coupon for Backcountry purchases, and some shirts that were provided by various outdoors companies (different from year to year). We got Drymax on board and were happy as clams.

This year the communication began to trickle thing, and while I will not go into any details, bottom line is - there was silence from "the top"...come to think about, there was silence from "the bottom" (or the middle, if you will) as well. Had the Team outlived itself? Is it because the sport is changing? Corporates behind, prize money, invitations, extreme professional level, fast and furious, and at the same time every one and their mother? I don't know...and we can speculate all we want, but it doesn't matter. I don't even want to touch this subject here.

Bottom line is, I am out. Whatever happens to the team in the future is something I am not willing to deal with. I am simply tired of a limbo "are we a team, or are we not". I am truly grateful for the relationships this team, and any other teams I ever participated in had allowed me to develop, and the exposure to various products helping me run with more ease (if it's possible, or at least with more fun). I have my favorite products I believe in and trust into - DryMax socks, La Sportiva shoes, UltrAspire and Nathan packs, UD bottles, Power Gels, Succeed! caps, Lululemon bottoms. I will keep using it, whether half-priced or not:)

And I will keep running. Running is my passion. Mountains are my life. Trails are my love. Nothing changes there, thank God. In a great scheme of things, being called a specific name is insignificant, being associated is not important. I am old enough (or mature enough) to stand my own ground. To hold on to my own integrity. T run for my own purpose. To race my heart out. To explore. To challenge. To keep searching, to keep building my better self - and hopefully never find it. Because I kind of like the state of moving forward:)

Subway poster child and Weather forecast news .

So, we slowly begin to pack. I mean, we don't want to live on boxes for the next 4 weeks, but I love, love, love getting rid of things, going through memories, pairing down, de-cluttering, and donating. It is just me (and my sister) who are complete nuts when it comes to saying "goodbye" to stuff. My parents, as they are the "war children", keep every nook they ever had (especially mom, you can die trying to find anything in her closets). My sister and I used to go through their library (over 1500 books to start with, which neither one of them read) and pull ones from the back, taking them to the bookstore for sale. We did same with some old clothes, taking them to Consignment stores, and to my mom's jewelry - we pressured her to get rid of a full box and buy a pair of good diamond earrings and a diamond ring. She still can't forgive us for succumbing (some almost 30 years later). My sis and I had lived under a few grand ideas:

1. we are not that rich to own cheap stuff

2. we move around way too much to drag all the stuff with us

3. if it doesn't bring you joy and/or not getting used consistently, you don't need it

4. nothing can't be replaced but memories

5. what will you take if you need to go in 1 hour? what leave sthe best legacy of you when you go for good?

I tend not to bring attachments to items in my life. My most prized possession (stuff-wise) is a wooden box full of my belt buckles and a few especially tender medals. When I was at one of those seminars to discover thyself (with my older trouble teen), and the question was asked what will you grab when the house goes on fire, I, without any hesitation, and before even thinking about documents, said "that box". My ex was pissed - he "took" photo albums, as they bring memories of happy times (who, in their right mind, takes pictures of bad times, you know?). I thought, well, in the last 5 years at least all the pictures I have digitized, and my baby stuff can be found in my parents' home, along with first years living in US (we always printed doubles and sent to them back then). Buckles, though, speak to me of the character I cherish, of what I was able to overcome, remind me how string I can be - and how nobody, nobody on this Earth, can take away from me what I had achieved by finishing those races. Buckles, while I rarely look at them, just sitting in the box, remind me to strive, to move forward, to not be afraid, and when I do get scared, to keep putting one foot in front of another, even if life seems to almost come to a stop at times.

But I digress. Although my "I don't care about crap" attitude definitely helped me to make those 11 moves (and that's in US only), 2 of which were across the country. In 2004 we drove from NYC to Portland, OR, putting 10 years of life of family of 4 into a 10 foot UHaul track. In 2009 I drove a Honda Civic (packed to the brinks) with my son and a cat from Portland to Austin. Now, I am not saying it's the only correct way to live. Because while my boys are not clutter-holicks by any stretch of imagination, and our family will never, ever end up on a show "Hoarders"(rather "Skimpy living" by any American standards), I find a lot of resistance, and I have to step back and let them keep what's important to them. And so we go... 

But I can still get rid of my stuff, right? And since I lost all that flab, and surely hope to keep at least most of it away in the future, the (very small) closet got smaller by numbers. And hey, look what I found!

A pair of pants I wore when interviewed for my UT job in Austin, a week of my Cactus Rose 1002 years ago! Now, honestly, I don't recollect how they felt on me, snag or loose, I just know these dress pants don't allow you to wear belt, so they must have set on my hips somehow. I also owned them for a few years - back in 2006 my dad gave me $500 and told me to buy clothes that fit an adult mature woman (and not a bunch of running shorts). I obeyed, these were one of the purchase - I kept it for special occasions, like interviews (I managed to return 90% of the clothing items I bought on that trip simply because the "serious woman" style is not me and I would never wear them anyway). So, the day came, and I had to part with these pants...and I actually felt sad. Not about the pants, God forbid, but about my ass that had disappeared. Even my dear husband complains there is nothing to grab anymore, and I used to be proud to be a "normal size" woman who runs, despite the wind resistance - back in NYC, at Armory track, when I surprised my Van Cortland Track Club teammates by running a 6:20 mile, (not fast by any stretch, but a hell of a surprise for the coach in the club coming from an ultrarunner and sucky marathoner), the result announcer raised his eyebrows and said: "With the width of your hips you can block the wind for drafting others, if you find many folks behind". It is also unbelievable of sorts to realize I lost so much in my waist and hips, come to think about it - on a daily basis we tend not to notice it. And there goes my belief that I was born wide and stocky...what excuse will I be using now?:-)

On another news, the weather is awesome! This morning there was a breeze and practically cold, jacket-like! It'll be 60's in the morning and 90's during a day next week!!! I can't believe it finally happens, Fall is here...I thought this day will never come. This was the longest most miserable weather stretch in my life, by far worse than however many months of greyness and drizzle of OR or snow and cold of Russia. Now I just need to recover quickly and go for a run!

I actually have to report that today was the first day my heel didn't hurt as much. I'll take that - not much is better than no change in over 3 weeks! I had an MRI last Wednesday because I got frustrated enough with the fact the foot pain level hasn't changed despite my obedience of no running and no walking (beyond work-related) and I used the last day to squeeze the procedure before the new insurance year and it's deductibles kick in. Still haven't heard results yet. May be, keep your fingers crossed, I am over the hump.

I've been a really good girl, working out and doing cardio and eating right, and doing my second Stairmaster session no matter time and state I am at by the end of the day. I am, frankly, quite exhausted, but pushing it through. Next week shall be a tad better on double-job front, and the 3 days of sleeping more than 5 hrs a night due to a long weekend should be very helpful to revive me for the next 5 weeks cranking. I ordered my swimsuit and a spray tan, so, I guess, I am not looking back. May be next post I'll announce where it is going to be and invite all the local ultrarunners to come watch - this way I will have to buckle up and represent:)

p.s. speaking of Subway - I actually truly do love their sandwiches, favorite of all is whole wheat toasted with meatballs and swiss cheese and lettuce and tomatoes and those banana peppers...but, alas, I can't eat them as the bread is not gluten-free. I miss this travel-meal big time though...